View Full Version : Quotes

07-18-2007, 05:27 PM
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw
that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a
good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become
happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and
then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness But it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's
time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish
do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work
its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . As you grow older, it
will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old
to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out

And finally:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
Makes you wonder what Mrs. Bush thinks about her rat pack...

07-18-2007, 07:37 PM
A couple additions;

I was so poor that if I weren't a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm so flat chested that when I walk through Central Park, I'd wear a sign that says,"In case of rape, this side up."

Phyllis Diller


07-18-2007, 07:51 PM
I love these quotes. People who read KT's books should be aware of this one (although KT does not claim to have any misprints)... [ QUOTE ]
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a
-- Mark Twain <hr /></blockquote>


07-18-2007, 08:36 PM
Al Bundy(and George Bush SR, including most of Americans today about the chimp) after Bud Bundy said one of his dufus statements, "ONLY for lack of one condom!" sid

07-18-2007, 11:28 PM

Gayle in MD
07-19-2007, 11:10 PM
I wonder why some people can't, or won't, absorb the perfect comparison. /ccboard/images/graemlins/confused.gif

Gayle in Md.

07-20-2007, 07:42 AM
Gayle I had told DebraStarr to read What the Hell is matter with Kansas. That quote was in the Book among other fascinating things. She told me she got the book but she disappeared. I guess the facts in there opened her eyes.####

07-20-2007, 11:34 AM
Maybe W outed her for reading the book and she is waiting for her chance to lose in court like Plame. /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif