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FatsRedux
02-25-2007, 12:18 PM
Doug Giles: Iím not Homophobic; Iím Chick-O-Centric
Townhall.com (http://www.townhall.com/Columnists/DougGiles/2007/02/24/i%e2%80%99m_not_homophobic;_i%e2%80%99m_chick-o-centric) 02/24/07 -- Doug Giles

I think I speak for most heterosexual males when I say Iím not homophobic but chick-o-centric. Letís keep it positive, okay? Itís not that we dislike you, the gay guy; itís just that we really like girls. It seems no matter how long we compliantly spend in rehab undergoing the most stringent psychotherapy to rid ourselves of our knee-jerk to your mate choice, the simple fact is . . . heterosexual guys donít ďgetĒ gays. Period.

Heck, we donít understand women. What makes you think weíll ever understand a man who doesnít like women yet wants to be a woman? You just rifled right over our heads. In addition, not only are most men incapable of comprehending what a man sees in another man, we also donít care to try to because football is onóso can we all just shut the hell up with the gay stuff and watch the game?!?

Please, rehab freaks, youíre wasting your time on the heterosexual tribe trying to get us to be cool with that which is incomprehensible to us. Just like the homosexual, we are quite happy with our sexual bent and our own little world, so leave us alone, por favor.

Now, this doesnít mean that heterosexuals hate you, the homosexual. It simply means weíre focused on women; which, by command, causes our paths of camaraderie to part. No, this is not a phobia and it doesnít mean we loathe you. Itís simply the funk of nature. As a matter of fact, I have several friends that are gay. I kind of view them like dolphins; theyíre fun, entertaining and creative. I truly enjoy their presence. I just donít know what they get out of eating mullet. My homosexual acquaintances view me in a similar light.

In the spirit of continuing diplomatic relations with homosexuals, you the gay person, has got to help me out a little bit. If girls are so icky and men are so mondo-jovial, why do you and a lot of your reps take on feminine mannerisms and dress? I would think that if you are going to be gay you would at least be a man about it.

Itís the same thing with many lesbians. I donít get you. When I hear you speak, itís always ďmen suck, men are beasts, women rule,Ē yet some of you ďladiesĒ dress and act like men. You wear menís Dockers, menís Polos, youíve got a short, manís hair cut, youíre looking like Joe Pesci with breasts. Youíre an ugly version of us. Iím just thinking out loud here. Whatís-the-dillio? Please explain. It seems as if you would embrace femininity in all its glory like Carrot Top does red hair coloring. Where am I going wrong?

Now, let me help you, the gay constituency, to understand us girl lovers a tad. Most Chick-O-Centric males would not raise an unwaxed eye brow at a homosexual man if he would not shove his gayness in our faces. Itís the flamers that freak out most heterosexuals. Case in point: Bobby Trendy and Jay Alexander. They seem like nice guys, but the pink hair, lip gloss, heavy eye liner, constant limp wrist and lisp is overkill. Why not, instead of emulating a TBN host, you follow Rob Halfordís lead? That would make it much easier for us to have a beer with you. Címon . . . work with us, weíre trying to get along.

Here are 10 more things you should know about most typical heterosexual males:

1. Just because we like art and fine furniture, wash our cars, regularly bathe and brush our teeth, and like nice clothes doesnít mean weíre latent. What it means is that your team doesnít have a monopoly on taste or decorum.

2. No, we donít want highlights in our hair or a manicure/pedicure.

3. We think Vespas are for beautiful girls to ride. Not guys. Harleyís, custom West Coast Choppers, Triumphs, Indians or Von Dutchs = a dudeís bike.

4. We donít like dogs that have ďtoyĒ as a prefix to their name.

5. A hunted wild animalís gut pile is a glorious and beautiful thing. Long live the hunt and the hunter.

6. Keep your lip gloss; weíll use our Carmex.

7. We like boots not flip flops.

8. Normal men do not like Celine Dion. If you see us crying during one of her shows, itís not because she struck a nerve with a ballad; but rather we are lamenting our manhood slowly draining away from us as we sit here, for the eight time, and listen to this chick whine.

9. When we look at a pretty girl, we think ďwowĒ and say, ďhowdy.Ē To us, the lovely lady lumps trump a manís hairy back any day. Call us crazy.

10. We donít think Adam and Steve is an improvement or alternative to Adam and Eve. But thatís just us.

The above 411 doesnít mean we be hatiní.

Now, lastly, for those of you heterosexuals that are in competitive sports and donít like to shower with gays, thatís cool. Itís your right to scrub your butt with whomever you choose. You gay guys should understand our reluctance and not make a big deal over it. I confess, Iím uncomfortable with showering with a homosexual, unless of course it was Portia de Rossi, and I wasnít married.

To remedy this situation, I propose the following: how about two shower facilities: one for the heterosexuals demarked by a gigantic poster of Beyonceís Sportís Illustrated Swimsuit cover and one for the homosexuals with a big honking 48 x 60Ē framed print of Ryan Seacrest wearing a chartreuse colored Speedo. There now Ö is everybody happy?--END

Fats

cushioncrawler
02-25-2007, 11:40 PM
My mate allwayz used to say that hiz dad had a saying....
....." with my luck, if i kissed a guy, i would like it"....
madMac.

FatsRedux
02-26-2007, 03:40 AM
True story..

There's this gay friend of mine and both he and his boyfriend really like pool. Well anyway, about a year and a half ago, I was teaching and coaching this friend.

Try as I could, I could not get him into a proper stance. He would always take a stance that was totally effeminate.

One day after he'd lost a game (again) he said to me "I don't know what I'm doing wrong!".

Look I'm sorry, but I was exasperated. I turned to him and said "Friend you are never going to improve unless you stop getting into your stance like a f*ckin homo".

Oh man, was he upset by that! But you know what? He got over it, adjusted his stance and his game has gone up to a respectable level.

We're still friends. Sometimes you just have to speak your mind.

Fats

cushioncrawler
02-26-2007, 01:15 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote FatsRedux:</font><hr> True story.. There's this gay friend of mine and both he and his boyfriend really like pool. Well anyway, about a year and a half ago, I was teaching and coaching this friend. Try as I could, I could not get him into a proper stance. He would always take a stance that was totally effeminate. One day after he'd lost a game (again) he said to me "I don't know what I'm doing wrong!". Look I'm sorry, but I was exasperated. I turned to him and said "Friend you are never going to improve unless you stop getting into your stance like a f*ckin homo". Oh man, was he upset by that! But you know what? He got over it, adjusted his stance and his game has gone up to a respectable level. We're still friends. Sometimes you just have to speak your mind. Fats <hr /></blockquote>I think that there is a nice opening here for somebody. My missuz would point out that some gayz wear a "stopper" up their bum. Obviously, its hard to play pool if u are worryd about dropping your stopper. Brunswick could dezign a specially shaped stopper, just for eezyr gay pool. And, they could go one step further, and dezign a phenolic-rezin stopper, just for the break. Billiardz Digest would havta make a new Gay-Forum page, for all of the banter. And, i might even drop in myself, with my ideaz re the physics. Funny Posting -- "How my stopper potted the 9ball 3 tables away", etc etc. madMac.