View Full Version : Brief History of Man

01-13-2007, 11:09 AM
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the
coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
"the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement. Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note about Liberals: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group
therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes, and generally anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in
Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to the above and a guilt
feeling before simply laughing, denying, and forwarding it. A Conservative
will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be
forwarded immediately.


01-15-2007, 06:16 AM
It looks like u ate lot of nachos and were drunk on Heiniken. /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/cool.gif/ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

01-16-2007, 12:15 PM

The truth must sting....I didn't see a lot of counterargument to this. /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif


01-16-2007, 12:51 PM
Now I understand why Dale Ernhardt Jr is the most popular driver on the NASCAR circut. Conservatives love NASCAR, and Budweiser is his sponsor!!!!! /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

01-17-2007, 07:15 AM
LOL! I'll drink to that. I'll bring the booze.
What to bring? Are we having seafood or steak tartare?

01-17-2007, 07:30 AM
Very funny. /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif


01-17-2007, 07:32 AM
Not all Conservatives. /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif I just never understood what enjoyment came from watching a bunch guys drive around in a circle.

eg8r <~~~did enjoy watching Talladega Nights /ccboard/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

01-17-2007, 11:59 AM
Almost a year to the day.

http://www.billiardsdigest.com/ccboard/showthreaded.php?Cat=&Board=npr&Number=214817&Foru m=npr&Words=Conservative%20beer%20liberal&Match=An d&Searchpage=0&Limit=25&Old=allposts&Main=214817&S earch=true#Post214817


01-17-2007, 03:30 PM
Here's a story with a somewhat similar message:


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


Be responsible for yourself.


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are
cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled
with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green"

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We Shall Overcome."

Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Pro-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful

01-17-2007, 03:57 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote SpiderMan:</font><hr> Almost a year to the day.

http://www.billiardsdigest.com/ccboard/showthreaded.php?Cat=&amp;Board=npr&amp;Number=214817&amp;Foru m=npr&amp;Words=Conservative%20beer%20liberal&amp;Match=An d&amp;Searchpage=0&amp;Limit=25&amp;Old=allposts&amp;Main=214817&amp;S earch=true#Post214817

SpiderMan <hr /></blockquote>

Just goes to show. Those who don't remember what posts have been made in a forum are doomed to repeat them.

FWIW: I remembered that I had seen it here before and liked it just as much as I did the first time. So I guess I'm doomed to repeat thinking something is funny too - even though I've seen it before.

Congrats on your good memory and your efforts to first bring this gem to our attention.

01-18-2007, 10:13 AM
Sorry, I didn't remember that one. Next time I'll try to do better.

DG- didn't want to plagiarize