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01-15-2005, 05:24 PM
Bulletin Bloopers
These are ACTUAL announcements from church bulletins:

1. Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

2. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

3. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

4. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

5. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

6. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

7. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

8. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

9. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

10. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

11. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

12. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

13. Evening Massage—6 p.m.

14. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

15. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

16. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

17. Ushers will eat latecomers.

18. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

19. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

20. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

21. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

22. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

23. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”

24. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

25. Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”

26. The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

27. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

28. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

29. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, “The Lord Knows Why.”

30. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

31. Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

32. Hymn 43: “Great God, What Do I See Here?”
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: “Hark! an Awful Voice is Sounding”

33. On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

34. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

35. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

36. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

37. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

38. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

01-15-2005, 06:09 PM
A few more:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

This week's saints include a French woman (Teresa, the Little Flower), a Swedish woman (Bridget), an Italian man (Francis of Assisi), a German man (Bruno), a Jewess from the Holy Land (Mary, God's Mother). They include single people and married people. Bridget was a wife and mother. Mary was a virgin and virgin mother. If they could do it, so can we.

Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 p.m.-8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

And finally, an anecdote:

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"

01-16-2005, 07:47 PM
Howdy Debra,
Are u serious?
How is Elpasso?I Was there 3 weeksa ago.Cheers
Vagabond /ccboard/images/graemlins/cool.gif

01-18-2005, 07:21 PM
Howdy Debra,
<font color="red"> Howdy. </font color>

Are u serious?
<font color="red">Not on Purpose </font color>

How is Elpasso?
<font color="red">I haven't lived there for quite a while. I wouldn't know.</font color>
</font color>
I Was there 3 weeksa ago.
<font color="red">My condolences.</font color>