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View Full Version : Opinions ..Do you find this weird or morbid



cueball1950
05-06-2006, 08:23 PM
I just wanted other people's opinions on this matter. As my wife's health is geting worse every day i have decided that i should consult with the funeral home of her choice for her arrangements. (the way she is going at present no body knows nothing for sure. only that she is getting worse) We have discussed it together and she wants me to do this now rather than wait until the last minute. now here is the problem. My step children, her children feel that i should wait until her death is alot more closer. my response was that if i waited until they want me to wait i would be to busy taking care of her to do it then. I feel i should do it now and not wait. i guess i am looking for some unbiased people to give me their impressions of what is right or wrong.....mike

heater451
05-06-2006, 08:52 PM
Have you tried having her tell them it's her decision too?

Personally, I would try to include them, even if it's a little strained. Then, it's really on them, if they want to make their mother uncomfortable about your relationship with them. IMO, you all should be trying create as many good memories, for the future, as possible.

Hopefully, you won't have any issues with her will, or any inheritance stuff.

Good luck w/ it all. . . .


==================================

cueball1950
05-06-2006, 09:11 PM
Thanks for your kind words heater. they were invited to discuss it with us when we started talking about it. That is how they came to their opinion that it is morbid to do before hand. We also tried to get them involved in maybe helping to pay a small part of this as things will be tight. With them or without them i will manage for sure.........mike

Gayle in MD
05-07-2006, 02:32 AM
Hi Mike,
I'm wondering how helpful they have been throughout? I know how devoted you have been. But generally speaking, there is nothing unusual about people, especially married couples, making such arrangments, between themselves, without discussing them with their children. A letter from your wife, or a video or audio tape, to her kids, regarding her wishes, both for her arrangments, and her hopes regarding their support for you, both emotional and financial, might be something to consider.

You're an angel Mike. I'll be thinking of you.

Love,
Gayle

sack316
05-07-2006, 03:40 AM
Hey Mike. First off I'd like to express my deepest sympathies for you even having to be in that situation in the first place. I know how rough it must be, and kudos to you for being so caring and helpful for your wife.

Second, to answer your question, I don't think that it is morbid at all. Unfortunate, uncomfortable, and difficult I'm sure applies, but morbid I would not say does. Since you and her have discussed it, and ESPECIALLY since she wants it handled this way, then you are doing exactly what you need to do.

You will be the one caring for her, and it's her life... so the two of you should have the ultimate say in the matter IMO. Don't be insensitive to the children's wishes obviously, but make sure they know that above all else it comes down to what the lady of the house wants... reguardless of what anyone else thinks.

Keep on being as caring and helpful as you obviously have been... and we'll all keep hoping for a mircale for you guys. Bless you Mike

Sack

CarolNYC
05-07-2006, 04:28 AM
[ QUOTE ]
) We have discussed it together and she wants me to do this now rather than wait until the last minute. <hr /></blockquote>
Mike,
There is no problem-you answered your own question and so has SHE! Do what SHE wants........my prayers are with you!
Carol

SnakebyteXX
05-07-2006, 05:43 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote cueball1950:</font><hr> I just wanted other people's opinions on this matter. As my wife's health is geting worse every day i have decided that i should consult with the funeral home of her choice for her arrangements. (the way she is going at present no body knows nothing for sure. only that she is getting worse) We have discussed it together and she wants me to do this now rather than wait until the last minute. now here is the problem. My step children, her children feel that i should wait until her death is alot more closer. my response was that if i waited until they want me to wait i would be to busy taking care of her to do it then. I feel i should do it now and not wait. i guess i am looking for some unbiased people to give me their impressions of what is right or wrong.....mike <hr /></blockquote>

This isn't about right or wrong - it's about you and your wife picking a path through to the end of her life that works best for you and your family. As far as your step-children are concerned, funeral homes conjure up images of death for most of us and death is something that most of us would prefer not to think of - in this case it's the reality of the pending death of their mother that they may prefer not to face.

Your decision to make the arrangements now indicates that you and your wife have accepted the inevitability that her time on this planet is nearing its end and it's time to make accommodations for the final disposition of her remains. There is NO fault here on anyone's part - neither right nor wrong - there is only what is.

Oddly enough, you may find that you will meet with more resistance at the funeral home when you attempt to make the arrangements prior to your wife's passing. Funeral homes often prefer 'motivated buyers' (read that: grief stricken - vulnerable - easy to sell on over-priced services that they don't really need and often can't afford.). We ran into this recently when my mother was on her deathbed and we sought to make arrangements prior to her death. The funeral home we first chose acted as if we were acting prematurely and encouraged us to 'wait until she's gone' before proceeding. We left feeling as if they were afraid that they wouldn't make as big a sale if we didn't wait. It left a very bad taste in our mouths and because of that we chose to take our very personal business elsewhere.

