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Barbara
04-27-2005, 09:14 AM
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane".

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't he airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't he flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" !

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said thepilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Wally_in_Cincy
04-27-2005, 10:00 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Barbara:</font><hr>

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

<hr /></blockquote>

One Southwest attendant said

"eenie, meenie, miney, mo.
pick a seat so we can go"

a black lady who was on board sued the airline /ccboard/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

I used to love flying Southwest. It was like a party sometimes. I wish they flew out of Cincy.

thanks for the funnies Barbara

PQQLK9
04-27-2005, 10:21 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Wally_in_Cincy:</font><hr> <blockquote><font class="small">Quote Barbara:</font><hr>

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

<hr /></blockquote>

One Southwest attendant said

"eenie, meenie, miney, mo.
pick a seat so we can go"

a black lady who was on board sued the airline /ccboard/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

I used to love flying Southwest. It was like a party sometimes. I wish they flew out of Cincy.

thanks for the funnies Barbara <hr /></blockquote>

It was probably because she and a whole generation of Blacks grew up hearing ...

"eenie, meenie, miney, mo. "catch a N(word) by the toe ...

If he hollers let him go"

Or something to that effect. Over the top IMO but who knows.

Wally_in_Cincy
04-27-2005, 10:38 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote PQQLK9:</font><hr>

It was probably because she and a whole generation of Blacks grew up hearing ...

"eenie, meenie, miney, mo. "catch a N(word) by the toe ...

If he hollers let him go"

Or something to that effect. Over the top IMO but who knows.

<hr /></blockquote>

Yeah, I am aware of the song and it was probably an unwise choice to use that particular melody. I don't know if anyone should be sued over it though. I never heard what the outcome was.

I doubt that too many kids sing that song any more. It's possible that the flight attendant was young enough to not be aware of the offensive version.

all speculation on my part /ccboard/images/graemlins/confused.gif who knows

PQQLK9
04-27-2005, 10:43 AM
Heck some people just want a free ride /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif.I'm seaching for cut off fingers /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif.

Wally_in_Cincy
04-27-2005, 10:43 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Wally_in_Cincy:</font><hr>
..I never heard what the outcome was.<hr /></blockquote>

<font color="blue">found it </font color>

[ QUOTE ]
the case went to trial. That's tens of thousands of dollars the airline had to spend, just to prove that a nonsense nursery rhyme wasn't maliciously used to injure the passengers. And it wasn't just the airline that had to expend resources:

[The trial] began on Tuesday before an eight-member jury.

The jury returned its verdict in favor of the airline Wednesday evening.

<hr /></blockquote>

Wally_in_Cincy
04-27-2005, 10:44 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote PQQLK9:</font><hr> Heck some people just want a free ride /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif.I'm seaching for cut off fingers /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif. <hr /></blockquote>

do you know anybody in medical school? /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

One
04-27-2005, 11:16 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Wally_in_Cincy:</font><hr>
the case went to trial. That's tens of thousands of dollars the airline had to spend, <hr /></blockquote>How much did the black lady have to spend?

Deeman2
04-27-2005, 11:34 AM
Walley,

I like Southwest as well. Years ago when I flew on it.... one stewardess (I know it's illegal to call them that now), said, "We are all very excited to have Robert Redford flying with us this evening." Everyone spent the whole flight looking for the non-existent Mr Redford.

They used to be a blast and it was great to see a company that was not too PC.

Deeman

Wally_in_Cincy
04-27-2005, 11:52 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote One:</font><hr> How much did the black lady have to spend? <hr /></blockquote>

Probably zero. Lawyers often take cases on a contingency basis. If you lose you don't pay. If you win the lawyer gets a third.

They probably really did not want to go to trial. They figured Southwest would settle out of court.

sorry barbara for the direction of your humorous thread /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

9 Ball Girl
04-27-2005, 01:12 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote PQQLK9:</font><hr> Heck some people just want a free ride /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif.I'm seaching for cut off fingers /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif. <hr /></blockquote>The lady who claimed that she chewed into a finger in a Wendy's chili was arrested. Here's the article from the New York Daily News that I read this morning:

She Relishes Chance to Face Wendy's Rap

LAS VEGAS - The woman who was arrested after claiming she bit into a human finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili waived extradition yesterday, saying she was eager to face grand larceny charges in California.

A lawyer for Anna Ayala, 39, derided the charges against her as "ridiculous".

That's the same sentiment officials at Wendy's expressed when she claimed she chomped into a wayward digit. Her alleged dining nightmare cost the fast food restaurant millions in lost sales.

Quick Trivia: Anyone know what News stands for? /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

SpiderMan
04-27-2005, 02:06 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote 9 Ball Girl:</font><hr> Quick Trivia: Anyone know what News stands for? /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif <hr /></blockquote>

"Not Exactly What it Seems"? /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

SpiderMan

Fran Crimi
04-27-2005, 02:32 PM
Haha! Really funny stuff.

Here are a few from my own flying experiences.

1.) We pull out of the gate and the left engine dies. We're sitting on the tarmac for an hour while the mechanics are all over the engine. Finally, the Captain comes on and tells us "Well, we think we've fixed the problem, so we're going to go ahead and take off and see what happens." LEMME OFF!!

2.) We're second in line for takeoff and we suddenly pull over to the side. The captain announces that the pilot in the plane behind us noticed our back door open. GEEZ! DON'T THEY HAVE DOOR INDICATOR LIGHTS IN THESE THINGS??

3.)We caught a wind sheer just at touchdown and the plane jolted so badly that the overhead compartments opened up and stuff flew out all over the place. As we were taxiing to the gate, the flight attendant said, "Be careful when opening the overhead compartments as things may have shifted during flight." GIVE THIS WOMAN A RAISE.

4.) We're nearing NYC and and the captain comes on the mike: "Well folks I have good news and bad news." Everybody gasped and my heart lept into my mouth. "The good news is the weather's cleared up in New York. The bad news is the Yankees just lost." LET'S ALL KILL THIS CAPTAIN.

Fran

Rod
04-27-2005, 02:58 PM
Funny stuff, I'll have a beer or two when flying. I sure as hell don't want to be stone cold sober. Once in a DC10 we hit a pocket so hard almost all the center overhead compartments fell open. Sitting in the tail section, my beer went well over my head, the full one and the near full one. Jeez the compartments flying open was ok, but don't spill my beer. LOL

Flying one day in a 180 Cessena, a friend om mine was landing the plane. When we "hit" the runway, he said get down you suna of bitc*, then he continued to say that while we bounced down the runway. I'm not real fond of flying.

Rod

Pizza Bob
04-27-2005, 04:14 PM
True Story...
I have a friend who's a flight attendent (they prefer "Sky Goddess") for NW Airlines. Early on in her career she had Cassius Clay (see how long ago this is?) on board. In those days he was full of piss &amp; vinegar. They were preparing for take-off and his seatbelt was not yet fastened. My friend ask him to please fasten his seatbelt, to which he retorted, "Superman don't need no seatbelt!" To which she calmly replied, "Superman don't need no plane." He fastened the belt. Probably one of the few times someone got the better of him.

Adios,

Pizza Bob

SnakebyteXX
04-27-2005, 05:20 PM
PQQLK9: [ QUOTE ]
It was probably because she and a whole generation of Blacks grew up hearing ...

"eenie, meenie, miney, mo. "catch a N(word) by the toe ...
<hr /></blockquote>

Back in the 50's my Ozark born mother used to call Brazil Nuts "N(word)toes".

Times have changed and rightfully so.

Snake

PQQLK9
04-27-2005, 05:22 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote SnakebyteXX:</font><hr> PQQLK9: &lt;/font&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&lt;font class="small"&gt;Quote:&lt;/font&gt;&lt;hr /&gt;
It was probably because she and a whole generation of Blacks grew up hearing ...

"eenie, meenie, miney, mo. "catch a N(word) by the toe ...
<hr /></blockquote>

Back in the 50's my Ozark born mother used to call Brazil Nuts "N(word)toes".

Times have changed and rightfully so.

Snake <hr /></blockquote>

I remember that /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

landshark77
04-27-2005, 05:57 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote PQQLK9:</font><hr> <blockquote><font class="small">Quote Wally_in_Cincy:</font><hr> <blockquote><font class="small">Quote Barbara:</font><hr>

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

<hr /></blockquote>

One Southwest attendant said

"eenie, meenie, miney, mo.
pick a seat so we can go"

a black lady who was on board sued the airline /ccboard/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

I used to love flying Southwest. It was like a party sometimes. I wish they flew out of Cincy.

thanks for the funnies Barbara <hr /></blockquote>

It was probably because she and a whole generation of Blacks grew up hearing ...

"eenie, meenie, miney, mo. "catch a N(word) by the toe ...

If he hollers let him go"

Or something to that effect. Over the top IMO but who knows.

<hr /></blockquote>

I grew up knowing this rhyme as "catch a tiger by the toe."

pooltchr
04-27-2005, 06:01 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Rod:</font><hr> Funny stuff, I'll have a beer or two when flying. I sure as hell don't want to be stone cold sober. Once in a DC10 we hit a pocket so hard almost all the center overhead compartments fell open. Sitting in the tail section, my beer went well over my head, the full one and the near full one. Jeez the compartments flying open was ok, but don't spill my beer. LOL

Flying one day in a 180 Cessena, a friend om mine was landing the plane. When we "hit" the runway, he said get down you suna of bitc*, then he continued to say that while we bounced down the runway. I'm not real fond of flying.

Rod <hr /></blockquote>


Rod, you haven't lived until you ground loop a Beech-18!!!

highsea
04-27-2005, 07:22 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote pooltchr:</font><hr>...ground loop a Beech-18!<hr /></blockquote>Ouch. The closest I came was getting sideways on landing in a 172. I tried to beat a rainstorm back to the airstrip, and lost. About 20 feet AGL it hit, and I lost visibility, and got it back just as the mains were touching down. When the nosewheel came down, I lightly touched the brakes, and the plane just hydroplaned sideways, lol, my heart bout stopped. Stomped some right rudder and got straightened out, and rolled out the entire runway- 3200 feet. About 3 times my normal rollout. /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Only other close call I had was on another landing, about 50 feet AGL, a crosswind picked up my left wing and pushed me over to the taxiway, where a Grumman Widgeon was sitting on the hold line doing his runup and waiting for me to land. I go. "Ah, Sh*t!" A very quick correction had me back on centerline just as I touched down. My instructor was in the right seat, and said, "Good correction, but your passengers don't really want to hear the pilot say "Oh Sh*t" just before the plane lands!. Lol. I never forgot that one. /ccboard/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

wolfdancer
04-27-2005, 07:28 PM
Casey, do you realise the dangers that all these aircraft impose? The new Airbus may be the "straw that....."

http://hawglydavidson.com/stories/endoftheworld.html

Vapros
04-27-2005, 09:22 PM
Wally, the attorney generally knows what the outcome of a case will be (from previous decisions in similar cases), and if he takes a case on a contingency basis you can bet the rent it will be a winner. Otherwise, he probably will pass on it. And one-third, I believe, is a pretty standard proposition on such cases - not just contingency cases.

Also, I think that what we call the contingency fee system in this country is still a crime called 'champerty' in some other countries.

pooltchr
04-28-2005, 03:21 AM
Ours was landing at JFK...should have known when the tower called us to say the 747 ahead of us was reporting severe turbulance on final approach. If it's severe to a '47, imagine how we felt in that B-18 tail dragger!!! Fortunately we were on the 10K runway which was wide enough that we never got into the mud.
Flying---Hours of boredom with occasional moments of pure terror!
Steve

Wally_in_Cincy
04-28-2005, 05:56 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote highsea:</font><hr> .... your passengers don't really want to hear the pilot say "Oh Sh*t" just before the plane lands!. ... <hr /></blockquote>

Normally the last words on a recovered flight recorder are not necessarilly released to the public but I would wager that "oh sh*t" is heard on at least 50% of them. I remember reading about one a few years ago and the article just said an expletive was heard just before ground contact.

9 Ball Girl
04-28-2005, 07:24 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote SpiderMan:</font><hr> <blockquote><font class="small">Quote 9 Ball Girl:</font><hr> Quick Trivia: Anyone know what News stands for? /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif <hr /></blockquote>

"Not Exactly What it Seems"? /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

SpiderMan <hr /></blockquote> <font color="blue">Good try but I was told a long time ago that it means North East West South.</font color>

pooltchr
04-28-2005, 07:25 AM
First you say it, then you do it!!! /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif
Steve

SpiderMan
04-28-2005, 08:29 AM
A former girlfriend told me that her ex-husband was drummed out of the Air Force due to recurrent alcoholism, but thousands of dollars and a couple of good lawyers managed to keep the real reason out of his records.

He went to work as a pilot for American Airlines, and I always listen for his name during the pre-takeoff banter.

SpiderMan

SpiderMan
04-28-2005, 08:35 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote SnakebyteXX:</font><hr> PQQLK9: &lt;/font&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&lt;font class="small"&gt;Quote:&lt;/font&gt;&lt;hr /&gt;
It was probably because she and a whole generation of Blacks grew up hearing ...

"eenie, meenie, miney, mo. "catch a N(word) by the toe ...
<hr /></blockquote>

Back in the 50's my Ozark born mother used to call Brazil Nuts "N(word)toes".

Times have changed and rightfully so.

Snake <hr /></blockquote>

As a child in the late 1960s, I remember a popular brand of canned Oysters in Memphis grocery stores was "N--gg-rhead". They were preferred by blacks and whites alike. Now and then, unopened cans of these oysters pop up on Ebay, and fetch a surprising price.

SpiderMan