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dg-in-centralpa
11-24-2005, 06:39 PM
I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because itís the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

You canít pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating doís and doníts. Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didnít think so. Isnít mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.

I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, youíll be fat and happy. So what if you donít make it to New Yearís? Your pants wonít fit anymore anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where theyíre serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, itís rare. In fact, itís even rarer than single-male scotch. You canít find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? Itís not as if youíre going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. Itís a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. Itís later than you think.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. Thatís the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if theyíre made with skim milk or whole milk. If itís skim, pass. Why bother? Itís like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a party is to eat other peopleís food. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Yearís. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which youíll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and donít budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. Theyíre like a beautiful pair of shoes. You canít leave them behind. Youíre not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you donít like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, itís loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

And one final tip. If you donít feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you havenít been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

DG - follows this faithfully

Rich R.
11-25-2005, 06:07 AM
I only have one tip.

Life is uncertain. Eat desert first. /ccboard/images/graemlins/blush.gif

dg-in-centralpa
11-25-2005, 11:43 AM
I agree with you. That will be my new motto. "Life is short, eat desert first."

DG