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SnakebyteXX
04-18-2006, 07:52 PM
Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

web page (http://wdwd.blogspot.com/2006/04/laughs-from-employee-performance.html)

Sid_Vicious
04-19-2006, 08:04 AM
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

pooltchr
04-19-2006, 08:37 AM
I think at some point, ALL of those people have worked for me. I just never had the guts to actually write that on their reviews!
Steve

Barbara
04-19-2006, 09:38 AM
And here's a few that no TD running a 1200+ player tournament should be without:

THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think youíre full of sh*t.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just donít give a f*ck.
3. How about ďneverĒ? Is ďneverĒ good for you?
4. It sounds like English but I canít understand a word youíre saying.
5. I see youíve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. Iím already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure.
10. The fact that no one understands you doesnít mean youíre an artist.


USEFUL EXPRESSIONS FOR THOSE HIGH STRESS DAYS

1. Well, arenít we just a ray of f*cking sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Donít bother me. Iím living happily ever after.
4. Do I look like a f*cking people person?
5. This isnít an office. Itís Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
7. You! Off my planet!
8. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
9. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
10. I like cats too. Letís exchange recipes.
11. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would beÖ?
15. Iím not crazy; Iíve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
16. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
17. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
18. Iím just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
19. Iím trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havenít fallen asleep yet.
22. I canít remember if Iím the good twin or the evil one.
23. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
24. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
26. Can I trade this job for whatís behind door #2?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Just smile and say, ďYes, master.Ē
29. Chaos, panic, and disorder Ė my work here is done.
30. Earth is full. Go home.
31. Is it time for your medication or mine?
32. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
33. I plead contemporary insanity.
34. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35. Iím not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
36. When I want your opinion, Iíll give it to you.
37. If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport!!!