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SecaucusFats
04-03-2005, 12:07 PM
Came across this today (just the thing for dealing with companies):


Dear (company name),

We here at the (your name) household are of course eager to continue serving you in the capacity of customer, but due to the large volume of monthly bills we receive, we cannot possible be expected to identify you from just your name and address. Therefore we have assigned you the following Personalized Account Number:

389249858230HAHAHA958305H566583524658-16SNORKEL98465168468416846DWEEB5441641-6546187110DOOT664614064654523000THRIBBIT-654541465406540654654066

Please be sure to write your Personalized Account Number on ALL BILLS AND OTHER CORRESPONDENCE that you send us, because otherwise we will have no idea who you are, and we will be forced to treat your bill or other correspondence with no more respect than we would accord a recently discarded condom.

If at any time you have a problem with your account, do not hesitate to call our convenient Hot Line Service Number, (425) 316-8581. Please be prepared to:

1. Listen to a prerecorded version of the popular “rock and roll” tune Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree until one of our Service Representatives can spare a moment with you.

2. Give your name, Personalized Account Number and a brief description of your problem.

3. Suddenly, without any explanation, find yourself listening once again to Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree.

4. Talk to a completely new Customer Service Representative, on who is totally unfamiliar with your situation, who in fact appears to have just arrived on this continent via parachute, and who therefore, of course, will need to know your name, Personalized Account Number and a brief description of your problem.

5. Experience another sudden unexpected burst of listening enjoyment involving the hit song Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree.

6. Experience the following sound: “click”.

7. Call our convenient Hot Line Service Number, (425) 316-8581.

Please bear in mind that these new procedures have been designed for YOUR PROTECTION AND CONVENIENCE, and if you deviate from them EVEN A TINY LITTLE BIT we turn your world into a LIVING HELL as part of our continuing effort to SERVE YOU BETTER.