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nhp
04-19-2004, 06:31 AM
My relationship of 2 years just ended, it was kind of a mutual thing but it was very hard for both of us. I havent been able to sleep or eat. I don't really feel like doing anything, I don't even want to talk to anyone in person. How have any of you dealt with this before? I don't know if I will ever get over it. Any advice is appreciated

Wally_in_Cincy
04-19-2004, 06:40 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote nhp:</font><hr> ... How have any of you dealt with this before?...<hr /></blockquote>

After my last divorce I began drinking heavily and started smoking again. I don't recommend that.

I don't know what to say. It takes time. My ex-wife and I are friends now but it took a couple of years.

I would not recommend dating anyone for a couple of months.

That's about it. Every situation is different. Playing pool will take your mind off of it /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif.

Sid_Vicious
04-19-2004, 07:24 AM
I know exactly how you feel, I went through this about 3 years ago in what I thought was a totally unbearable amount of absolute misery. I'd always known the medical field picked 165lb as an ideal weight for me but that was never practical...I went below 165 in less than 3 weeks due to my depression, didn't want to eat, drink "anything", you name it, life was no good then. All I can say that helped me was that I had one exceptional friend whom I could totally trust, and who allowed me to droll on when I needed to talk, but friends like that are really rare. It still took a lot of time, I can't say that pool did me any good then, but how'd I know...I was always there playing so it might have. Take care...sid~~~a little hesitant to take the plunge these days

Qtec
04-19-2004, 07:26 AM
Dont worry, what you are feeling is normal but temporary.Everybody has been through what you are experiencing.

As soon as you meet someone else, you will feel different.
Believe me.

Q

Cueless Joey
04-19-2004, 08:05 AM
NHP, only time will get rid of that knot in your stomach.
Go out. Or take that overdue vacation.

Chris Cass
04-19-2004, 09:23 AM
All I can say is,

Time heals all wounds.

You can't lose what you never really had.

You deserve to be happy.

Some never really find love.

If it was meant to be, it will be.

Stay busy and remember, your number one.

Regards,

C.C.~~ /ccboard/images/graemlins/frown.gif

nAz
04-19-2004, 11:07 AM
NHP like CC said "time heals all wounds" but if you want to speed up the process go out and find a few other girls just to mess around with, keep yourself and your mind off the old one. In no time you will feel great about yourself and wonder what the hell you were depressed about in the frist place.

Dude one more thing! do not call her for anything, cut her off for a lonnggg while.If she calls you for something tell her your busy, cuase the less contact you have with her the faster you will feel good again.

t411
04-19-2004, 01:54 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote nhp:</font><hr> My relationship of 2 years just ended, it was kind of a mutual thing but it was very hard for both of us. I havent been able to sleep or eat. I don't really feel like doing anything, I don't even want to talk to anyone in person. How have any of you dealt with this before? I don't know if I will ever get over it. Any advice is appreciated <hr /></blockquote>

"time will heal" I'm sure time feels like it is standing still for you and these words don't mean much right now. I've been there, I know how you feel. Most things happen for a reason and at this time I'm sure that you don't see the reason right now. Try to stay positive, in time you will see what the reason is and good will come of it.

<font color="blue"> </font color>

Tom_In_Cincy
04-19-2004, 02:13 PM
I've taken the time to write everything about the past relationship good and bad. It's not to be read by anyone else by YOU.

Spill your guts out to yourself. Get it all out. Keep writting until you can't think of anything else to put down on paper.

This has helped me in the past. I hope it works for you

sack316
04-19-2004, 02:51 PM
I've recently gone through this too buddy, and man it is still tough. Most here remember my whining on this same board, but as always the great folks on here are giving you good advice and lending a open ears to what you have to say.I agree with the time heals... its taking too much time for my liking personally, but I have slowly been getting back to the old me again. Hang out with friends that will slap you everytime you mention "someone's name". Naz did have great advice there about not calling her.It helped me alot when I cut mine out completely (again, that took time to do also), but it did help. WHen we'd see or talk it would seem to me like we were about to patch things up, then suddenly I was back starting all over again like we'd just broken up. Good luck, listen to the wise friends we're lucky enough to have on this board, and feel free to email me or PM me if you want to sack316@msn.com

Leviathan
04-19-2004, 02:52 PM
nhp: Been there. I'd encourage you to consult a professional counselor if you don't feel better soon. Even a single session with a good counselor can be very helpful. Good luck--AS

SpiderMan
04-19-2004, 03:30 PM
I second what Naz says.

Also, now you are free to stop off at the pool hall anytime without feeling guilty. Your game will go up a notch or two.

