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crawdaddio
09-25-2004, 10:46 PM
Too hilarious to not share:

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4038

[ QUOTE ]
ASADABAD, AFGHANISTAN—Fears of possible terrorist attacks have led organizers of the Sept. 27-30 al-Qaeda International Convention to take unprecedented security measures, sources reported Monday.
........"There are concerns about a possible attack, and we are responding by heightening security," al-Qaeda chairman and convention organizer Khalil al-Hamada said. "This year's convention will see longer lines and more comprehensive searches, and prospective martyrs will have difficulty gaining a private audience with Ayman al-Zawahiri. But, as freedom-haters who have always stood for the disruption and overthrow of the West, we will not allow terror to blunt our resolve or dictate our message."
.........."We will do everything we can to cut down on the amount of time spent in lines, but some waiting is to be expected," al-Hamada said. "I urge all attendees to be patient with the delays.<font color="red"> Please, I beg you, control your rage. Please."</font color>

Metal detectors will be set up in major entryways throughout the convention, and any firearms will be confiscated, inspected by security officers, and returned to their owners, who will be forced to swear that they will only fire their guns in celebration. Larger explosive devices will be confiscated and returned before the convention's closing ceremonies. To this end, Afghanistan's sole surviving bomb-sniffing dog will be called back into service.
.......... <font color="red"> "It's a sad day when an overzealous madman with a bomb strapped to himself can threaten our divinely inspired wave of destruction," Jassem said, idly polishing a rifle. "How in the world did we get to this point?" </font color>
............"It's a shame," said Malouri, who purchased a new AK-47 and bandolier of grenades for what he hopes will be his last convention. "I only wish to offer up my life to the death of Bush and the destruction of America for the greater glory of Allah. But now, with the world as it is, I'm afraid that other bloodthirsty religious fanatics may take that away from me."
.........."Fear of the unknown is the terrorist's best weapon," al-Hamada said. "If al-Qaeda does not stand firm in our resolve, then the terrorists will have already won." <hr /></blockquote>

Bwahahahaha!!! I'm rollin' here!
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highsea
09-26-2004, 11:30 PM
Hehehe. I like the pictures.

http://www.theonion.com/images/403/article2962.jpg
Above: Guards secure what will be the main entrance to the al-Qaeda International Convention.[ QUOTE ]
"We'll be employing some of the best and newest technology available," al-Hamada said. "This includes hundreds of top-of-the-line closed-circuit cameras, Lifeguard handheld metal detectors, and armored plates to line VIP sections of the caves. We've also kidnapped some of the top minds in security and counter-terrorism, and our clerics are currently grilling them for tips."<hr /></blockquote>
http://www.theonion.com/images/403/article2963.jpg
Above: A delegate from Mosul triggers a metal detector.

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