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rackmup
11-06-2002, 09:02 AM
A guy walks into a pool hall and asks for a tray of balls and a table. He throws the balls onto the table and starts firing in shots and in between every third or fourth ball, he starts dialing numbers....like a telephone....on his hand, then talking into his hand. The pool room manager walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood, an even tougher pool room and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, 'You don't understand. I'm very high-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.'

The manager says 'Prove it.' The guy dials a number and hands his hand to the disbeliever. The manager talks into the guy's hand and carries on a conversation.

'That's incredible', he says....'I would never have believed it!' 'Yeah', said the guy, 'I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?' The manager directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the manager goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt. 'Oh my God!' cries the manager. 'Did they rob you? Are you hurt?'

The guy turns to him and says: 'No, I'm fine........I'm just waiting for a fax.

/ccboard/images/icons/smile.gif,

Ken

Chris Cass
11-06-2002, 09:20 AM
HAHAHAHAHHAHA

That's sick.

Regards,

C.C.

rackmup
11-06-2002, 09:30 AM
This guy walks into the roughest poolhall in Alabama and orders a glass of "chilled white wine."
Everybody sitting around the room looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya a road player?... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Texas."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Texas?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar...

"It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

/ccboard/images/icons/wink.gif,

Ken

rackmup
11-06-2002, 09:44 AM
What's the difference between a typical zoo and a Texas Redneck zoo?

On the cage in a typical zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin.

A Texas Redneck zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

/ccboard/images/icons/smile.gif,

Ken

Chris Cass
11-06-2002, 09:56 AM
HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHA

C.C.~~spent time in Alabama. Redstone Arsenal, great retirement area, all the sheep taken.

Kato
11-06-2002, 09:59 AM
What are the 3 biggest lies in Texas?

See this here belt buckle? I won that

See that there truck in the parking lot? It's paid for

and the biggest lie of all in Texas?

Honest officer, I was just helping this sheep over the fence.

Kato~~~sorry.

Cueless Joey
11-06-2002, 10:07 AM
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a dozen sheep in his arms?
A pimp.

rackmup
11-06-2002, 10:10 AM
A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Les, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Les, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Les was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Les showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Les announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Les...

..."You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

Regards,

Ken

rackmup
11-06-2002, 10:26 AM
Emily Sue passed away after a long illness in her Alabama home. Her husband, Bubba called 911. "This is Bubba over in Montgomery. My wife is dead and I need someone to pick 'er up."
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away but she would need more detailed information regarding his address. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag 'er over to Oak Street, and you pick 'er up there?"

Chris Cass
11-06-2002, 10:26 AM
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAAHHAA

Les is going to kill you. LMAO bigtime........

Regards,

C.C.

SPetty
11-06-2002, 11:59 AM
Red Neck Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother"

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...

You cain't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother"

But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

11-06-2002, 12:21 PM
Three longhaired bikers are going down a country road when one of them has bike trouble. Pulling over to the shoulder of the road they notice a pig stuck head first in a fence, wiggling and squealing to get unstuck. Looking over at the pig the first biker comments "Wish that was Anna Nicole stuck in the fence like that". The second biker looks over and says "I wish that was Dolly Parton wiggling her butt like that". The third biker takes a look around and says "I wished it were dark".

nAz
11-06-2002, 12:39 PM
Why do scotish man wear kelts?

Cause sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

eg8r
11-06-2002, 12:44 PM
Chris what did you do at Redstone Arsenal. When I was working in Orlando at LM I was on the phone to Redstone quite regularly (speaking to "the" customer).

eg8r

eg8r
11-06-2002, 12:50 PM
Yes, he should not mention friends names in his jokes.

But I don't think that would do any good because sometimes his promises do not mean anything (like posting MrsEg8r picture after promising you would not). LOL

eg8r <~~~After all these jokes about Texans I am not sure I wanna stay

cheesemouse
11-06-2002, 01:06 PM
The city boy goes to visit his country cousin and while in the barn to milk the cows the country boy grabs a stool and gets up behind a cow and says to the city boy "Here's how we have sex in the country"...there, now it's your turn. The city boy does as he is told but afterwards says "That wasn't such a big deal" The country boy replies " Taint no wonder, you picked the ugliest critter in the bunch".....

rackmup
11-06-2002, 01:14 PM
Ed,

I realize I told you I wouldn't post her pic but after consulting with experts in the fashion/modeling industry, it was felt that a woman of such beauty and charm, shouldn't be hidden from the masses.

I think this is her big opportunity to land a lucrative contract with a recognized agency and move on with improving her life. One can only be happy for so long when her life consists of watching taped episodes of "Trading Spaces" and being dumped at the mall while her pool-oholic husband squanders his time and their money in seedy poolhalls.

I'm sorry this had to come out but it is for the best. /ccboard/images/icons/smile.gif

Regards,

Ken

11-06-2002, 01:56 PM
eg8r,
What a small world. I lived in Huntsville in the late 80's and early 90's. I learned to shoot pool at Jonny Tona's Rocket City Billiards.
I also worked at LM in Orlando.

eg8r
11-06-2002, 03:34 PM
Ken, if there is anyone looking out for me it has to be you. By the way, she wanted to know what you meant by "tasty". ROFL

eg8r

Chris Cass
11-06-2002, 05:32 PM
I was going through A.I.T. school. Went for a yr. I was in the service and didn't want to leave there either. It was so laid back and great whether too. My first sargeant told me it was the high tech. retirement place to be. I loved it there and still think about the place.

Oh, almost forgot, I was a repair technician for the new MLRS.

Regards,

C.C.~~Georgia was nice too.

rackmup
11-06-2002, 07:40 PM
I always watch out for my buddies.

As for the "tasty" comment...it's like when you eat a big slab of double dutch chocolate cake with thick frosting slathered all over it. You know how right up to the last bite, your fork and the plate still has all of that thick chocolate frosting stuck to it? You can't just leave it there! You have to lick it off with every ounce of strength your tongue can muster...mmm...TASTY.

That's sort of like what I meant.

Regards,

Ken (no, I haven't licked chocolate off eg8r's wife!)

OnePocketChamp
11-06-2002, 08:30 PM
I don't mind you telling this story about me but it really doesn't paint me in a very good light. YOU KNOW DAMN WELL IT ONLY COST ME $300.

11-06-2002, 11:31 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote: rackmup:</font><hr> A guy walks into a pool hall and asks for a tray of balls and a table. He throws the balls onto the table and starts firing in shots and in between every third or fourth ball, he starts dialing numbers....like a telephone....on his hand, then talking into his hand. The pool room manager walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood, an even tougher pool room and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, 'You don't understand. I'm very high-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.'

The manager says 'Prove it.' The guy dials a number and hands his hand to the disbeliever. The manager talks into the guy's hand and carries on a conversation.

'That's incredible', he says....'I would never have believed it!' 'Yeah', said the guy, 'I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?' The manager directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the manager goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt. 'Oh my God!' cries the manager. 'Did they rob you? Are you hurt?'

The guy turns to him and says: 'No, I'm fine........I'm just waiting for a fax.

/ccboard/images/icons/smile.gif,

Ken <hr></blockquote>

Why do they have a hard time solving crimes in Alabama?

The DNA's all the same, and there aren't any dental records.

eg8r
11-07-2002, 07:13 AM
Pretty interesting. I work for Lockheed and at the time I was working on the Hellfire/Longbow missiles in Quality doing SPC analysis.

eg8r

Vagabond
11-07-2002, 07:52 PM
Howdy kato and Rackemup,
It is not fair.U know that I am a red neck.We red necks are very honorable people.we do not have sex with animals and that is against the law.please do not trash us any more.Thank u kindly
Vagabond

rackmup
11-08-2002, 05:31 PM
Texas (Tech) Psychiatry 101

A group of undergrad psychiatrists (at Texas Tech University, of course) were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," the professor said to a student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to a young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied...

"Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."

Vagabond
11-08-2002, 07:17 PM
Cheers
Vagabond

TomBrooklyn
11-08-2002, 08:20 PM
A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker are sitting in a restaurant in London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but the steak on the menu is not available, as there's a shortage."
The Texan asks, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian asks, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker asks, "What the hell does excuse me mean?"

Ralph S.
11-09-2002, 07:42 AM
I have said it several times and will say it again, Ken you need to be in stand up....lol.
Ralph S.

rackmup
11-09-2002, 11:12 AM
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."

Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"

Well ma'am, "How about a suit?"

"Yes sir, what size?"

"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes ma'am, they really grow 'em big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes."

"What size?"

"Size 15 ... double D."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am, as I said, they really grow 'em big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes sir, what size?"

"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am, I told ya', they really grow us big in Texas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

She tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. Then, in a rather shy voice she asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?", glancing to the crotch area of his tight Wrangler jeans...

The Cowboy interrupted her, stating "Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."

She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied,

"ACROSS ma'am?"

/ccboard/images/icons/smile.gif,

Ken

Troy
11-09-2002, 01:28 PM
Sounds a lot like Texan exaggeration to me Ken..... /ccboard/images/icons/smile.gif

<blockquote><font class="small">Quote: rackmup:</font><hr> A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."

Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"

Well ma'am, "How about a suit?"

"Yes sir, what size?"

"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes ma'am, they really grow 'em big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes."

"What size?"

"Size 15 ... double D."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am, as I said, they really grow 'em big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes sir, what size?"

"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am, I told ya', they really grow us big in Texas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

She tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. Then, in a rather shy voice she asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?", glancing to the crotch area of his tight Wrangler jeans...

The Cowboy interrupted her, stating "Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."

She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied,

"ACROSS ma'am?"

/ccboard/images/icons/smile.gif,

Ken
<hr></blockquote>

rackmup
11-10-2002, 01:26 AM
Yeah...probably. I wouldn't know...I'm an Arizonan. We don't lie or exaggerate about anything. Well, okay...when we tell you 120 degrees in the summer is comfortable because it's a dry heat, we are really lying about that. It's hot and we know it.

Regards,

Ken

Vagabond
11-10-2002, 10:21 AM
I agree 100% with that suggestion. cheers
Vagabond