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View Full Version : Seeking advice from Prez Bush



landshark77
11-29-2004, 11:24 AM
Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus
18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? (I'm pretty sure she's a virgin).

3. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? How can I help you here?

5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Aren't there 'degrees' of abomination?

6. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. It must be really great to be on such close terms with God and his son, even better than you and your own Dad, eh?

highsea
11-29-2004, 12:16 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote landshark77:</font><hr>...I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? (I'm pretty sure she's a virgin).<hr /></blockquote>I can offer you a grilled cheese sandwich with your choice of holy images toasted into the bread. This will be a new sandwich with no bites taken out of it. If you can prove she is actually a virgin I would be willing to toast the image in both sides. I will package it in a ziploc bag and prepay the shipping charges (UPS ground).

-CM

hondo
11-29-2004, 12:33 PM
Great post, Landshark, but I'm a little surprised
that you're the one who posted it. I was going to
post this one( it's been around a while) but too much typing for me- poor typer, lazy.

landshark77
11-29-2004, 09:13 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote hondo:</font><hr> Great post, Landshark, but I'm a little surprised
that you're the one who posted it. I was going to
post this one( it's been around a while) but too much typing for me- poor typer, lazy. <hr /></blockquote>

Yeah a co-worker e-mailed it to me...I just cut and pasted it. /ccboard/images/graemlins/laugh.gif I thought it was funny. I'm not gonna get into a big debate about what my opinions are on the whole issue, as I'm getting ready to go outta town and I won't have the time to continue the debate. I'm upset I missed the debate the first time it came around. /ccboard/images/graemlins/frown.gif

And Highsea, try again...grilled cheese has become waaaaaaaaaaay overated. How 'bout a good old fashion burger? One with Jimmy Buffett's face...of course I'll be needing lettuce and tomato, Hienz 57, and french fried potato, a big kosher pickle and a cold glass of beer...yeah, virgins are expensive these days! /ccboard/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

highsea
11-30-2004, 04:30 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote landshark77:</font><hr> And Highsea, try again...grilled cheese has become waaaaaaaaaaay overated. How 'bout a good old fashion burger? One with Jimmy Buffett's face...of course I'll be needing lettuce and tomato, Hienz 57, and french fried potato, a big kosher pickle and a cold glass of beer...yeah, virgins are expensive these days! /ccboard/images/graemlins/shocked.gif <hr /></blockquote>

Hey, I didn't say we had a deal, that was my first offer...Geez, gimme a break..you drive a hard bargain.

"It was a two bit operation, we had it all down on a note.. Ricky'd watch that big round mirror, and I'd fill up my coat....Then we'd head for the checkout aisle, with a lemon and a bottle of beer...

Into the car, gotta make it on home, supper time's getting near..

Who's gonna steal the peanut butter? I'll get the can of sardines... Runnin up and down the aisle of the mini-mart, stickin' food in our jeans...

We never took more than we could eat, there was plenty left on the rack...We all swore, if we ever got rich, we would pay the mini-mart back.

yes sir, yes, sir..we would pay the mini-mart back.

CM~~~A White Sport Coat and a Pink Crustacean...

Rich R.
11-30-2004, 08:07 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote landshark77:</font><hr> How 'bout a good old fashion burger? One with Jimmy Buffett's face...of course I'll be needing lettuce and tomato, Hienz 57, and french fried potato, a big kosher pickle and a cold glass of beer...yeah, virgins are expensive these days! /ccboard/images/graemlins/shocked.gif <hr /></blockquote>
Shark, I think you may have had a deal, until you mentioned the "Hienz 57". I don't think Highsea uses any "Heinz" products. /ccboard/images/graemlins/blush.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Chopstick
11-30-2004, 08:42 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Rich R.:</font><hr> I don't think Highsea uses any "Heinz" products. /ccboard/images/graemlins/blush.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif <hr /></blockquote>

I used to like Heinz stuff. Now I have to switch.

highsea
11-30-2004, 08:43 AM
Hell, no Rich, I'm A-1 all the way... /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

-CM~~~actually, you don't need any of that junk...

landshark77
11-30-2004, 10:48 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote highsea:</font><hr>
Hey, I didn't say we had a deal, that was my first offer...Geez, gimme a break..you drive a hard bargain.

"It was a two bit operation, we had it all down on a note.. Ricky'd watch that big round mirror, and I'd fill up my coat....Then we'd head for the checkout aisle, with a lemon and a bottle of beer...

Into the car, gotta make it on home, supper time's getting near..

Who's gonna steal the peanut butter? I'll get the can of sardines... Runnin up and down the aisle of the mini-mart, stickin' food in our jeans...

We never took more than we could eat, there was plenty left on the rack...We all swore, if we ever got rich, we would pay the mini-mart back.

yes sir, yes, sir..we would pay the mini-mart back.

CM~~~A White Sport Coat and a Pink Crustacean... <hr /></blockquote>

Are you tryin' to say I'm part of the Peanut Butter conspiracy??? /ccboard/images/graemlins/confused.gif

And Heinz products are still the best...no matter what doofus she married. /ccboard/images/graemlins/shocked.gif