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SecaucusFats
11-26-2004, 03:23 PM
Iran Claims Plutonium Needed as Food
(2004-11-25) -- Iran today announced that the plutonium it is allowed to produce under a recent agreement with France, Germany and Britain, is strictly reserved for human consumption.

"We're processing plutonium to make falafel and frosted blueberry Pop-Tarts," said an unnamed spokesman for the Islamic Republic. "It is a top secret process but we desperately need the food, just like we were enriching uranium because we need energy in case the world's second largest oil reserves run out."

Last week, Iran agreed to halt uranium enrichment in exchange for benefits to be negotiated later, including a potential first-round draft pick. However, the issue of plutonium processing was set aside during the negotiations with France, Germany and Britain.

French Foreign Minister Michel Bernier, who, like his predecessor Dominique de Villepin, is a man, said allowing Iran to continue making plutonium was "a humanitarian concession designed to show our goodwill to our new peaceful friend. By permitting the plutonium production, we show Iran that we trust them not to bomb our people. This allows us to achieve security through unilateral vulnerability."

HOLD EVERYTHING! WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS! :

Breakthrough: Iran to Aim Smaller Warheads at Euro Cities

After a week of tough negotiating by France, Germany and Britain, the Islamic Republic of Iran has conceded to reduce the size of nuclear warheads it will use in the eventual bombing of Paris, Berlin and London.

"Iran blinked," said French Foreign Minister Michel Barnier, who is a man. "We have achieved everything we wanted in these negotiations. Our capital cities will be spared to a certain degree and Iran has pledged to stop enriching uranium, while retaining 20 operating centrifuges, and continuing to process plutonium. This is a great victory of diplomacy."

A spokesman for Iran's President Mohammad Khatami said, "The Europeans are vigorous negotiators, and we have made deep concessions. The eventual survivors in Paris, Berlin and London will express gratitude to Allah when they compare their lot with the fate of Jerusalem and New York."

SF