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View Full Version : Head to Head: Fox vs. CNN



nAz
08-24-2004, 03:15 PM
Another good maxim poll /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

One's a cable news pioneer, the other's the network liberals fear. But which one's worth taking for a spin?


BEST TAGLINE

FOX CNN
"We report. You decide." "America's Most Trusted News Source"
EDGE: Fox. Even they snicker when they say it.


POLITICAL BIAS

FOX CNN
Supermacho Republican Somberly Sissy Democrat
EDGE: Fox. CNN is too self-loathing for it's own good—Fox doesn't apologize.


PAYS MOST LIP SERVICE TO "OBJECTIVITY"
FOX CNN
EDGE: CNN. They try, even when no one in the whole world is watching.


LIKELY DRUG OF CHOICE
FOX CNN
Viagra Doobie

EDGE: CNN. CNN is your mellow older brother with a glove compartment full of dope.


BEST TO WATCH DRUNK OFF ASS
FOX CNN
EDGE: Fox. Drink once every time you hear "freedom," "terror," or "death toll."


MOST LIKELY TO BREAK AWAY FROM POSITIVE NEWS IN ORDER TO COVER SCOTT PETERSON OR KOBE BRYANT TRIAL
FOX CNN
EDGE: Fox. Nothing whets the public's need to know like death and rape.


MOST ANNOYING BLOWHARD
FOX CNN
Bill O'Reilly Larry King
EDGE: CNN. O'Reilly is a pompous loudmouth but King can actually pass wind through his mouth.


CREDIBLE BIMBO
FOX CNN
Greta Van Susteren Paula Zahn
EDGE: Fox. With a face as harsh as the Texas Panhandle, Van Susteren has to be credible.


RIGHT-WING FRUITCAKE
FOX CNN
Sean Hannity Tucker Carlson
EDGE: Fox. Bow-tied pretty boy Carlson doesn't compare with Fox's resident Napoleonic blusterer.


LEFT-WING GIRL SCOUT
FOX CNN
Alan Colmes Paul Begala
EDGE: CNN. Though he looks like he plays Hacky Sack in his spare time, Begala just isn't the weeping jellyfish Colmes would be if Fox permitted him a speaking role.


BOTTOM-FEEDING PUNDIT
FOX CNN
Dick Morris James Carville
EDGE: Fox. Morris would sell his grandmother's ribs for some face time on national TV.


CRAZY-ASS FOUNDER
FOX CNN
Rupert Murdoch Ted Turner
EDGE: CNN. Murdoch might be richer and more powerful, but who'd you rather party with? We'll take Mouth of the South, Ted "Col. Sanders on Angel Dust" Turner.


OLD MAN WITH INTEGRITY
FOX CNN
Brit Hume Lou Dobbs
EDGE: CNN. Watching Dobbs is like watching golf: It's boring, but you're pretty sure something's happening. Hume traded his hard-won D.C. news rep for a fatter paycheck and boss.


MOST LIKELY TO GET DRUNK AND SHOOT CRITTERS
FOX CNN
EDGE: Fox. Yee-ha!


MOST LIKELY TO WATCH YENTL AND EAT A PINT OF ICE CREAM
FOX CNN
EDGE: CNN. Sensitive news for sensitive people.


MOST BELOVED POLITICIAN
FOX CNN
Dick Cheney Hillary Clinton
EDGE: Fox. They'll lance their own nuts for a chance to inhale Uncle President's cheap cologne.


LIVESTOCK-THEMED ANCHOR
FOX CNN
Shepard Smith Wolf Blitzer
EDGE: CNN. Not only did he brave the bombs in Baghdad more than a decade ago, his name doubles as a James Bond villain.


Winner: Fox by a score of 9 to 8.
Breaking news! Fox wins by being the most entertaining cable network this side of Comedy Central and Pax. Sorry, CNN, you can have your boring, old "news." For us, it's all war, dead expectant wives, and hippie bashing all the time!

Ross
08-24-2004, 04:02 PM
Spot on!