View Full Version : SURVIVOR FANS

02-27-2003, 10:11 PM
Did anyone watch tonights episode of survivor?
I'm an avid fan of the show, haven't missed an episode since it started. The girls are kicking the guys a$$ all over the place and the guys look like they would need assistance simply tieing their shoelaces. What are your thoughts on the show so far? What do you think of the battle of the sexes idea?

Rich R.
02-28-2003, 07:35 AM
Although the women can't seem to build a good shelter, they are winning the challenges. I think the guys are too busy tripping over their ####s.

02-28-2003, 10:09 AM
Rich, I don't watch the show but that was really funny.


02-28-2003, 12:36 PM
I dont watch it either but thought Rich was funny too.


02-28-2003, 09:52 PM
The guys also seem to be thinking using the wrong head (you know what I mean /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif), their totally obsessed with getting with the girls and it's clearly distracting them. Hopefully they will get their ***t together and get on track.

03-14-2003, 06:26 PM
"Boob Wars Episode 5: The Phantom Dumbass"
"Don't Hate Me Cuz I Cant Spel"
"Bad Jeanne Splitting"
"The Jean Jeane Jeanne Gene-ie"
"That Pesky Mosqtitto"

You know, I always had Jenna picked out as the meanest of the Cute Boob
Alliance. But this week she proved herself to being the stupidest member of
that group. I thought she had said she watches "Survivor". If true, Jenna,
why did you divulge all your tribal secrets to "Chick" Magnet Dave? Last
week I asked Heidi if she could possibly be any blonder. This week I'm
asking you. And you've already answered. So, as reward, I'm crowning you
Queen Dumbass. All hail Queen Dumbass Jenna!

Day 13. Jaburu. All is quiet. Deena is fully in charge now, having rid her
tribe of its strongest, most productive member. She surveys the landscape,
stokes the breakfast fire, and proclaims all is right with The World.

Deena: "I am alpha female top dog, right at this point in time."

Yeah, it's good to be the, umm, king, isn't it? Just hope it lasts. Jeanne,
on the other hand, just lost her alliance partner and can't understand why
the CBAs didn't vote out whiny, ailing Shawna. Well, ya know, Jeanne, maybe
Deena got it right when she said all Shawna needed was to "re-hydrate"
herself. And I asked last week if Shawna was faking her illness, since she
seemed to be fine at Tribal Council. So maybe she's not quite the liability
you think she is. That is, if you can stand her dramatics for the next 26

Deena: "Shawna's problem is 70 percent mental." Deena's an expert on 70
percent mentalities.

Over in Camp Penis, Home of the Magic Balls, Butch and Alex chew up time by
weeding the back forty. Dumbass Unibrow Alex smacks himself in the head with
a tree, and Principal Butch sends him to the school nurse for owie relief.
School Nurse Rob asks Alex if he hit himself in the head with his machete.
Seriously. Then he offers Alex the perfect remedy for any Amazon injury: an
ice cold Coke! Hey, I sense a new marketing campaign. "Coke. In the red can.
Remember, the red means it stops the bleeding." So the guys make a bandage
for Alex, and then compliment themselves on their handiwork. Alex hopes his
bandaged owie will help him score with the ladies. "Chicks dig scars, so
maybe that will all work out for the best." Awww geez, Alex. You're giving
away all our guy secrets!

Just call him Scarface Alex. And no, we don't want to say hello to your
little friend.

Jeanne digs her own grave by calling out Deena on an overheard conversation
from the night before. Deena quickly pulls a legal cya and says she was
talking to and about Christy. You know, the deaf one who can't read lips in
the dark. And let me repeat this: the conversation was from the night
before. Christy smiles and nods her head. Jeanne then demands everyone else
go off and work somewhere else so she can tend the fire. Heidi sits
silently, trying to figure out how she's supposed to spell Jeanne's name at
Tribal Council.

Reward Challenge: well, not really a challenge, unless keeping yourself from
smacking Jenna counts. Rob reads the tree mail, which calls on each tribe to
send its youngest member only. Now I admit that when I heard "youngest", my
first thought was, do they mean chronologically? Or is it up for
interpretation? "Youngest" can also mean "least experienced" or "most
immature" or "most youthful". I can think of several dumbasses in both
tribes that fit those descriptions. The point is, Whining Rob, if you realy
wanted to go you should have made your case instead of complaining to the
camera. So the guys send Golden Boy Dave off for some "wine and laughter",
while the women opt to send Jenna. Jeanne tries to argue that "youngest"
could mean "youngest at heart" (yay, Jeanne!), but it's difficult to get
anyone's attention when she's bound and gagged in an electric chair with
Jenna and Heidi fighting over who gets to throw the switch. And, just for
the record, Heidi, you are now officially older and uglier than Jenna, which
means you must have more body fat than her and are therefore consumed by
jealousy. Now go practice your spelling.

Deena, to Jeanne: "What do you think? That we age differently, like cheese?"
Hmmm, maybe I should rename Jaburu Camp Limburger?

Jenna: "Youngest means youngest. Come on, now. I'm the youngest. Give it a
break. I'm going somewhere and you're not." The youngest in oh so many ways,

So Jenna and Dave arrive at Temptation Bungalow. Jeff Probst acknowledges
that both players were chosen based on their age, but he doesn't say
anything about that being a requirement.

Jenna, on their food-laden bungalow: "I was like, you've gotta
be....crappin' me. It was like sensory overload." You know, to Jenna, I'll
bet "Spongebob Squarepants" is like sensory overload. Then she reveals an
extraordinarily ugly tattoo on her foot. Yup, overload.

Jenna then cements her name in the annals of Survivor Dumbassedness by
blabbing everything she could think of regarding her tribe to Dave. Dave, to
his credit, manages to keep his eyes from wandering over her "sexy ass" and
breasts long enough to pick up a few tidbits. Heidi's her upbeat pal,
Shawna's falling apart, who's in the CBA, they're voting out Angry Jeanne
next. Dave smiles and nods. Dave knows how to play. He even offers up his
own take on the men, although he only reveals biographical data. He tells
Jenna that triathlon coach Alex is 33. "Wow", says Jenna. Wow? Later, he
reveals Rob's fascination with Heidi's floatation cushions, and his own with
Jenna's "sexy ass". Awwww, Dave, you just handed her your leash. Jenna bats
her eyelashes and scratches her sexy ass. Dave then takes a shower. Jenna
stands and watches. Dave thinks she's checking him out. Jenna wonders at
what point in the game she'll use her sexy ass to set Dave up for a booting.
Then it's Jenna's turn to shower.

Jenna: "Hey, you're going to able to like, see my boobs! Uhh huhh huhhh." Oh
pardon us, Miss Modesty. Besides, you know he's not checking out your boobs.
Dave's an ass man.

Dave: "This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me." Apparently
Dave didn't have fun in high school. Or college.

Jenna: "It couldn't have been a better reward challenge, because we didn't
have to do anything except be born in the right year." Yeah, well, Jenna, if
you've been paying attention, dear, you'll know that nothing on this show
comes without a price. And oh look! Here comes Jeff with a large bowl. I
wonder what's in it?

Dave, on sleeping with Jenna: "She didn't kick. She didn't bite. She
didn't.......snore." Awww, don't sound so disappointed.

Jenna, to Jeff: "We told it all. We didn't hold back anything. We pretty
much know everything about each other's tribe now." Yup, Queen Dumbass. Dave
nods and smiles.

Ok, so Jenna and Dave have to pick new, alternating-sex tribes. And Jeff
says that, because they start by picking a member of the opposite sex, it
really doesn't matter who picks first. Oh like hell it doesn't. Especially
when Queen Dumbass just spilled the beans about all her tribal secrets. So,
in an offer of Dumbassidly royal magnanimity, Queen Jenna lets Dave pick
first. (Actually, she probably lets him go first because she's afraid she'll
screw it up and needs to be shown how to pick a name.)

Dave picks Heidi. Oops! There goes the CBA, at least for now.

Jenna picks Alex, "for his athletic ability." Wow.

Dave picks Principal Butch. Dave thinks his strongest alliance is with the
older guys. I wonder if they consider Dave an "older" guy?

Jenna picks Deena, the sole remaining non-whining, non-deaf member of the
CBA. So much for loyalty.

Dave picks Christy. She's not whiny, not angry, and I bet the one secret
Jenna kept from him was her disability. Not that it should matter.

Jenna picks Rob. Rob will later vent his anger (to us) at Dave for not
looking out for his "best interests". Does Rob mean he's angry because Dave
didn't pick him first? To keep the younger, stronger guys together? Or that
Dave didn't pick him to be in Heidi's tribe? Cheer up, Rob. You still have
Jenna. But no more Coke.

Dave picks Roger the White Racist Fascist Ageist Homophobe. How much you
wanna bet Roger's the first one to fall for Heidi?

Jenna picks Shawna. Awwww, she's finally being true to her original core
alliance. What a sweetie.

Dave gets stuck with Angry Jeanne.

Jenna gets stuck with outcast Matthew. I think she may have lucked into a
great pick here. We'll see.

So, to recap:

Jaburu Tribe: Queen Dumbass Jenna, Scarface Alex, Alpha Female Top Dog
Deena, Magic Balls Rob, Whining Shawna, Outcast Matthew.

Tambaqui Tribe: Rocket Scientist Dave, Cute Boob Heidi, Principal Butch,
I've-Got-A-Secret Christy, Roger Hitler, Angry Jeanne.

So, really, we're back to Old Style "Survivor" gameplay. Or, we would be, if
Jenna hadn't spilled Jaburu's guts to Dave. And, after this week, there's
only eleven players left. Will there be a merge after next week? If so, what
was the point of this realignment? Or will they wait three weeks, and merge
with only eight players? That would be more interesting, I think.

Rob: "I was very mad when I found out my fate would be determined by Dave. I
don't think he has my best interests at heart." Well no [censored], Sherlock. As
if Dave came all this way just to hand you a check. But hey, if you really
want someone to be mad at, don't look at Dave. Blame your parents.

Heidi, on leaving Jaburu: "I was kind of, like, oh, mannnnnnnn. That really
stinks." Remember, she's a school teacher, molding and shaping the Future of

Jeanne, of course, is elated to be leaving that vipers' nest. In fact, she's
in such a hurry to leave it looks like she left some clothes behind. Or
maybe she just really really wanted an ice cold Coke. On the trek to
Tambaqui, Heidi strategizes over what the women must do to stay together.
Christy, walking in front of her, can't read a thing she's saying. Oops!

Christy tells her new tribe that she's deaf. And, oh, just look at Dave's
face. He. Didn't. Know. But, luckily for Christy, and as I foretold weeks
ago, she now in a camp with men and they will do anything, and I mean
ANYTHING, to accomodate her. I'm sure all three guys spent about two seconds
realizing that, not only was she disabled, but she's been out there just
like them, without getting voted off, and was part of a tribe that spent the
better part of two weeks kicking their asses. So she's probably a pretty
damn good player to keep around. So, the guys are happy, cuz, you know,
women in camp. Jeanne's thrilled to get away from the CBA. Christy's can
barely contain her happiness, now that she's with people who are making
every effort to include her. And then there's Cute Boob Heidi, intolerant of
Christy's disability, intolerant of Jeanne's age and body fat, not to
mention her unspellable name, who may just now be the outcast. Certainly a
role she's not used to playing. But take heart, dear. Dave did pick you
first. Better get those boobs warmed up!

Rob, Alex, and Matthew race into Jaburu and give Shawna a shot of
testosterone. And, lo and behold, she's cured!! It's a miracle!! All she
needed was a man? I mewan, whoda thunk it? Certainly not eye rolling Deena.
After all, Alpha Female Top Dogs don't need pissing contests, do they? What
about Omega Female Bottom Feeders? Yeah, Deena, you. I think you'd better
make damn sure your tribe wins those Immunity Challenges.

That night, Tambaqui demonstrates that, with proper use of their lantern,
Christy can participate in nighttime discussions. Amazing, isn't it? Heidi,
staring blankly into space, remains oblivious to the revelation. She's still
trying to figure out how to spell "Jeanne" for Tribal Council.

Deena: "Shawna may not be so interested in the chick thing any more. Shawna
may be interested in the Alex thing." Well, so much for the CBA. Serves you
right, ladies. Maybe you should have voted her off after all. I really think
it would be poetic justice to see Shawna organize a new Jaburu alliance and
vote off Deena and Jenna.

Deena: "I wonder how loyal Shawna will be to Jenna and myself. Because
clearly it should be three women against three men, if we're going to
protect each other." Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. So _now_ you're interested in
protection against the men, is that it? And which Original Jaburu member was
most interested in stomping the men into dust? Oh yeah, that's right:
Joanna! You remember her, don't you? She's the one you couldn't wait to get
rid of. I wonder what you'd do if you could trade Shawna for Joanna now. No
I don't.

Roger, on the upcoming Immunity Challenge: "I think our chances of winning
are very good. These three women are strong. I'm pleased with Dave's
selection. We got three good women over here." Of course, whenever you hear
anyone say that on "Survivor", you know what that means, right? Yeah. They
get clobbered.

Immunity Challenge: Up The Creek. Well, finally, we get a physical
challenge, at least in part. The first part's a mental word find. It's hard
to say which team is mentally better right now, what with all that
Dumbassedness going around. But Jaburu looks like the physically dominant
tribe. Tambaqui's actually ahead on the word find until Christy decides she
can't spell "mosquito", which costs them precious seconds. Maybe she's been
taking spelling lessons from Cute Boob Teacher Heidi? They make up some
ground on the rowing part, but it's not enough. Gee, Dave, maybe you didn't
make such great selections after all.

Jeanne: "We have no idea how to vote." Uh oh. No, Jeanne, people always have
an idea on how to vote. If you don't know, or if no one's telling you,
better watch out.

So the women row out onto the river and decide which man to vote for. They
want to all vote for one, Butch or Roger, and hope the men do the same to
them, yielding a "tie off". (No, Jeanne, that's what you do to a trash bag.)
They decide to draw straws, short straw goes.

Heidi: "Which one's shorter?" Man, she can't even eyeball a short stick from
a long one. Remember, she's a teacher, shaping the minds and bodies of the
Future of America.

So, they decide to vote off kindly Principal Butch who they just barely met.

Later, Dave takes Heidi aside for a private chat. He tells her he picked her
first for his team because he really wanted to carry her over to the merge.
Awww, and here we thought you picked her for her Cute Boobs. Actually, if
Heidi had a brain, she'd realize Dave's lying to her, telling her what she
wants to hear just so she'll vote his way. As if he wants to take her to his
Final Four. So while Heidi struggles to decide which "alliance" she should
stick with, Dave flashes his pecs and six-pack abs, bats his eyelashes and
gives her a million-dollar smile. She's putty in his hands. She decides to
have a blonde moment:

Heidi: "I had a strong alliance with the girls before I came into this
tribe. It's kind of like, ok, so now what do I do? I am really in just a
rock and a hard stone. I mean, I am just right there. I am like the key
voting factor in, like, this whole voting process." Kinda like Florida, huh?

Tribal Council: Christy practically swears an oath of fealty to the men,
she's so happy to be there. Everyone agrees they're voting with their
alliances and they're voting for people they just barely met, and that's
kind of unfair. Heidi decides she's voting for this Gene person that she
just barely met. Gene's a guy, right? Thinking is hard.

Heidi: "There's so many things going through my head right now." Yeah, like
hot air, memories of Dave's abs, how cute you look, that new guy Gene, the
fact that Christy can actually talk at night (who knew?) "That's killing me
right now. You know, like...head spinning." Oh yeah, wind tunnel.

Butch votes for Jean.

Christy votes for Butch.

Dave votes for Jeanne.

Jeanne votes for Butch.

Roger votes for Jeane.

Heidi votes for Gene.

So, really, Butch should be the one to go, right? I mean, he got the most
votes. But instead they bot Not-So-Angry-Anymore Jeanne, and Heidi wonders
why there's a woman leaving the TC when she voted for a man.

And hey, let's hand it to Dave, right? I mean, all that talk from the women
about how they were going to use their "womanly ways" to get the men to do
their bidding. Yet Dave managed to get Jenna to spill (nearly) all of
Jaburu's secrets, although she probably would have told any male present.
And he managed to convince Cute Boob Heidi to not only betray her tribe, her
alliances but also her entire gender by simply using his "manly ways" on
her. She not only doomed Jeanne, but also Christy and herself as well.
Unless Tambaqui wins the next Immunity Challenge, the women are finished.
Way to go, Heidi! You think maybe Jenna would be willing to share her Queen
Dumbass title with you? Don't think too hard. Your face can't take it.

Next week: Temptation Bungalow 2: Shawna and Alex hook up! Matthew wants a
piece of that action! Roger and Butch take charge! Will they dump Heidi for
Christy? Only if they're not.....dumbasses!

04-25-2003, 04:12 PM
"Q & A"
"The Adventures of Jenna, Queen of the Selfish, Ego-Centric Bitches"
"High School NEVER Ends"
"Cross and Doublecross"
"The Honesty Maneuver"
"The Immunity Factor"
"The Whining of the Selfish; The Silence of the Dumbasses"

First indication that Alex is in trouble tonight: he speaks first, and tells
us what a "blast" he's having with his alliance buddies Gollum Rob, Queen
Bitch, and Amber. Alex and Gollum spend the day staring at Queen Bitch and
Amber, who pass the time by turning over every twenty minutes while
inventing new ways to wear their buffs (how about stuffed in your mouths,
ladies?) Gollum complains that the little people (hobbits?), Crazy-Eyed
Matteo, The Invisible Principal Butch, and Wonder Woman Christy, just aren't
slaving hard and fast enough. Queen Bitch doesn't seem to care about that,
however, so long as they return in time to sew her a new dress for this
week's challenges.

Second indication that Alex is in trouble tonight: "I'm enjoying this game a
lot. I mean, I knew that I would meet cool people, but I never thought that
I would meet people that I consider friends that I want to continue to be
friends with." Alex, you sure you want to be friends with this bunch? Jenna
will turn on you the minute you win something she covets. Heidi does
whatever Jenna tells her to. Do you honestly think either of these Cute Boob
Heathers would give you the time of day back home? And what about Rob? He
just flipped on his number one ally last night. What on earth makes you
think he won't do the same to you?

Jenna: "Like I consider you three, like my best friends, like in and out of
the game. Not just here, at home." Then she gives us some spiel about how
she sits at home with her parents every night of the week. As. If. Jenna,
the Cute Boob swimsuit model, considers sycophant Heidi and ugly doormat
comedian Rob to be her best friends. Yeah, and "swimsuit models" don't do
spreads for online men's magazine sites, don't appear on "The Howard Stern
Show", or in "Girls Gone Wild" videos. No, they just sit at home with their
parents. But wait! Jenna tells us her mother isn't well. Heidi tells us she
has cancer. Well, you know what? I may be going out on a limb here, and if I
discover I'm wrong later on I'll apologize, but I just don't believe that
story. I think it's just something Jenna cooked up to try and gain sympathy
votes. You know, spread a story about poor, dying mom, and the expensive
treatments that will save her life. Get those well-intentioned dumbasses on
your side. Then float them a letter describing the miracle breakthrough: the
tumor's decreased in size! Mom may live! If only I could afford the chemo
treatments! Gee, isn't it too bad I only have my paltry swimsuit model money
to live on, plus save Dear Ol' Mom?

How could I be so heartless, so cruel? How could I treat poor Jenna with
such disdain, such disgust? Well, after watching tonight's episode, how
could I do anything else? Jenna makes Jerri Manthey look like a saint. She
makes Vecepia appear contrite. But I digress.

While Matt, Christy, and Butch chop wood and catch fish, Queen Bitch Jenna
worries about her sick mother while she lays out with her Power of Four

Alex: "It's a little bit like, and I hate to say it, but it's a little bit
like high school. Jenna and Heidi and Rob and I have the luxury of doing a
little bit less work because we hold a majority and the other three know
it." No, Alex, it's exactly like high school, except, you know, for the
starving and the voting out and such. And you know what else? It shows you
haven't learned anything since high school. If you had, you'd have chosen
better allies.

Matthew: "I find their behavior to be incomprehensible. Maybe the Final Four
will be made up of Rob, Alex, Jenna, and Heidi. But by betraying the other
three members of the tribe and treating them like dirt, they've basically
guaranteed that myself, Butch, and Christy will vote against them if any one
of them makes it to the Final Two." Well, umm, Matt. Okay, first, put down
the machete and step away. Second, if those four are the Final Four, that
kinda guarantees that two of them will be in the Final Two. See, that's why
they can get away with treating you like dirt. You're going to have to vote
for one of them. Unless...

Jenna finds a wallet stuffed with cash in the tree mail, and goes nuts. She
races off, undoubtedly in search of the nearest mall. My god, we've got
another Jan on our hands!

Rob: "I'm gonna say, screw the food, this is like my life savings." Oh yeah,
way to go, you smooth devil you. The ladies just love it when you talk that
sexy finance talk.

Jenna: "Do we get to keep the extra?" Yeah. You get to spend it at the
Amazon Macy's. And if Rob has any extra, he wants it in singles.

Reward Challenge: Auction. Well, we've seen this one before, right? Not
quite. For one thing, in past auctions people pooled their money and shared
their food. Not so here. For another, in past auctions friends did not tend
to bid against friends. Here. Heidi continually bids against Jenna. If
Jenna's in Bid Mode, so is Heidi. Speaking of which, Heidi snaps up the
first item unopposed: a $120 slice of cheesecake. Yes, there she is, the
Physical Education teacher and self-professed role model for cute boob girls
nationwide, plunking down what probably amounts to a day's pay for a slice
of cheesecake. Alex then drops $240 on a mystery plate, and even rejects
another mystery plate in trade. In fairness, I'd have done the same. Turns
out he passed up a plate of lasagna for a nice healthy bowl of manioc flour.

Matthew then wins a $400 bid for a cheeseburger and fries. It's interesting
to note that, as soon as Christy makes a bid, Jenna immediately outbids her.

Jenna: "All right, you got it. Move it along." A truly compassionate human
being, that Jenna. She wins the next bid, $320 for yet another plate of
peanut butter and chocolate. Again, she immediately outbids Christy every
time she opens her mouth. She also outbids Heidi, every time she open _her_
mouth. Note: this time, neither Jenna nor Heidi offer to strip for the food.

Butch wins a very quick $400 bacon and eggs breakfast, and a single bed
mattress and pillow as an unexpected bonus. Rob snaps up a protein bar, Matt
a protein shake. Heidi grabs a chocolate cake and glass of milk.

Rob: "How does this girl keep her figure?" By constantly running from guys
like you?

Alex redeems his earlier D'oh! by winning a $240 steak dinner. As he walks
back with his plate, I cannot help but notice that most of the players have
burned through most of their money, and everyone's gotten something to eat.
Everyone except...Christy. Every time she opened her mouth, Jenna
immediately outbid her. Well, Jeff brings out a new plate, with letters from
home. Again, I have to question why no one tried to pool their money, why no
one made any promises of future immunity or vote support. It's either in the
rules or it's just every survivor for themselves with this bunch. Here's the
bidding for the letter from home: Christy, $80. Jenna, $100. Heidi, $200.
Note: Jenna only has $180 to play with, having already spent $320 on her
pb&c. So Heidi has just knocked Jenna out of the bidding. Christy, $240.
Heidi, $260. Christy, $300. Heidi, $320. Christy, $340. Christy wins, and
begins to cry. As she opens her letter, the look on Christy's face is truly
wonderful, her tears of joy streaming down her smiling face. We all know
what she's been through, the obstacles she's overcome. The communication
problems, the social ostracism. Never having won a Reward Challenge or
Immunity, she finally wins one thing that she can call her very own. Her
precious. And how do her tribemates congratulate her? How do they
acknowledge her small, personal victory? Well, by ignoring her completely,
of course. Because they're all focused on poor, pitiful Jenna, crying
uncontrollably as rising violins permeate our televisions. Everyone feels so
sad, Jeff brings out the letters and asks Christy, who "paid such a hefty
price" for her letter, if it's all right if they bid on another.

Which brings up an interesting scenario. For the first time in this game,
Christy is in a position of power. She can dictate terms. Hey, Jenna, you
want a letter? Go chop some wood. You want it, Heidi? Fork over that cake
and milk. How about I get your Immunity, next time you win it. There's any
number of things Christy could have demanded, were she the bloodthirsty
type. But she isn't. She immediately agrees to allow the bidding. Jenna,
$80. Heidi, $100. Heidi, $100?? Hey, Heidi, weren't you the one who was just
hugging and consoling your shaking, crying ally? Why the hell are you trying
to outbid her now? Jenna, $120. She starts counting her money as she cries,
making sure she has enough. Heidi looks at Jenna and her money. Perhaps
Heidi suddenly realizes Jenna has less than her? Heidi is silent, Jenna wins
her letter. Christy, her eyes bloodshot, looks on as everyone eats their
food, no one offering to share. Jenna beams her winning "in" crowd smile. No
trace of any tears this time. Oh yeah, Jenna. You showed Christy. You showed
them all.

Bitch. [censored]...cunt. I know, I'm sorry. But I just feel such utter
revulsion and contempt towards Jenna right now. She's the embodiment of
every morally bankrupt quality in every bleached, rhinoplastied, Visa-ed and
MasterCarded Valley Girl Heather I grew up with. I don't give a damn what
she looks like, this woman has absolutely no redeemable qualities. I think
the only reason she hasn't yet been bitten or eaten is that the Amazon fauna
have taste and would rather see her starve.

Jenna: "When she [Christy] outbid Heidi, I was, like, god..."

Heidi: "I didn't have any money left to outbid her." No, but you had plenty
to spare in outbidding Jenna.

Jenna: "I was surprised that she did that, but not really." Yeah, like how
dare she outbid the High Queen Bitch herself, right? I mean, who does she
think she is, trying to deny you anything, however small, that you desire?
Doesn't she realize she's merely a lesser being? When will
these...people...learn their place? "That's okay."

Matthew: "My feeling was that Christy deserved a letter. She's in a very
bumpy ride, and I realize that it would really elevate her spirits, raise
her spirits, and I felt she deserved it. And I thought Jenna was being
selfish." Oh, Matthew, that's putting it nicely. You're making Jenna sound
human. She's not.

Christy reads her letter, in private. It's from a high school friend, who
reassures her that, even if those "hearing people" give her trouble, there's
better things waiting for her back home. "Knowing that there's people out
there that love me, it's such a great feeling. Maybe I can't trust anybody
out here, but I can definitely trust people at home." Awwwwww. ((((((((((
Christy )))))))))) /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

Jenna reads her letter, out loud, so everyone else can hear. He mother's
tumor has shrunk 50%. Hugs and kisses from Heidi and Alex. Like I said, I
just don't believe it. I think Jenna is ice. Utterly contemptible and
completely manipulative. I don't believe she has a single compassionate bone
in her body. Worse, she thinks everyone else should suffer so that she can
be happy. Unwilling to contribute, to work, to share, is it any wonder we
learn the others regard her as they do in tonight's Immunity Challenge? No.

Matthew and some invisible guy (Butch? Is that his name?) discuss strategy.
Matthew notes that Rob is really a separate entity in the Alliance of Four.
After all, he really isn't one of the Beautiful People, is he? Matt thinks
they should work on Rob, get him over to their side. Funny, isn't it Rob who
thiks he's string you and Butch along? That you'll do anything _he_ says? Ya
know, suddenly ol' Matt doesn't seem so clueless and gullible anymore. I
think he knows exactly what he's doing. He then suggests bringing Christy
in. Which shouldn't be too difficult, given her hatred towards Alex and the
Cute Boobs (more on that later).

But first, Alex has to do something unbelievably dumb. I mean, truly King
Dumbass material. He decides to be totally honest witrh Rob. He tells Rob,
that, should they and the Cute Boobs (sleeping, joined at the hip) make it
to the Final Four, and he wins Immunity, he's going to vote out Rob. And he
expects Rob to do likewise. Privately, Rob tells us he's having none of

Rob: "I have never stopped playing 'Survivor', and over my dead body will I
just turn over and let someone just pass me by." Well gee, Rob, if you felt
that way, why did you turn on Deena, with whom you stood a much betterchance
of making it to the Final Two than with the Cute Boob Twins? Oh well, too
late for that now, right? Buh bye, Alex.

The tree mail arrives, and it's...test booklets. Test booklets? My god, Alex
was right! This _is_ high school! Number two pencils, everyone! And Heidi,
watch the spelling, okay?

Heidi: "Huh?"

A closeup of the booklets reveals that Question 8 is "Who doesn't deserve to
win?" Christy answers hers, "Alex". Alex? Really? Over Queen Bitch Jenna?
What's going on here? Is he snubbing you in the worst way? Or just not
paying enough attention? Got a slight crush going on here? It's okay, I
won't tell. Anyway, the questions are all like that. "Who's this" and "Who's
that" stuff. Things normally discussed in the politically charged
environments normally found in slumber parties. Alex guesses that the
upcoming Immunity Challenge will be to see how everyone's answers compare.
Which makes sense. And it also makes sense that the one who has studied
everyone, and everyone's angles the most, will probably win Immunity. And
that's gotta be Rob, right? I mean, he's the one who is always considering
angles and possibilities. And you can't juggle lies like he does without
having a good understanding of whom you're lying to, right?

Rob takes Matt aside for a private chat. Alex has obviously made a major
impression on Rob, and Rob has no intention of finishing fourth. So, he
comes clean to Matt about all his deceptions and manipulations, knowing that
will bring Matt (and hence, chain link buddy Butch) in close on his side,
and all he needs is a fourth (Christy) vote to eliminate Alex. And it's
right at this point that I flashback to two weeks ago, when Deena targeted
Alex, only to have Jenna discover it and eliminate her instead. Do you
remember that, Rob? Remember how Jenna accused Deena of lying and
backstabbing? And how it was all about Alex? What do you think Jenna's going
to do once she learns you're now targeting Alex?

Rob tells Matt that Alex wants him gone next because Matt is the only one
who can beat him in a physical challenge. Rob relays his conversation with
Alex, and about Alex's admission, telling Matt that "this is what happens
when people start being arrogant". Arrogant dumbasses, you mean. Regardless,
Rob suggests they band together with the other Outsiders and remove Alex.
Unless he wins Immunity, in which case Rob will have to come up with an
alternate plan quickly. Might I suggest Queen Bitch Cuntface Jenna? (sorry,

Rob then approaches Christy, back at the camp. Jenna and Heidi are huddling
close by, sharing the mattress and pillow Butch won in the food auction.
Butch is probably off chopping wood or getting water or catching fish, so he
sure won't be needing that comfy ol' mattress, right? Jenna and Heidi

Rob, on Christy: "Christy is a sweet girl. But she does not fit in with this
group. I've a feeling that a lot of girls that were like Jenna and Heidi
were very mean to Christy in her life." Ain't that the truth. Actually, the
only times girls like Jenna and Heidi ever even acknowledged Christy's
presence was most likely to humiliate and/or belittle her, or to make her do
something immoral and probably illegal under some vague promise that she
could then be their friend. Which never, ever happened, of course. Anyway,
Rob takes Christy aside and outlines his plan to vote out Alex. Christy
keeps saying "those guys", meaning Alex, Jenna, and Heidi, but Rob keeps
answering back with only "Alex". Christy, are you following what he's
saying? He's saying that this is a one-time Alliance. He's saying he still
wants a threesome with Jenna and Heidi. He's saying it's going to be one of
you Outsiders next. Are you listening?

Christy, on supporting Rob's idea: "Alex? Aaaaaaaaaa! I could care less
about him! And I could just...uugggghhhh! And he he's just like...[sticks
tongue out, eyes bulging]...drooling over Jenna and Heidi and it's just
like, come on. Then again, I don't know. Can you really trust Rob? Is he
gonna say that to just make us feel like we really have a chance? Or is he
just trying to stir up something?" Good question.

Tribal Council. Tribal Council? No, wait. Immunity Challenge! It just looks
like they're already going to TC, with all that darkness and flickering
torches and all. Well, it's time to compare test answers, and see what the
consensus is. First one to reach five correct answers wins.

1. Who would you trust with your life? Consensus: Butch. Jenna, Rob, and
Butch get it right. I would have said Butch too. Alex chose himself, as did
Heidi. Christy chose Rob (rut ro.) Matthew chose himself.

2. Which tribe member uses sex appeal as a weapon? SLAM DUNK! Only one
obvious answer here, folks! Unfortunately, only Alex, Christy, Matthew, and
Heidi get it right. Rob, Butch, and Jenna all say it's Heidi.

Jeff: "Surprise you?"

Jenna: "A little. I don't know if I should feel like people think 'I'm
sleazy' or, 'That's really cool!' But, oh well." Sleazy, definitely sleazy.

Jeff: "Well, that's not new to you, right? Being a young woman, using sex
with men to..." Get them to do your bidding? And then reward them by leaving
their broken, battered husks by the side of the road as you speed by in
expensive cars they bought you, rattling your expensive jewelry in their
defeated, pleading faces as you crush their hearts into dust? No, of course
that's nothing new to Jenna.

