View Full Version : Texas Chili Cook-Off

11-14-2003, 10:26 PM
These are the notes from an Inexperienced Chili Tester named Frank who moved to Texas from the East Coast (for those of you who live in Texas you know how true this is.).

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other 2 judges (Texas natives) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1 "Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili"
Judge 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2: Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy Cow! What in the world is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 "Arthur's Afterburner Chili"
Judge 1: Smokey with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2: Exciting bbq flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 2 people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 "Fred's Famous Burn-Down-The-Barn Chili"
Judge 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge 2: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm beginning to stagger from all the beer.

Chili #4 "Bubba's Black Magic"
Judge 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 pound woman is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 "Linda's Legal Lip Remover"
Judge 1: Meaty strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, add considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayanne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I "broke wind" and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The constestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ticks me off that the other judges ask me to stop screaming. Those rednecks!

Chili #6 "Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety"
Judge 1: Thin, yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I burned myself when I "broke wind" and I worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier that I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear-end with a snow cone!

Chili #7 "Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili"
Judge 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2: Ho-hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like mess to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Oh well, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4" hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: "Billy Bob's Smokin' Butt Chili"
Judge 1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its' existance.
Judge 2: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili.....

DG - rotflmao

11-16-2003, 08:21 PM
Good one!

Tell 'ol Frank to move over to New Mexico, he'll learn how mild thet Texas chile is. Heck that Texas stuff ain't even chile. Too much beans and hamburger.

Fact is the NM chile growers couldn't sell their stuff out of state till some mild peppers were developed.

11-17-2003, 04:18 PM
My parents were in Albuquerque 2 years ago for a convention. As they were in the hotel restaurant, my dad ordered soup and asked if it was spicy. Waiter said no so he ordered some. With the first spoonful, his face started to sweat and his eyes were watering. At the next table a 70 something lady sat down and ordered the same soup. Mom thought this would be a riot, figuring she would have the same reaction. Well she ate the soup and it didn't faze her. Dad felt like a wimp.
DG - would love to try that chili

11-17-2003, 09:44 PM
Guess you could call it chile soup. I can't handle the hot versions, even the mild will clear you sinus for you. Not at all like the Texas chile.

Believe it will literally blister your skin, so if you try it don't stick your finger in there to stir it. /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

The people that eat the stuff are the types that put Japalpinos in their lunch and eat 'em like apples. Must burn out their tast buds as kids.