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nAz
05-09-2006, 09:27 AM
Top Ten Caddie/Golfer Give and Takes

#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now. "

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's a big
distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch ~ it's a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf ."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

wolfdancer
05-09-2006, 09:51 AM
nAz, I've read that before....and...it's still funny.
I bought these gadgets for a restaurant owner that used to have a golf tournament every year.
One was an iron head that attached to your shoe...a foot wedge, great for getting out of a bad lie, unnoticed by your opponents.
The other was a harness that fit over your head with a chain hanging down...and a hook on the end, which you placed into your groin area. The instructions read " after only a few swings, the golfer will realise the importance of keeping his/her head down"
I didn't get invited back to the next year's tournament....

Rich R.
05-09-2006, 10:22 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote wolfdancer:</font><hr> The other was a harness that fit over your head with a chain hanging down...and a hook on the end, which you placed into your groin area. The instructions read " after only a few swings, the golfer will realise the importance of keeping his/her head down"
<hr /></blockquote>
This could also be used by pool players, who tend to jump up when shooting. /ccboard/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

SpiderMan
05-09-2006, 11:26 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote wolfdancer:</font><hr> The other was a harness that fit over your head with a chain hanging down...and a hook on the end, which you placed into your groin area. The instructions read " after only a few swings, the golfer will realise the importance of keeping his/her head down"
I didn't get invited back to the next year's tournament.... <hr /></blockquote>

That one was actually a serious attempt at invention. I've seen them in sporting-goods stores, and not as a joke.

SpiderMan

wolfdancer
05-09-2006, 09:42 PM
It was a beautiful sunny day at the golf course. The gentleman took aim on
the ball and drove his first shot deep into a wooded area. He sighed and
proceeded to the area where the ball had gone into the woods.
As he was looking around for his ball, he heard a voice calling to him. He
whirled around and there stood a very ugly witch. She had his golf ball and
explained to him that it had hit her in the head. She was not very pleased
about this, but went on to explain that she had little contact with the
outside world and when she did have an encounter, she condidered it a special
occasion.
The witch said that she had magical powers and would grant the man one
wish. However, when the wish was granted, the man would notice a tremendous
decrease in his sexual desire and ability to perform. The man thought about
this for a few minutes and then stated that he would agree to those
conditions.
The witch asked what his wish was and the man simply stated, "I want my
golf game to improve." The witch rocked back on her heels and stared at the
man. After a few minutes she said, "Is that all?". He said," Yes, that's it".
The witch said," Are you telling me that is all you want, when you could have
anything in this world?" The man looked her in straight in the eyes and
said,"Yes".
Two years later, on another beautiful day, the man is at the same golf
course and drives a tee shot into the woods. The man starts shaking because
he had not hooked or sliced a shot since the day he had encountered the
witch. He went into the woods and there stood the witch. She looked at him
and said, "I made your shot go bad because I wanted to talk to you." The man
was visibly relieved when he heard this and asked what she wanted. The witch
wanted to know if he had any regrets about his wish. The man said, "Well,
things couldn't be better with my golf game. I've won every major tournament
on the amateur circuit and I'll soon be on the PGA tour. As far as my sex
life, I have only had six encounters in 2 years. "Hasn't that bothered you?,"
asked the witch. The man said, "No, I'm allright". The witch said," Well, I'm
glad it all worked out, although there is nothing you or I can do about it
now - the spell that was cast can never be changed".
With that, they parted company. On his way out to the fairway, the man
said to himself, "The PGA Tour and sex three times a year - not bad for a
small parish priest".

A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong
ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the
pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the
green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without
success. His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of
this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always
picked out one that had a cut or a nick.
Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came
to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent
prayer.
Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said,
"WAIT ... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL."
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact
that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him
finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down
again, "WAIT ... STEP BACK ... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."
So he stepped back and took a practice swing.
The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."
He did. Silence followed.
Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."