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sack316
11-18-2005, 03:25 AM
1. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... -- Sir Norman Wisdom

2. One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
-- Edgar Watson Howe

3. A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
-- Doug Larson

4. A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie!
-- Eric Bolton

5. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Erno Philips

6. I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. -- Robert Paul

7. We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller

8. Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
-- Victor Borge

9. Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
-- W.C. Fields

10. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
-- Will Rogers

11. Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney

12. Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
-- Tim Allen

13. If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
-- Rita Rudner

14. I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-- Woody Allen

15. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
-- Erica Jong

16. Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
-- Elbert Hubbard

17. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson

18. In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
-- Joey Adams

19. I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
-- Henry Youngman

20. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ?
-- Benny Hill