View Full Version : New rules

09-23-2004, 09:10 AM
Maher was pretty funny that last few weeks, here is a bit of last weeks "new Rules" segment...

September 17, 2004

And it is time now for our New Rules, ladies and gentlemen!

All right, New Rule: Let someone else in Florida hand out the bottled water. We get it. You care. You two would rub lotion on an old Jewish woman's ass if she was registered. But come on, George has bigger problems back in Washington. And Jeb, well, elections don't fix themselves.

New Rule: Stop building "[censored]-you-mobiles." A company called International is offering a pickup truck that is twice as heavy as the Hummer and so bad for the environment you can actually watch the sky falling in your rearview mirror. They call it the "image enhancer" for - quote - "folks who just want more." In other words, "assholes." But at a cost of a hundred grand, wouldn't it just be cheaper to go ahead and get the penis enlargement surgery?

New Rule: Stop with the "Taxachusetts." You know, it wasn't funny the first billion times. And besides, the obvious point that John Kerry didn't write the state's tax code, 35 states have a higher tax burden than Massachusetts. People in Montana pay more in taxes. From now on, I'm calling Montana, "Taxatana"! How do you like that Governor Judy Martz?! You and your free-spending ways disgust me! What are you? French?!

New Rule: Don't do things that feed the negative stereotype people have about your ethnic group. If you're a Latin, don't do something hot-tempered like throwing chairs at baseball fans. I'm Irish. You don't see me throwing up on them.

And finally, New Rule: Let's stop re-fighting the Vietnam War on the campaign trail and re-fight it where it'll do some good: in Vietnam. That's right. Let's stop dicking around and just re-invade Vietnam!

MAHER: I don't know if you've noticed what's been going on lately, but people don't talk this much about Vietnam in Vietnam! We are obsessed. I feel bad for Iraq! Usually when a war gets that little attention, it involves Africans. Boos into applause, a rarity.

Look, Americans need to work out our Vietnam issues. And like all nuanced, complicated questions, there's really just one simple answer to this one, and it drops from the belly of a plane. Sorry, Vietnam, but if we can have pre-emptive war, we can have post-mortem war. Oh, yes, remember what Dick Cheney says: "America must make no distinction between terrorists and those who harbor them." And those who do not!

Exactly. We must never allow ourselves to be at the mercy of terrorists, rogue states or countries that have similar geometric shapes to countries that are thinking of getting WMD's.

Now, some of you are saying, "Bill, we can't bomb Vietnam. Who's going to make our sneakers?" And if no one makes the sneakers, who's going to make the big endorsement deals? And without those, how do basketball players pay for their pricey rape lawyers? Yes, it's like a row of dominoes. And that's why they call it Vietnam.

Vietnam, the one we didn't win. But this time we will win, because I don't know if you read the papers, but since Vietnam, we have mastered this whole guerilla insurgency thing. No longer a problem. Plus, Vietnam doesn't have any weapons of mass destruction, any links to 9/11 or any ties to Al Qaeda. They're practically asking for it!

But... this isn't about them anyway. It's about us and our need for closure and resolution. And that other stuff people who can't afford Paxil are always talking about. This will allow us to move forward into a shining future, so that decades from now, when the president, whichever of the Bush twins it is can face the voters and say, "Our national nightmare is over. Vietnam is behind us. Now, let's go kick the [censored] out of Peru!"