PDA

View Full Version : Ask The (other) Imam



SecaucusFats
01-07-2005, 01:59 PM
Found this elsewhere I thought some of us might get a laugh out of it:

Q: When we bought our Nike clothes, we did not know that Nike meant Greek god. What should we do with these products we have?
A: You should remove all logos from sporting apparel which refer to false gods, such as "Nike" or "Favre." In addition, if you own a Mercury automobile, you should remove its logos, and fill in with bondo. You might also consider a 3" chop and frenched headlights, and a Gene Winfield fade. Not only is this Deen, you will soon have a bitchin' Merc lead sled which is holy in the eyes of Allah, peace be unto him.

Q: I am hearing that Princess Diana had accepted Islam before she passed away. What is your opinion?
A: It is possible. Although it is said that the last thing to pass through her head was her hind parts.

Q: Is it permissible for me to ask my wife to pierce her navel strictly for my pleasure only??
A: Belly piercing is so like 10 minutes ago. It is Haraam, as are trucker hats.

Q: What are the positions allowed for intercourse? Can wife sit on top of husband?
A: An Aayat of the noble Qur'aan states, 'the wife who is on top of husband is okay, except for a Cleveland steamer.'

Q: I have to make a choice whether I should work with jews. Is it allowed or should we decline?
A: If there are other job opportunities besides this one, we suggest you give preference to another job. If not, accuse the jew of stealing office supplies.

Q: Is it permissable to read the quran cross legged?
A: Yes. But it is not permissable to read the quran while doing the splits, or while playing Twister.

Q: Is it permissible to read a book or newspaper in the toilet?
A: Why would you be in a toilet? Rather than browsing a book it seems you should be desperately trying to get out. I suppose if the book was "How To Get Out of Toilet," that might make sense.

SF

nhp
01-08-2005, 03:54 AM
[ QUOTE ]
Q: I am hearing that Princess Diana had accepted Islam before she passed away. What is your opinion?
A: It is possible. Although it is said that the last thing to pass through her head was her hind parts. <hr /></blockquote>

Did you read all of these? This one is so tasteless and despicable it makes me want to puke.

highsea
01-08-2005, 12:54 PM
I agree with you on that one, nhp. Not very good taste. But the last one was pretty funny, imo.

-CM

SecaucusFats
01-08-2005, 12:55 PM
http://hometown.aol.com/raveloman/images/pukin.jpg

SF

Qtec
01-08-2005, 03:02 PM
her about the man who had 5 penis's?[sp]










his underpants fitted him


like a glove! /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Q

nhp
01-10-2005, 04:28 PM
I don't get it....a picture of a guy puking in response to me? What are you, 12? Princess Diana didn't accept Islam, and you laugh at something that mocks her death, especially in a gruesome way.

You talk about a woman loved by the whole world before and after she died, as if you are defecating on her grave, and yet you pretend that you have compassion for Iraqi civilians who endured hardships under Saddam. Bullshit, Bushie has got you on a leash and you won't admit it.

SecaucusFats
01-10-2005, 04:58 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote nhp:</font><hr> I don't get it....a picture of a guy puking in response to me?
<font color="red">You stated, and I quote, "Did you read all of these? This one is so tasteless and despicable it makes me want to puke."
</font color>

What are you, 12? <font color="red">No but I'm not so old that I have to get my panties in a twist about every damned thing. </font color>

Princess Diana didn't accept Islam, and you laugh at something that mocks her death, especially in a gruesome way. <font color="red">So what? Was she a Saint or something? Hey, I'm sorry she died. Was the remark tasteless, yes but lighten up there..it may not be your kind of humor, just as MAD TV might be to your liking, but it's humor anyway. And by the way who appointed you as the resident judge of taste and style? </font color>

You talk about a woman loved by the whole world before and after she died, as if you are defecating on her grave, and yet you pretend that you have compassion for Iraqi civilians who endured hardships under Saddam. Bullshit, Bushie has got you on a leash and you won't admit it. <font color="red">Bullsh*t! I was waiting for you to get to working Bush into this. Yeah it's all Bush's fault, he made me do it. And to top it all off you now claim to have some mystical power to look deep into a person's psyche and discern the true nature of their character via random postings on a message board. I can therefore reasonably observe that you may have some problems with daily regularity due to an overly constricted anal sphincter.

