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SecaucusFats
12-25-2004, 10:54 AM
North Pole acquisitioned by GlobalCompuInterDyne Defense Systems
Asheville Disclaimer ^ | 12/24/04 | Cary Goff

New York, Mon. - Citing recent economic woes and a lack of profits generated by Santa's North Pole production facility, GlobalCompuInterDyne Defense Systems has acquisitioned Santa's workshop and is prepared to roll out its new line of Christmas© packages.

Santa Clause announced yesterday that he has been forced into early retirement. Many saw this coming after he failed to meet Wall Street's projections.

"We knew there was a lot of potential in the Christmas© market," said Stan Dribble, CEO of GCID. "But Santa's sales were very weak. It appears that he just gave the product away."

"I know who's getting a lump of coal in his stocking," Santa said during a press conference, referring to Dribble. "And my shiny black boot up his ass."

Santa's responsibilities have been outsourced to India and are now spread among twenty recent graduates of Panjab University, all being paid $5 an hour.

Also affected were Santa's little helpers, now left unemployed after their jobs were moved to the Philippines.

A spokesman for the elves stated, "I don't understand. We were working for free."

"That's the kind of attitude we are discouraging around here," said Mr. Dribble. "It's not the Christmas© spirit that will allow us to dominate the market."

When asked about the fate of the reindeer, Dribble only stated that they would be taken to a wildlife refuge co-developed by GCID and Dollywood, or they would be rendered at a meat packing facility in Greenland. "That hasn't been decided."

How will this affect Christmas©? According to Dribble, presents will no longer be delivered by sled, but through high-speed broadband cable. "We've digitized the whole Christmas experience. By reducing it all to 0's and 1's, we've drastically cut delivery time and production costs."

GCID plans on delivering three different Christmas© packages - Christmas© Basic, Christmas© Gold and Christmas© Platinum.

"We offer a variety of Christmas© solutions," said Dribble. "We're very excited about our new product and we think we're moving Christmas© into the 21st century."

"GCID's new motto is: We know when you are sleeping; we know when you're awake, and at GlobalCompuInterDyne Defense Systems we know when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake."
END

SF