SpiderMan

Candyman
04-19-2004, 07:32 PM
Everybody has had a situation like yours occur at least once in their live. It isn't easy to fix and most people handle things differently. I have broken up with a couple of really special girl friends and been divorced twice. I didn't handle any of these situations well at all. These events had a profound impact on my life. They made me not want to trust women. I made life all about me. Alcohol and partying was my life style for many years. I made a lot of mistakes, that I wish I could undo. I am sure many people were hurt because of some of the poor choices I made during those years.
We become who we are by choices we make every day. If you think about it, from the time we get up until we go to sleep, we make choices every few minutes. If I could have "a do over" I would have gotten out the Yellow Pages and found the church section. I would have called the larger churches and found one with a support group ministry for young singles. There are people just like you, with some on the same problems. They meet for fellowship, go out to eat,Yes, they even go to sports bars and have a few drinks at some churches(mine). They go on beach trips, special events, hiking, snow skiing, cook-outs, and movies. It is really pretty cool how these support groups can bond and help each other. Like I said before, people handle things differently and life is all about choices. Everyone here on CCB would love to help you, but you are the only one who can make the right choice. I really wish you the best. Regards, Lock /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

nhp
04-20-2004, 03:46 AM
Thank you all for taking your time to give me good advice. The whole day I have this pain in the pit of my stomach, it drives me crazy. Briefly it goes away and then it comes back. I can't understand how anyone can function when they feel like this, it's debilitating. Hopefully this feeling doesn't last much longer, I can't even sit thru class. I don't know why I am taking it so hard. I've seen my friends fare much better (or so it seemed) after breaking off their relationships. Then again, this is my first long relationship (2 years) as opposed to my 12 other girlfriends throughout my teens and early 20's (I'm 23) who only lasted 2 months max. Thanks again for your help.

cheesemouse
04-20-2004, 05:20 AM
I could be out of line here and offer this advise with the full knowledge that relationships are very complex even for the participants who know more than any outsider ever could but.....given that no ladies have so far stepped in I will offer advice that came to me from the fairer sex...ask yourself, and try to be honest with yourself, this question: Do I have a double standard when it comes to what I think is OK for me to do, as appossed to what I think is exceptable for her to do?....the answer to this question may be helpful in the future....for now you are doomed to just suffer for a time.....

the cheese knows that the doulbe standard is alive and well in each and everyone of us....... /ccboard/images/graemlins/confused.gif

highsea
04-20-2004, 05:45 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote nhp:</font><hr>... it's debilitating. ...Then again, this is my first long relationship (2 years) as opposed to my 12 other girlfriends throughout my teens and early 20's (I'm 23) who only lasted 2 months max. <hr /></blockquote>

Whatever, dude.

-CM~~~crying in his beer

9 Ball Girl
04-20-2004, 07:54 AM
nhp, you're sure as hell stronger than I am, that's for sure. I'm the kind of idiot, and yes I admit it, that takes him back only because this is one guy I truly fell in love with. It's strange 'cause eventhough every now and then we have happy moments, I'm not truly completely happy with him, and without him I'm miserable. Sigh. We've been together for a year and 4 months now and the last 9 months have been mentally and emotionally exhausting. To sum it up, he is of the "old school Hispanic Mexican machismo the woman better be in the house with my dinner ready and not be out playing pool talking to different men and should wear blinders like horses do" kind of guy. We've ended it, a couple of times, and just when I start to get used to not hearing from or seeing him, I get the phone call and I'm a sucker. Everything is peachy in the beginning but then gets back to "normal". I think I'm afraid of being alone and I'm 30! It's not like I have problems meeting men, it's just that I'm not in the mood for anyone else but him. Anyway, enough babble. Good luck.

Gayle in MD
04-22-2004, 04:27 AM
My Dear Friends,

My heart goes out to you both. Ending a relationship, and staying in one that is painful, one is as bad as the other.

Tha most important thing to remember is this, the most important relationship you ever have in life, is the one you have with yourself. Understanding yourself, and learning to love yourself is the key to good relationships.

Fear runs people until they identify and name that fear. Usually, the fear involved in these situations is the fear of being alone. This is really ashame, since the truth is that each of us is really alone anyway, in or out of a relationship.

Each of us has three parts to our personality, the child, the parent and the adult. All threee of these parts must work together to protect us, to guide us and to love us.

I highly recommend that anyone going through a rough time in a relationship, or just finding themselves not really happy about life, read the folowing books...which I call my bibles.

The Phychology Of Self Esteem, Nathaniel Branden
The Phychology Of Romantic Love, Nathaniel Branden
The Art Of Loving, Eric Fromm
The Art Of Selfishness, David Seabury
The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck
People Of The Lie, M. Scott Peck
Erroneous Zones, (Can't think of the authors name right now)
Looking Out For Number One, Robert J. Ringer

And for you Wendy, two extra ones,
Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives, Dr. Laura Shelessinger, and
Get Rid Of Him, (Can't think of the authors name)

Try to remember that emotional pain is an opportunity for personal growth, but if you don't use it to understand yourself, you just keep repeating your mistakes over and over with other new people.

Our patterns in our relationshipe can tell us a lot about ourselves, and often, we are unwittingly repeating relationships from our past that are still incomplete and unresolved, still trying to win.