There are two times in life when people are extremely vulnerable to being taken to the cleaners by vultures preying on their needs - when they get married and when they die. The funeral industry is full of unsavory characters who pretend to be concerned for your needs when in fact their primary concern is for lining their own pockets. My advice to you here when it comes to the funeral home is to keep your eyes open going in - be clear about what you want and what you can reasonably afford - stick to your guns and if they can't satisfy your needs find a funeral home that can.

Been there done that -

Richard

Fran Crimi
05-07-2006, 05:44 AM
Very tough times, Mike. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Maybe you can compromise in a way that satisfies everyone. Her kids are probably struggling with the thought of losing their mother. Your wife absolutely comes first but you have to be sympathetic to them too.

How about getting in touch with a funeral home and getting a phone number to call for when the time happens? It only takes an hour to make the rest of the arrangements. Really, those can wait.

This way, the kids won't feel so badly about it and your wife will know that you've made contact with a funeral home and the procedure is in place for when the time comes.

You have to try to hold the family together, you know?

Fran

Fran Crimi
05-07-2006, 06:07 AM
[ QUOTE ]
We left feeling as if they were afraid that they wouldn't make as big a sale if we didn't wait. <hr /></blockquote>

I don't want to turn this into a big debate out of respect for Mike, but honestly, that's not necessarily true. It depends on the funeral home. Some places only have a couple of viewing rooms. What if they take your money and then don't have the space when the time comes? What if what you ordered is suddenly out of stock?

I've been through the process both before and after someone's death at the same funeral home and neither time did they try to pressure me, and the prices were nearly the same considering the difference of a couple of years.

Fran

SnakebyteXX
05-07-2006, 06:50 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Fran Crimi:</font><hr> &lt;/font&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&lt;font class="small"&gt;Quote:&lt;/font&gt;&lt;hr /&gt;
We left feeling as if they were afraid that they wouldn't make as big a sale if we didn't wait. <hr /></blockquote>

I don't want to turn this into a big debate out of respect for Mike, but honestly, that's not necessarily true. It depends on the funeral home.
Fran <hr /></blockquote>

Fran, I'm well aware that what I wrote is 'not necessarily true' that's why I chose to use the word 'may' as opposed to 'will' in my comment regarding possible resistance. "Oddly enough, you may find that you will meet with more resistance at the funeral home when you attempt to make the arrangements prior to your wife's passing." There are, of course, legitimate reasons (such as lack of adequate facilities or scheduling conflicts) for why you might encounter resistance.

OTOH there is ample evidence that some of those involved in the funeral industry are not to be trusted.

Here is just one example:

When Death Knocks, Bereaved Beware (http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/02/10/eveningnews/main599347.shtml)

More info:

Planning Can Foil Funeral Scams (http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/02/11/earlyshow/main599639.shtml)

dg-in-centralpa
05-07-2006, 10:12 AM
Mike,
My grandmother just passed away about 3 weeks ago. She had her funeral planned and paid for, for several years. She wanted no music, no one getting up to speak about her, just a quick service. This she did on her own and was what she wanted. Why not have your and your wife plan it out? This will be what she wants. Whether the kids like it or not, it's still her choice.

Duane - wishing you the best

CarolNYC
05-08-2006, 02:43 AM
[ QUOTE ]
just a quick service <hr /></blockquote>
You betcha!
When my Dad died,(navy chief&amp;Fdny)-he left a will,which my Mom didnt even know-he was smart-one day service,nothing extravagant-all the money was to go to the family-believe me,it was /ccboard/images/graemlins/wink.gif
When my grandfather on My moms side was dying (he had Cancer) he got all 15 kids together and told them what he wanted-everyone flew into Hawaii-and it was done-his wish,respect for him,love for him,no bickering-not even over the land-land on Maui is expensive,well,my family owns alot of land,15 kids-68 grandkids-no bickering-the land is taken care of by all-I don't wanna sound mean, but kids are to be loved and to obey their parents-Ohana-family (Father and mother I love you) FAMILY!
I wish you well,Mike!
Carol

CarolNYC
05-08-2006, 02:44 AM
Wow, how strong was that?
Good for you!
Carol /ccboard/images/graemlins/wink.gif

Drop1
05-08-2006, 06:40 PM
I think you should make the arrangements now. I'm sorry,but I worked for a period of time for one of the biggest Mortuary/memorial companies on the West coast,and it is about money and emotional vulnerbility.The hardest time is all the time. Do what you can now.