View Full Version : Weekend jokes

09-14-2007, 09:14 PM
Two guys, Mel & Earl, are quietly sitting in a boat at the local lake, fishing and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,

"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Lewinsky and Kaczynski

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the
Style Invitational.

The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern)
and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed
verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:

Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house, the phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Walter's Problem Page

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he say s he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.

I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Uisk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.


09-15-2007, 02:08 PM
Italian Wedding Night

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was
still a virgin. On their wedding night they stayed at her mother's house,
and Maria was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, uppa she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, uppa she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs
and he'll take good care of you."

So, uppa she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and
on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

Her mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."