How about this: if you don't like what I post don't read it. </font color> <hr /></blockquote>

<font color="red">BTW, here's a joke for you:
Jesus walks into a motel hands the clerk three nails and says: "Hey Buddy, can you put me up for the night? </font color>

SF

nhp
01-10-2005, 08:03 PM
[ QUOTE ]
You stated, and I quote, "Did you read all of these? This one is so tasteless and despicable it makes me want to puke." <hr /></blockquote>

And I still don't get why you posted a picture of someone puking in response. I don't understand immature codes and signs.

[ QUOTE ]
No but I'm not so old that I have to get my panties in a twist about every damned thing.
<hr /></blockquote>

Nobody wants to know/cares that you wear panties. I'm 24 and I wear boxers.

[ QUOTE ]
So what? Was she a Saint or something? Hey, I'm sorry she died. Was the remark tasteless, yes but lighten up there..it may not be your kind of humor, just as MAD TV might be to your liking, but it's humor anyway. And by the way who appointed you as the resident judge of taste and style?
<hr /></blockquote>

My point was that to make fun of the death of someone beloved by many people is a low-blow.

[ QUOTE ]
Bullsh*t! I was waiting for you to get to working Bush into this. Yeah it's all Bush's fault, he made me do it. And to top it all off you now claim to have some mystical power to look deep into a person's psyche and discern the true nature of their character via random postings on a message board. I can therefore reasonably observe that you may have some problems with daily regularity due to an overly constricted anal sphincter.

How about this: if you don't like what I post don't read it. <hr /></blockquote>

All you do is post up jokes and insults about democrats, and suddenly when I mention Bush you get 'your panties in a twist'. I'm simply pointing out out hypocritical it is for you to pretend that you care so much about human life yet you are gonna sit there and try to get people to laugh about Princess Diana's gruesome death. Wierdo.

And also, how about if I don't like what you post, I'll tell you about it? I like doing that much more. And no, it's not because I like seeing you get your 'panties in a twist'.

SecaucusFats
01-10-2005, 09:13 PM
You're 24 going on 75. If I had been as morose, sour, ill-humored and "mature" as you at 24 I would have blown my head off. Do yourself a favor and ditch those burlap boxers you wear and while you're at it start drinking heavily, take prozac, and get group therapy with your fellow depressed, humorless twit liberals that can't accept the results of the election. Try getting la*d once in a while it works wonders!

Did you ever happen to see that Onion article "Mother Teresa Sent To Hell In Wacky Afterlife Mix-up"? Do you know that the death of any celebrity is immediately followed by all kinds of jokes? It's an American tradition, tasteless..yes,but a tradition nonetheless.

By the way send me your snail mail address, and I'll send you a case of Kleenex so you can wipe away the tears from your eyes everytime I post something you don't like, pansy boy.

SF

SecaucusFats
01-10-2005, 10:03 PM
A joke for every occasion…

During surgery

A guy walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor says: “I’ve got very bad news—you have cancer and Alzheimer’s.” The guy says, “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

At a funeral

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two bullets.

At a police lineup

A small guy goes out drinking and ends the night by being thrown into the drunk tank. He walks in and sees a huge dude standing there. The dude says, “Seven feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch penis, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints. When he recovers, he asks the big dude to repeat himself. “Seven feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch penis, Turner Brown,” he says. The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said, 'Turn around!'”

Celebrity deaths

Timing isn’t only about how you tell a joke—it’s about knowing what to joke about and when. Celebrity death jokes are considered just plain evil if cracked at the improper time. For example, when Princess Diana died, it was best to wait at least a week before proclaiming, “What does Princess Di turn into at midnight? The wall.” Here are some other celebs who’ve bought the farm, and the amount of time needed before jokes at their expense became funny:

Mother Teresa: A generation
JFK Jr.: Two and a half weeks
Chris Farley: One day
Walter Matthau: Three hours

At a bar

A guy gets so tanked at a bar that he falls off his chair. Some Good Samaritan guys pick him up and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, he gets out of the car and falls down again. They ring his doorbell, his wife answers and one of the guys says, “Well, here’s your husband.” The wife says, “That’s great. But where the hell is his wheelchair?”

