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SecaucusFats
01-19-2005, 12:07 PM
Invitation to Kerry's Non-Inaugural Pity Party

Due to the cancellation of the Inaugural Ball for Senator Kerry, there will be a small Soiree (pity party) for those who have already bought their attire.

Dan Rather will be printing the invitations (so you better independently confirm the date)

Ashton Kutcher will be signing his latest book..."I open my mouth and stupid falls out."

Unfortunately, P Diddy will not be in attendance; he’s still trying to get the vote out – and cleaning up the dead from his “vote or die” campaign.

Barbra Streisand is preparing for her next role and will not be there; she will be starring as Teresa Heinz Kerry in the sad story of "Shove It, Scumbag – the biography of THK"

Ted Kennedy will be tending the bar (of course), so you might want to bring your own booze.

UPDATE - Ted did get the bartenders unionized – the contract says that bartenders can drink two drinks for every one they serve.

Larry Flynt will be taking the "official" photos. A private shoot will be held for Hillary Clinton and Barbara Boxer (if she can stop crying), and another for Bill and Monica, or Bill and Paula, or Bill and Gennifer – oh, whoever.

Terry McAuliffe will be making an appearance – but only at the window - on the outside looking in.

George Soros will arrive in a gilded chariot pulled by eight white horses.

Teresa Heinz Kerry will be stunning in a jeweled hospital gown. She is coming directly from "election" surgery – she had her lips stapled shut!

Susan Estrich, being picky about her diet, will be bringing her own crow.

John Kerry will be flippin’ the burgers...flipping is something he has proven to be very good at.

Sandy Berger is responsible for providing utensils and flatware – if you don’t find it on your table, you might want to check his socks and shorts.

Senator Biden will be signing pictures of him hugging Yasser Arafat – it’s a touching photo taken just before they frolicked with the sheep.

Senator Edwards (woops, ex-senator that is) will be signing his new book “Chasing Ambulances and Other Fun Ways to Make Lots of Money”.

Attention all actors: Norman Lear is casting for his new show "Fahrenheit 11-3-04 – What The Hell Happened?!"

After counseling guests on moral issues, the Reverend Jesse Jackson will be impregnating young women.

The nights' whining (oh, I mean entertainment) will be provided by the Dixie Chicks & Bruce Springsteen.

Howard Dean will announce the night’s events (it’ll be a good idea to bring earplugs – WooooooHaaaa!!!)

An unlimited supply of tissues for excessive self pity will be furnished by Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (they are sooo generous).

And for those who would like to make a $50,000 donation – you can have a private moment watching Michael Moore count his millions while he chants “ooo, what should my next infomercial be about” and “who took my devil dogs”.

And at the end of the evening, Kofi Annan will be giving all of those in attendance a 50 gallon drum of Iraqi oil (he had some left over), and a calendar with 31 days in June.

Hope to see you there!!!

P.S. Dress in light clothing, even though it’s winter, Al Gore (not the inventor of the Internet, the weatherman), predicts that global warming will have things really hot that day!!!
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SF