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wolfdancer
09-10-2006, 02:10 PM
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went
over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself
now."

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?"
He said "Because you came home early."

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-
of-the-Loom guys giggling.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.

dg-in-centralpa
09-10-2006, 04:23 PM
I was so ugly as a child, my mother fed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly, my mother put a piece of meat around my neck so the dog would play with me.

DG

Chopstick
09-11-2006, 09:53 AM
When I was a kid my parents used to move around a lot. I always found them though.

I asked my girlfriend why I never saw her have an orgasm. She it was because I was never around when she did.

Ya know why they finally canceled Sex in the City. Because those girls already had sex with everyone in the city and they didn't want to change the name to sex in the tri-state area.

I sure will miss Rodney Dangerdield. I knew a guy once who knew him. He said he really was like his character in the movies all the time.

wolfdancer
09-11-2006, 12:07 PM
My wife and I are watching "Who wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.



I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember. http://img378.imageshack.us/img378/5071/310ll6.gif

Stretch
09-12-2006, 09:56 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Chopstick:</font><hr> When I was a kid my parents used to move around a lot. I always found them though.

I asked my girlfriend why I never saw her have an orgasm. She it was because I was never around when she did.

Ya know why they finally canceled Sex in the City. Because those girls already had sex with everyone in the city and they didn't want to change the name to sex in the tri-state area.

I sure will miss Rodney Dangerdield. I knew a guy once who knew him. He said he really was like his character in the movies all the time.

<hr /></blockquote>

hey Chops. I heard one the other day, it still cracks me up cause the guy tellin it was a real joker right? He's always got a story for me, anyway went something like this....Little Johnny joke.

Little Johnny's in Sunday School with the other kiddies. In walks the teacher and she gets the ball rolling by quizzing the students with a question. What part of your body do you think is the first part to enter heaven? She asks. All the hands start waveing in the air. Suzie, the teacher says.

Suzie stands up and say's, i think it is your hands that get to heaven first. Why is that? says the teacher. Well i think that whenever you talk to god your hands are together in front of you, so i think you would be praying as you go to heaven. Awwwww Suzie what i great answer that was, is there anyone else? the Teacher say's looking up. There's Johnny just a waven both arms in the air. OK Johnny, your turn.

Little Johnny gets up and says I THINK IT'S YOUR FEET THAT GETS TO HEAVEN FIRST. Oh? why do you think that Johnny. CAUSE I COULDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT SO I WENT TO CRAWL IN WITH MOM AND DAD. THERE MUM WAS ON HER BACK LEGS STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR YELLING, OH GOD, OH GOD!! i'M COMEINGGGGGGGG!!!.........AND GOD WOULD HAVE GOT HER TOO IF DAD HADN'T OF PINNER HER DOWN!!.

St. /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

dg-in-centralpa
09-12-2006, 12:10 PM
I've heard this many times and I laugh everytime I hear it.

DG

DickLeonard
09-14-2006, 05:46 AM
Chopstick he must have been Minnesota Fats half brother.####

cushioncrawler
09-19-2006, 03:16 PM
"Mummy -- do birds have spare parts??"
"No, Tommy -- Why do u ask??"
"Koz, i heard daddy telling hiz friend that, when u went away last weekend, he screwed the arse off the bird next door".