On the golf course

A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local course. One of the men is about to chip into the green when he sees a funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes and bows his head in prayer. His friend says, “Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You are a kind man.” The man replies, “Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.”

At a business lunch

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

At the Million Mom March

“Mommy, Mommy, why do I keep walking in circles?”
“Quiet down, dear, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.”

At a wedding

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender says, “What’s wrong?” “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend,” says the man. “That’s just awful. What did you do?” “Well, I looked my wife right in the eyes and said we were through.” “What did you tell your best friend?” “I looked him in the eyes and said, ‘Bad dog!’”

SF

nhp
01-10-2005, 11:19 PM
[ QUOTE ]
You're 24 going on 75. <hr /></blockquote>

And you're....an old pompous windbag.

[ QUOTE ]
If I had been as morose, sour, ill-humored and "mature" as you at 24 I would have blown my head off. Do yourself a favor and ditch those burlap boxers you wear and while you're at it start drinking heavily, take prozac, and get group therapy <hr /></blockquote>

So you're saying that at some point in your life, you started drinking heavily, took prozac, and got in group therapy. If that's going to make me a nutcase like you, no thanks.

[ QUOTE ]
twit liberals that can't accept the results of the election. <hr /></blockquote>

That's every conservatives 'punch line' that doesn't know what else to say. I didn't like Kerry much either, I had already accepted our country was screwed either way.

[ QUOTE ]
Try getting la*d once in a while it works wonders!
<hr /></blockquote>

Sorry, I don't swing that way. I prefer women. The internet is not the place to be hitting on people, especially on straight men. Did you ever think about moving to San Francisco?


[ QUOTE ]
Did you ever happen to see that Onion article "Mother Teresa Sent To Hell In Wacky Afterlife Mix-up"? Do you know that the death of any celebrity is immediately followed by all kinds of jokes? It's an American tradition, tasteless..yes,but a tradition nonetheless.
<hr /></blockquote>

You're not going to find jokes about a horrible death from any source that is halfway decent. Not even the onion or the other net-junkie sites you frequent will go that far. A joke about Mother Theresa going to hell on accident is a bit different than making fun of Diana's dismemberment from her accident.

[ QUOTE ]
By the way send me your snail mail address, <hr /></blockquote>

OOH! You said SNAIL MAIL!! That was vicious!!! /ccboard/images/graemlins/confused.gif

[ QUOTE ]
and I'll send you a case of Kleenex so you can wipe away the tears from your eyes everytime I post something you don't like, <hr /></blockquote>

In return I'll write an essay on how to cope with being criticized. It will include excerpts from many of your rants when someone pisses you off. I feel like I'm arguing with a 5th grader, the way you try to insult me. Believe it or not, you're not really bothering me one bit. Right now I'm just getting a kick out of how angry you are getting.


[ QUOTE ]
pansy boy. <hr /></blockquote>

Like I said, the internet is not the place to be trying to pick up other men. So far you've fantasized about me wearing panties, now you're calling me a pansy boy. I hate to break it to you, but I am NOT GAY. You are much better off moving to San Francisco if you want to meet a bunch of gay men.

SecaucusFats
01-10-2005, 11:52 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote nhp:</font><hr>
Try getting la*d once in a while it works wonders!
<hr /></blockquote>

Sorry, I don't swing that way. I prefer women. The internet is not the place to be hitting on people, especially on straight men. Did you ever think about moving to San Francisco?

Like I said, the internet is not the place to be trying to pick up other men. So far you've fantasized about me wearing panties, now you're calling me a pansy boy. I hate to break it to you, but I am NOT GAY. You are much better off moving to San Francisco if you want to meet a bunch of gay men.

<font color="red">"Methinks thou doth protest too much."

LOL, I'm comfortable with my sexual orientation, but I have a feeling you may have some confusion as to your own, hence your need to call me 'gay'. I believe psychologists call this phenomenom 'projection'-- the attribution of one's own ideas, feelings, or attitudes to other people or to objects; especially : the externalization of blame, guilt, or responsibility as a defense against anxiety.

Why do this to yourself? Cut loose the shackles and come out of that closet with your head held high! /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif </font color>

SF













<hr /></blockquote>

nhp
01-11-2005, 12:38 AM
I didn't call you gay. You expressed yourself when your imagination went wild with me wearing female undergarments. You definately are a strange one.