"The unexamined life is not worth living"

The two most important words in life....
Know Thyself

I will be thinking of you both,
Love,
Gayle in Md. ps...Wendy, please don't ever call yourself an idiot, you're not. You, my dear, are smart as a whip, and anyone on this board can tell that.

highsea
04-22-2004, 04:37 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Gayle in MD:</font><hr>Erroneous Zones, (Can't think of the authors name right now) <font color="red"> Wayne W. Dyer </font color>

And for you Wendy,...
Get Rid Of Him, (Can't think of the authors name) <font color="red"> Joyce L. Vedral </font color>

Gayle in Md. ps...Wendy, please don't ever call yourself an idiot, you're not. You, my dear, are smart as a whip, and anyone on this board can tell that. <hr /></blockquote>

Tap, tap, tap.

-CM

nhp
04-22-2004, 06:15 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote highsea:</font><hr> <blockquote><font class="small">Quote nhp:</font><hr>... it's debilitating. ...Then again, this is my first long relationship (2 years) as opposed to my 12 other girlfriends throughout my teens and early 20's (I'm 23) who only lasted 2 months max. <hr /></blockquote>

Whatever, dude.

-CM~~~crying in his beer <hr /></blockquote>

??? What are you talking about?

SpiderMan
04-22-2004, 07:03 AM
And if you want to really understand the "why" behind all this stuff, get a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs". It's a little dated now, but still true.

SpiderMan

SpiderMan
04-27-2004, 11:39 AM
NHP,

My own relationship of 2 years is ending. I wanted it to work badly enough that I wore blinders through all the repetitive signs that it couldn't. It was like the proverbial frog being boiled alive, the water heats up gradually so he doesn't panic until he's cooked.

A little abuse and inconsideration, you get used to it, then a sucker punch, maybe you start to think you don't deserve better, then more abuse, finally you can't remember what a real relationship feels like. Then you get another sucker punch, and if you're lucky you wake up and hop out of the pot. Physical attraction is great, sex 10 times a week is great too, but if you don't share the same values it's going to be a train wreck.

Guess I'll go read all the responses to your post.

SpiderMan

bluewolf
04-27-2004, 12:08 PM
I think losing someone in a relationship is sometimes worse than losing a person due to death, especially if, like in Wendy's case, we can have them back. Their is this hole inside of you and everything hurts and the wanting of that person back is so strong because it hurts so bad, it is eaier to go back rather than face the pain.

The pain does not go on forever, but it is so intense, it feels like it is going to. It does not necessarily have to do with how long a person was in the relationship either. Going back into an unhealthy situation is crazy but I have done it. And I believe that there is a breaking point where you, me or whoever will not go back. We want to be done but emotionally we arent done or else we would not be going back, taking phone calls and doing heart flips when we think about them, and so forth.

having been through this I know about how hard it is to let go, and about being so obsessed about the other person, that of being non functional and even flunking out of school, not being able to eat, lose weight. When that is happening we are in the first, the most painful part, of the reieving process. I learned to grieve as long as I needed to and not try to fit in to anyone elses time table. Later in that grieving process it gets better, a person than think clearer about how much of it was them, how much it was me or we just werent a good match. I have found it impossible to be logical though in that stage of pain that consumes all. Talking and crying helps me a lot, not sure of others.

Hope it does not take too long, a horrible place to be in. you have my prayers. i agree with what someone said though about not dating any time soon. In that state of vulnerability, a person usually makes similar mistakes. It is best to go throught the pain and stay alone, spend time with friends until you have reached the point where you can look at things honestly, so your next relationship can be better, or even if there isnt one to feel great with yourself.

Laura

SpiderMan
04-27-2004, 03:30 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote bluewolf:</font><hr> I think losing someone in a relationship is sometimes worse than losing a person due to death, especially if, like in Wendy's case, we can have them back. Their is this hole inside of you and everything hurts and the wanting of that person back is so strong because it hurts so bad, it is eaier to go back rather than face the pain.
Laura <hr /></blockquote>

Yes, and it is doubly bad when you know that the other person actually needs you too - but you also know that the abusive behavior will continue because you've allowed it to.

SpiderMan

stickman
04-27-2004, 04:10 PM
Good luck friend. I hope the hurt goes away soon. Get into things that you like to do. Yeah! Do the things your former partner sometimes would rather you didn't do. She didn't like for you to get with your friends and drink beer and play poker? Go For It! Don't get carried away, but you know what I mean. My ex used to complain about my drinking a few beers and playing league two nights a week. I can play every night of the week if I can afford to and don't have more important things to do. I initially looked for a girlfriend, but have since decided that I really like things just like it is. I've lived a long full life to date. I've spent a significant amount of time in relationships, and likewise have spent a good deal of time trying to please significant others, children, and etc. I think I'll spend the rest of my time just pleasing me. I really don't think I'll ever be tempted into a relationship again. A relationship calls for compromises. Go about your life enjoying the things you like and wait for someone to come you, with your interests. In the mean time, just have fun, and enjoy life. (Happy men are more attractive to women.) /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif Just my advice.

Jim

stickman
04-27-2004, 10:55 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Sid Vicious:</font><hr>"Remember, were not here for a long time, just a good time. Enjoy Life!" <hr /></blockquote>

This reminds me of the Harley commercial, where the guy is drooling about the Harley, and says "Yeah, I could have bought one of these, but the wife and I decided to buy this really nice dinnete set. It was really great." Yeah right! HaHaa Stick is going for the Harley! /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif