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nAz
11-15-2003, 02:28 PM
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Diseaz. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

nAz
11-15-2003, 02:29 PM
hehe good one Naz thats and old one. /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

A largewoman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit,
as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at
the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk
slapped his money down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
"I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the
lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied,
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

nAz
11-15-2003, 02:33 PM
Naz check out this funny one...

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93 year old blonde woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the
first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her
doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, your heart would
be just below your left breast.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

11-15-2003, 02:44 PM
Post deleted by ccb_admin_2

Wally_in_Cincy
11-15-2003, 03:06 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote nAz:</font><hr> hehe good one Naz thats and old one. /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif
<hr /></blockquote>

hee hee. He's talking to himself like Fast Larry does.

Wally_in_Cincy
11-15-2003, 03:07 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Wally_in_Cincy:</font><hr>

hee hee. He's talking to himself like Fast Larry does. <hr /></blockquote>

Hey Wally, why are you so worried about Fast Larry?

Wally_in_Cincy
11-15-2003, 03:08 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Wally_in_Cincy:</font><hr>
Hey Wally, why are you so worried about Fast Larry? <hr /></blockquote>

I'm not worried. Do you really think you're Elvis?

nAz
11-17-2003, 11:58 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Wally_in_Cincy:</font><hr> <blockquote><font class="small">Quote nAz:</font><hr> hehe good one Naz thats and old one. /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif
<hr /></blockquote>

hee hee. He's talking to himself like Fast Larry does. <hr /></blockquote>



Naz check out this one...

Engineer in Hell


An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

11-19-2003, 06:39 AM
Post deleted by ccb_admin_2

11-20-2003, 12:05 AM
http://www.allmichaeljackson.com/%5Cpics%5Ccourtday2_2.jpg

http://www.allmichaeljackson.com/%5Cpics%5Ccourtday2_1.jpg

nAz
11-20-2003, 02:54 AM
Ahhhhhhhhhh those pics are scary!

11-20-2003, 03:08 AM
If you truly wish to be frightened... look no further:

http://www.mjam.com/

Q: Michael Jackson is known everywhere on the planet. Why is this, and why is he so different and unique from other people and performers?

A: The reason Michael Jackson is so well known, honored and appreciated is many-fold. Perhaps, the answer could be in Elizabeth Taylor's expression, "He is larger than life." If something is compared with something else, there has to be a relationship. If Michael Jackson is larger than life, he has to be a part of it and compared to it. Michael's comprehension of the total scope of life, and his relationship to the universal force, far exceed the understanding of the common man. He becomes part of the source, responds to the invisible portion of man's being, his soul. He uses intuition, inspiration and thought, and manifests his talent by breaking through the arbitrary boundaries which man, unquestionably, believes are the barriers to his individual creativity. Perhaps Bob Jones said it best when he mentioned that Michael is a "composite that nature desires every individual to attain". By being one with nature and listening to that invisible voice within his being, Michael is unique in both his presence and talent.

http://www.allmichaeljackson.com/%5Cpics%5Ccourtday3_1.jpg
http://www.allmichaeljackson.com/%5Cpics%5Ccourtday3_5.jpg

nhp
11-21-2003, 12:14 AM
This is one of my favorites:

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

11-21-2003, 01:05 AM
Post deleted by ccb_admin_2

nAz
11-21-2003, 04:13 PM
Ha that was ok...

hey nAz check out this one:

REDNECK VACATION

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

nhp
11-21-2003, 05:56 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote thenewmessiah:</font><hr> Worst joke ever. <hr /></blockquote>

So are you.

11-22-2003, 08:37 PM
Post deleted by ccb_admin_2

nAz
11-24-2003, 08:02 PM
har har great avatar!

12-09-2003, 08:27 PM
Michael Jackson TV documentary may have led to the child molestation charges


More than a year ago, Michael Jackson let a BBC crew into his bizarre world for a TV documentary he no doubt hoped would boost his fading career.

