View Full Version : No Pun Intended

9 Ball Girl
06-10-2005, 09:10 AM
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only on carrion allowed per passenger."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiats checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand the chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan send a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...what? (Oh man, this is so bad it's good). A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortantely, no pun in ten did.

06-10-2005, 09:47 AM
Mahatma was funny as hell!

06-10-2005, 02:46 PM
These were godawful but funny anyway.

DG - heading to the Belmont in the morning

Cueless Joey
06-10-2005, 03:44 PM
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortantely, no pun in ten did.
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Star Wars III made 100 million dollars in it's opening weekend. Quite a feat considering the movie sold one ticket at a time. /ccboard/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

06-10-2005, 05:28 PM
The Cheese Wheel

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where
the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family
is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill,
kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:

"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of
the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel
of cheese.

When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of Cheddar cheese from
the Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's

Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you", he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs
straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs
her to make nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchilad! as and
burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No, the husband says, "Jesus sent this
to me with a message..... as I ran home, I kept hearing a voice


06-11-2005, 05:08 AM
Nice ones wendy.keep postin
vagabond /ccboard/images/graemlins/cool.gif

06-15-2005, 02:52 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote 9 Ball Girl:</font><hr>A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.<hr /></blockquote>
Whoever came up with that is genius.