View Full Version : A Woman's Week At The Gym

10-13-2007, 04:55 PM
Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear), purchased a week
Of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
Cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
Named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
Instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
Was well worth it. When I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond
hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda
Gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
The skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after
my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
Already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
The air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding
Smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth-
Brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving
Was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on
Top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Now Belinda was starting to become impatient with me,
Insisting that my screams were bothering other club
Members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
Morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
Whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got
On the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told
Me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
Some other s*** too.


Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me
that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she
was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent
Another skinny b**** to find me. Then, as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


I hate that b**** Belinda, more than any human being has
ever hated any other human being in the history of the
world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move ithout
Unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't
it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or
The choir director?


Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show
up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the weather channel.


I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so
I can go and Thank GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that next year my daughter (the little s***) will choose
a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!