Instead, "Living With Michael Jackson" may have triggered the child molestation case that threatens to destroy Jackson and his multimillion-dollar music empire.

Exactly what happened is a matter of dispute, but interviews with several sources close to Jackson and the accuser's family reveal one consistent thread: The documentary set in motion a series of events that led to the pop star's arrest last month.

The TV special, broadcast worldwide last February to an audience of millions, offered images of Jackson's fairy-tale estate, Neverland, his lonely trips to Las Vegas and his lavish spending habits. It also showed him talking about sleepovers with children at Neverland and holding the hand of a cancer-stricken boy -- the boy who is now Jackson's accuser.

Those close to Jackson's defense team allege that around the time the TV special aired, the mother demanded a fee for her son's appearance. When Jackson refused, they say, the relationship between the family and Jackson soured.

In an alternate version, those close to the mother's side say she did not ask for payment. Instead, they say Jackson began acting strangely just before the special aired, telling the family they were in danger and would have to pack their belongings and leave their home.

According to this account, Jackson barred the family from Neverland, after which the mother hired an attorney -- the same lawyer who had represented a boy in a molestation claim against Jackson 10 years ago........



Rest of the Story (http://www.courttv.com/people/2003/1204/jackson_ap.html)





http://www.courttv.com/graphics/news/m_jackson/mjackson_headgraphic.jpg

The 125 lbs he-man rehabilitated? --- again (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/doc_o_day/doc_o_day.html) /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif




http://www.thesmokinggun.com/graphics/art3/mjrightpic.jpg



The complaint filed by the original 13-year-old, hushed up by $20Mil (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/mjdec1.html)

CarolNYC
12-11-2003, 04:41 AM
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"

"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."

CarolNYC
12-11-2003, 05:01 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You Know Someone Is From Hawaii If...



They measure the water for the rice by the knuckle of their index finger.




.




.

.

They wear two different color slippers together and they don't mind.

.

.

They have a slipper tan.

Their only suit is a bathing suit.

They drive barefoot.

.

They never ever, under any circumstances, wear socks with slippers, or an aloha shirt
.

."

.

They have a sister, cousin, auntie, or mom named "Honey Girl" or.....

Someone in the family named Boy, Tita, Bruddah, Sonny, Bachan, Taitai, Popo, or Vovo.





They say "Da Kine" and the other person says "Da Kine" and they both know what is "Da Kine."

The "Shaka" and the "Stink Eye" are worth a thousand words.



They feel guilty leaving a get-together without helping clean up.

The idea of taking something from a heiau is unthinkable.

They call everyone older than themselves "Aunty" or "Uncle" and they kiss everyone in greeting and farewell.







The only time they honk their horn is once a year during the safety check.

If a child needs a home, they give him one. She/He becomes "Hanai."

They can live and let live with a smile in their heart.



Owns two types of slippers: da "good slippas" and da "buss-up/stay home slippas."

.



They take off their slippahs before going into the house.



When it's done, they say "pau!"



Sorry Naz,
I may be from NY, but family is Hawaiian and I had to throw this one in here cause these are REALLY things we do! ha ha ha-
One exception, maybe in Hawaii they honk once, but I live here and I not only honk once but my arm is usually out the window too!LMAO
Have a nice holiday!PAU!
Carol:)"O Holy Night.....the stars are shining brightly" /ccboard/images/graemlins/wink.gif
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

nAz
12-15-2003, 01:38 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote CarolNYC:</font><hr>
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"

"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."

<hr /></blockquote>


LOL good one /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

nAz
12-15-2003, 01:39 PM
General Schwarzkoff was touring the Iraqi desert when he found a magic lantern. He rubbed the lantern and a Genie appeared.
Genie: "I will grant you one wish!"
Schwarzkoff pulls out a map of the Middle East and says, "I wish for peace throughout this whole region."
Genie: "I do wishes buddy, not miracles. Try something else!"
Schwarzkoff thinks for a moment and says, "I wish for the Red Sox to win the World Series."
Genie: "Lemme see that map..." /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif