View Full Version : Sturch.

03-09-2012, 04:13 AM
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Santorum Proposes Replacing Church, State with New Entity Called ‘Sturch’
Would Offer Salvation, Motor Vehicle Renewals on Sunday

LANSING (The Borowitz Report) – Telling a crowd of supporters that the separation of church and state “makes me want to throw up,” GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum today proposed replacing church and state with a new entity he called “sturch.”

“Merging church and state into sturch will benefit all Americans,” he said. “Except maybe Jews.”

Mr. Santorum said that the combined entity would offer greater convenience to the American people than the separation of church and state currently does, since Americans would be able to get salvation and motor vehicle renewals at the same place every Sunday.

Turning to another campaign theme, Mr. Santorum told the crowd, “I support the rights of the unborn child until it is born and wants an education."

He contrasted himself with President Obama on the education issue, stating, “Barack Obama speaks in complete sentences. What a snob.”

In other campaign news, singer Kid Rock endorsed Mitt Romney, which means that his music is no longer the worst thing about Kid Rock.

An upbeat Mr. Romney visited the Daytona 500, where he told a reporter, “I love this stuff. I’ve always been a big NASDAQ fan.”



03-09-2012, 04:20 AM
No matter how low the bar is set ... you always slither beneath it.

03-09-2012, 04:57 AM
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><span style='font-size: 14pt'>Overjoyed Romney Celebrates Voters Hating Him Marginally Less Than Santorum
Mitt: ‘Voters Want the Lesser of Two Evils, and I am Lesser’</span>

BOSTON (The Borowitz Report) – Moments after squeaking out a razor-thin victory in Super Tuesday's crucial Ohio primary, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney was in an exuberant mood, telling supporters in Boston, “I stand before you tonight as the man people hate slightly less than Rick Santorum.”

Mr. Romney said that he hoped to take the momentum of being marginally less despised than Mr. Santorum all the way to the Republican convention in Tampa.

“The voters of Ohio have said that they want the lesser of two evils,” he told the crowd, “and I am lesser.”

But in the Santorum camp, the former Pennsylvania senator showed no signs that he is ready to get out of the race: “In states like Oklahoma and Tennessee, voters spoke loudly and clearly that they can’t stand Mitt more than they detest me. That’s what I call a recipe for success.”

Meanwhile, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich vowed to stay in the race, noting that voters in his home state of Georgia hated both Messrs. Romney and Santorum more than they loathed him.

“This race isn’t about winning or losing,” he said. “This is about me standing in front of a microphone and listening to the sound of my own voice for as long as possible.”

And former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin hinted that she might have a role to play if the GOP contest becomes deadlocked: “Remember, it was my historic lowering of the bar that made this Republican race possible.”


03-09-2012, 08:05 AM
I find myself turning toward Santorum just to spite the Left's hatred of his values system, anchored in religion, and his belief that we need to get back to those values if we are to become a great country again. On this point I strongly agree with Santorum but have been reluctant to support him because I am not confident that he wants to downsize the federal government sufficiently. Like cancer, government beyond its constitutional limits, must be completely cut out.

Having strong values and maximum freedom really go hand in hand and the biggest threat to freedom always comes from government that has too much power. Small government requires self-sufficient citizens and, in turn, self-sufficiency requires a strong moral system to maintain our civility.