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View Full Version : Friday...it's joke time!



nAz
02-03-2006, 12:51 AM
Post em if you got em... here is a few to get this thread going!


Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her.

Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc!

When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!

.................................................. ...................

The Shy Man

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She yells at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs, he responds, "What do you mean $200?"

.................................................. ...................

The Triple Filter Test

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day, the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was screwing around with his wife.

dg-in-centralpa
02-03-2006, 07:31 PM
Back at ya buddy!

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty-dollar bill, and gives it to him. She says, "Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight.. But remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him fifty!"

DG

vonn31
02-04-2006, 01:56 AM
A woman goes to the gynecologist for a checkup. He gets her on the table with her legs in the stirrups. He glances down and says, "Damn, that's the biggest [censored] I've ever seen." The woman gets angry and storms out of his office.
She gets home and starts thinking about what he said. She takes off her clothes and puts a mirror on the floor and is standing over it looking at her self. At that moment, her husband walks in. He says, "What the hell are you doing?"
She replies that she's trying some new exercises. Her husband says, "Well be careful, you're about to fall in that big ass hole in the floor".

-----------------------------------------------------------

An attractive lady in her mid 30's is at the shoe store. A young salesman is asked to help her try on shoes. As he slips the shoe on, he notices that she's not wearing any panties.
On about the 3rd pair he says, "Baby, I'd like to eat that thing full of ice cream".
The lady gets angry and storms home to tell her husband. After listening to her complaint, her husband simply goes back to reading the paper as if nothing happened. She said, "Aren't you going to go down there and give that punk a piece of your mind?"
Husband says "Hell no".
Wife asks "Why not?".
Husband says "Well, it's like this,
1. you shouldn't have been in there without any panties on.
2. You don't need any shoes. You have a closet full already. and...
3. Any man that can eat that much ice cream, I aint messin' with him."

Cueless Joey
02-04-2006, 02:00 AM
These are the top five adult jokes for last year:
>
>
>Number 5:
>
>
>
>A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes
>into her breast They are both quite startled. The man turns to her
and
>says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive
>me."
>
>She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
221."
>
>
>
>Number 4:
>
>
>A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman.
He
>notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
>He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting
book. It
>says that American Indians have the longest penises and Italian men
are the
>best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
>
>"Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you."
>
>
>
>Number 3:
>
>
>
>One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his
>wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I! 'm sorry honey, I've
got a
>gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
>
>The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back
over
>and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"
>
>
>
>Number 2:
>
>
>
>Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number
>of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had
>terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle
>slicer.
>
>His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but
>Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion
>on his own.
>
>One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once
that
>something ! was seriously wrong.
>
>"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
>"Do you remember th at I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my
>penis into the pickle slicer?"
>
>"Oh, Bill, you didn't.""Yes, I did."
>
>"My! God, Bill, what happened?"
>
>"I got fired"
>
>"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
>
>"Oh..she got fired too."
>
>
>
>Number 1:
>
>
>A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast
>table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we
were
>sitting here at this breakfast table together."
>
>"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
>jaybirds fifty years ago."
>
>"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
>Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
>
>"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples
>are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
>
>"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the
>other is in your oatmeal."



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nAz
02-04-2006, 01:28 PM
Quickie
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?

A: To find a tight seal.

.................................................. ....................


Hong Kong Dong
On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild
sex with a Geisha Girl.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore
growing on his penis.

He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and
extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was
complete amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion. Joe contacted Dr. Smith and
showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct.
We must amputate right away".

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor.
They must deal with this all the time.

He went to Dr. Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said
"These Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop chop. Amputation not necesally."
Joe was relieved.

Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."

dg-in-centralpa
02-05-2006, 08:07 AM
An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man
standing in a clearing.

The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says,

How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"

DG

wolfdancer
02-05-2006, 11:30 AM
The doctor finishes examining Michael Jackson's wife, just after giving birth....and Michael asks "How soon before we can have sex?"
the Doc replies "I'd wait until he's at least 14"