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wolfdancer
06-13-2006, 02:24 PM
Oh why do we make fun of zee French??? Because eet is so much fun!!

, Ooh la France !! France Le Arcellis

Thought you'd want to know....

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the U. S. State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U. S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview
**************** France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe, and is, for all intents and purposes, just useless. It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people will- fully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.

The People
********** France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are danger- ously over sexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier mutual recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave their armpits or their legs.

Safety
****** In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.

History
******* France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by just about every other country in the world.

Government
********** The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a run- off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, con- fusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal pre occupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture
******* The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a French family.)

Cuisine
******* Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. American travelers are there- fore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.

Economy
******* France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, mis- cellaneous armaments and cheese.

Conclusion
********** France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied land- scape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same.





"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
--Mark Twain
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"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--General George S. Patton
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"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf
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"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
--Marge Simpson
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"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
--Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
--Rush Limbaugh
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"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--Regis Philbin
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"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know."
--P.J. O'Rourke (1989)
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"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
--John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
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"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien
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"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either."
--Jay Leno
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"The last time the French asked for 'more proof ' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman
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"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada."
--Ted Nugent
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"War without France would be like ... World War II."
--Unknown
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"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'"
--Tom Brokaw
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"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
--Dennis Miller
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"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."
--Alan Kent
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"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
--Argus Hamilton
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"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"
--Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
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"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq."
--Dennis Miller
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"Raise your right hand if you like the French, ... raise both hands if you are French."
--Unknown
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Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
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"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried."
--Rep. R. Blount, MO
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"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."
--John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
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The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
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French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Deeman3
06-13-2006, 02:57 PM
That is sweet...and so true...
/ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif
Deeman

dg-in-centralpa
06-13-2006, 04:05 PM
The quotes are great! Unfortunately my sis-in-law wouldn't appreciate them. She lived in France for a couple years and is a big supporter of them. Why, I'll never know.

DG - she's also a hardcore Democrat as well

Drop1
06-13-2006, 08:22 PM
Now how can you not like a people that negotiated a sex break in a "union contract"? The men were totally against it,considering the body odor,hairy arm pits,and unshaved legs the women enjoy. You know they drink so much wine to kill the taste of the snails. The truth is when you really get to know the French,you have gained nothing /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif