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wolfdancer
10-13-2007, 04:55 PM
Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear), purchased a week
Of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
Cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
Named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
Instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
Was well worth it. When I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond
hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda
Gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
The skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after
my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
Already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
The air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding
Smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth-
Brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving
Was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on
Top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Now Belinda was starting to become impatient with me,
Insisting that my screams were bothering other club
Members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
Morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
Whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got
On the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told
Me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
Some other s*** too.

THURSDAY :

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me
that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she
was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent
Another skinny b**** to find me. Then, as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :

I hate that b**** Belinda, more than any human being has
ever hated any other human being in the history of the
world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move ithout
Unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't
it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or
The choir director?

SATURDAY :

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show
up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the weather channel.

SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so
I can go and Thank GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that next year my daughter (the little s***) will choose
a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!