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View Full Version : Ways To Avoid A Good Ol Southern A$$ Whuppin



Chopstick
07-07-2006, 05:06 AM
1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your a$$ kicked.

2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your a$$.

3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your a$$.

4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's a$$ whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an a$$ kicking.

5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your a$$.

6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment, if you keep reminding us of the fact we will kick your a$$.

7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your
a$$.

8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your a$$.

9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your a$$.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta or US Airways is ready when you are. Move your a$$ on home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your a$$.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your a$$ just like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your a$$.

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your a$$ shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box...minus your a$$.

pooltchr
07-07-2006, 06:23 AM
Don't tell us we should do things they way you did them "back home". If you want things done that way, take your a$$ back home before it get's kicked there.

DO NOT MAKE FUN OF NASCAR! We will just skip the A$$ whippin' and just strap you in a car with Tony Stewart or Dale Jr. It will scare the yankee right out of you!

Chopstick
07-07-2006, 02:38 PM
Yeah! Good ones. /ccboard/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

I just started a short vacation in Daytona beach. I am sitting on a 5th floor balcony right on the beach. Naturally it is raining like crazy. All my vacations start this way.

eg8r
07-08-2006, 07:06 PM
[ QUOTE ]
DO NOT MAKE FUN OF NASCAR! <hr /></blockquote> BORING!!!!! The only thing I hate about our annual trip to the beach is being stuck in a condo with one TV and a room full NASCAR fans. /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif This is a great time to catch up on a good ole Ludlum book. /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

eg8r

pooltchr
07-08-2006, 07:15 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote eg8r:</font><hr> &lt;/font&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&lt;font class="small"&gt;Quote:&lt;/font&gt;&lt;hr /&gt;
DO NOT MAKE FUN OF NASCAR! <hr /></blockquote> BORING!!!!! The only thing I hate about our annual trip to the beach is being stuck in a condo with one TV and a room full NASCAR fans. /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif This is a great time to catch up on a good ole Ludlum book. /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

eg8r <hr /></blockquote>

Real NASCAR fans don't watch it on tv...they are out in the stands dodging chicken bones!!!!!! /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif
Steve

Vagabond
07-09-2006, 07:27 PM
not to blow your nose in a public place let alone at a dining table.If u do we will kick your ass and send u back to the yankee land /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Eric.
07-11-2006, 07:54 AM
...is your ex-wife/sister still considered family? /ccboard/images/graemlins/wink.gif


Eric

Stretch
07-11-2006, 11:15 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Eric.:</font><hr> ...is your ex-wife/sister still considered family? /ccboard/images/graemlins/wink.gif


Eric <hr /></blockquote>

LOL i think that's still a grey area. St.