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View Full Version : It's not just a job, it's an adventure....



wolfdancer
12-21-2006, 07:00 AM
Miss being in the Navy? Here's some tips to simulate Navy life, in your own home:
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.

4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc.)

5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.

6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.

7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.

9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.

10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.

11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table so you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.

13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.

14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.

15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.

16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a black water system's boo-boo.

17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.

18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.

22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.

26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.

27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.

29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job,_it's_an_adventure_!

30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on the ship picking up JP5 in the intake-if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.

31. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.

32. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.

33. Paint your house gray (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car gray, paint your driveway a different shade of gray.

34. Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.

S0Noma
12-21-2006, 07:38 AM
I was a Navy brat. My father spent twenty years in the Service. He was in uniform much of the time I was growing up while we moved from one Naval base to another. He passed away several years ago now but, I have to tell you, he would have LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF at your post because it couldn't be more true.

Thanks for the memories Jack -

FatsRedux
12-21-2006, 01:08 PM
Too funny, but true.

I remember the first time I went aboard a Navy ship. It was an old WWII era troop ship called the USS Francis Marion. My regiment (6th Marines) was to participate in an excersise which would take us out into the North Atlantic, and culminated in a mock amphibious assault on Onslow Beach at Camp Lejeune, NC.

We got hit by some rough weather. The next morning about oh..a good 75% of the Marines were green around the gills from sea sickness.

I was sent to work in the Officer's Mess helping the galley staff (all of whom were Philipinos)

The coolest part for me was at the end, when we disembarked via rope nets down to the waiting "Mike" boats. I'd seen it done on so many movies. Sh*t, at 18 it made me feel like John Freaking Wayne! /ccboard/images/graemlins/laugh.gif


Fats

pooltchr
12-21-2006, 01:41 PM
Number 11. My first shipboard assignment, we had racks stacked 4 high that hung from chains. I got the top rack. There was a steam vent running right above it. I had to get out of the rack to turn over because there wasn't enough room otherwise.
I'm still trying to figure out why I didn't put in 16 more years and retire at the age of 38. Thanks for reminding me!
Steve

cushioncrawler
12-21-2006, 03:25 PM
Woolfy -- i karnt help thinking about navy conditions on the lower decks in the old sailing days.

How about a long list of what the modern captain enjoys.

It all reminds me about that kids tv show called Captain Pugwash. The characters were -- Seaman Stanes -- Roger the cabin-boy -- and Master Bates.

CarolNYC
12-23-2006, 05:12 AM
My Dad was a Navy Chief and the only thing off this list I can remember is keeping the hair short#8-he looked real sharp in his uniforem ( I think ALL men do) -he was always studying and I remember him having to learn to speak Japanese-long time ago-but, this was funny-
Carol /ccboard/images/graemlins/wink.gif

Gayle in MD
12-24-2006, 10:07 AM
Carol,
I have a fabulous picture of my Dad, in his Navy Uniform. You're right! Those Navy Uniforms are slick! He was a knock out, anyway. All my girlfriends used to swoon over my Dad...I have a kind of alter, with a picture of him in his uniform, his ribbons and medals lay in front. That's right, you probably saw it when you were here.

Hey...Merry merry Christmas to you and Jimmy, and the girls! I hope you have a Healthy prosperous New Year! Give that grand baby a big hug for me!

Love,
Gayle

CarolNYC
12-27-2006, 06:47 AM
Hey Gayle,
Merry Xmas to you and your family,too /ccboard/images/graemlins/wink.gif
I remember the pictures of you&Jim boating on the end tables????-you in that sexy bathing suit /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif-Is your Dads on the fireplace mantle-Im trying to recall!

Anyways, I had a wonderful Xmas, my grandson is wonderful-my house is a warzone,ha ha ha-Thomas the train is driving me nutz-but, what the heck-oh......what we do for the love of our children,huh /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif
You have a WONDERFUL New Year and I hope to see ya soon!

Carol /ccboard/images/graemlins/wink.gif

Gayle in MD
12-27-2006, 01:06 PM
Same to you Carol. Dad's picture was in the dinning room, on the gold table with the marble top, under the mirror...you probably don't remember, I know your mind was on getting some rest, to shoot the next day. I think I brought it oout to show you how handsome he was.

Enjoy that grand baby! They grow up even faster than your kids did. Take loads of pictures!!!

Have a happy New Year...love to all... /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

gayle

eg8r
12-28-2006, 07:33 PM
[ QUOTE ]
what we do for the love of our children,huh <hr /></blockquote> How about having to go the circus with them (I really do not enjoy the smell of the circus one bit) or take them to see the Doodlebops. /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

eg8r

CarolNYC
12-29-2006, 07:24 AM
ROFL-I can relate,ED /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

I hate the smell of the circus ,too-

Doodlebops-how about The Wiggles-I know every song and dance-I dont think Ive ever been in such good shape since dancing with the friggin Wiggles,ha ha ha!

Carol~adores Ed! /ccboard/images/graemlins/wink.gif