Jenna: "Well, I don't think it's done purposely to try to, you know, snake
anybody, but maybe...by accident?" Oh yeah, right. Sure. No, of course it's
nothing you ever do, is it? You're so totally blameless here. You were just
minding your owwn business when suddenly all thse me started showering you
with gifts and attention, right? Yeah, right. Liar. Whore. Bitch. Heather.
Hey, Jenna? Who was it that bitterly complained back in the first episode
that sticking you in an all-female tribe ruined your plan to get the young
strong men to do your bidding? I believe you used the term "womanly ways"?
That ring any bells?

3. Who is the most honest? (Well it sure as hell ain't Jenna!) The answer
was Matthew. But only Matthew answered "Matthew". Hey, guys, these answers
are based on those questionnaires you answered. So obviously, a majority, or
at least a plurality, of you already answered "Matthew". snap snap Come on,
get with it! Christy and Jenna, by the way, both answered "Rob". No one
answered "Jenna".

4. Who would never survive on their own? I know! I know! The one who brought
a beauty contest tiara as her luxury item, right? Yup. Everyone says "Jenna"
except Jenna, who says "Rob".

Jenna: "I have no idea why they said that, so...I have no comments."

Jeff: "No comments?"

Jenna: "Nope!"

Jeff: "You're using sex as a weapon, you couldn't survive on your own..."

Jenna: "I...I...I don't know! Personal opinion." Well, Jenna, let me offer
my own personal opinion. Maybe it has to do with your first major decision
once you reached the campsite on Day 1. You remember, don't you? You wanted
everyone to wash their buffs, so you would all have clean buffs. That was
quickly followed by your sudden need to wash your bikini bottoms, to keep
the creepy crawlies out. Oh yeah, your survival skills are finely tuned.

5. Who needs therapy the most? Me! Me! Oh, wait. On the show, you mean.
Everyone says "Matthew", except Christy, who says "Jenna". Yup. Crazy-Eyed
Matthew. He's a loon, that one. No one would ever suspect him of plotting
and deception, nosiree!

6. Who would you most like to see pose nude? Angelina Jolie? Diane Lane?
Ohhh, on the show. Ummm, pass? No? Welllll........everyone says "Heidi"
except for Heidi and Matt, who both say "Jenna". Good lord, why Heidi? She's
a walking twig with two balloons. I mean, yeah, I'd pick her too, but dayum,
she'd better eat a few dozen cheeseburgers first, know what I'm sayin'?

7. (Matt and Rob tied at 4 correct answers) Who do you have a crush on? Oh
good lord. You know, I really was joking before about all that "high school
never ends" stuff, but geez. So (almost) everyone picks Heidi, the safe bet.
Sorry, Jenna. Most people prefer their crushes to have heartbeats. Heidi
picks herself too. Matthew picks himself, and hands Immunity to Rob.
Question is, did he blow the question intentionally, or does he really think
everyone has a crush on him? I think he blew it intentionally. He knows Rob
has formed a new, secret Alliance against Alex. He's in that Alliance, and
is therefore safe. And handing Rob Immunity may well place him in good stead
with Rob later on, since Rob can now feel he has an ally, and not just a
strung out panzy, in Matt. So, Matt wins by losing.

Rob: "This is the best day of my life!" (Wait. I thought that was a few
episodes ago...)

Jeff: "Who knew, you would be most in touch with the tribe?'

Rob: "These are my people!" (Careful, Rob...)

Jeff: "You are their leader now." Hey! Don't jinx him, Probst!

Alex is happy Rob won Immunity, because it means physical threat Matthew is
a goner. Deena is happy Matthew won Immunity, because it means Alex is a
goner. Roger is happy Deena won Immunity, because it means Christy is a
goner...Alex is giddy with anticipation, and can hardly wait for Tribal
Council. He knows his Alliance is solidly behind him. There's no way he can
lose. This is his game. He's Top Dog. The Big Cheese. The Head Man. The

Rob can't decide if he wants to be Gollum, and vote with the Cute Boob Power
of Four Alliance; or Smeagol, and support the nice-but-often-mislead
Outsiders. With the CBA, he's assured a spot in the Final Four, but there's
serious doubts as to whether they'll take him farther than that. It just
doesn't look like TweedleHeidi and TweedleJenna are ready to turn on each
other, you know?

With the Outsiders, there's more of a challenge, but the possibility of a
bigger payoff is greater. "But the downside to that would be to lose the
trust of all these people I've come so far with", says Smeagol. "I'm turning
my back on three people who are going to be in the jury. Three people who
are definitely not going to vote for me in the Final Two." Think about it,
Rob. Do you think Jenna would ever actually vote for you to win? Under any
circumstances? Or Heidi? What would they be doing, right now, back home?
Standing in some corner, pointing at you from a distance, staring, mocking,
and laughing. It's all just a big joke to them, and you're standing there
with your fly open.

Jenna, on her alliance: "It's possible to play the game without hurting
anybody in this group." Oh yeah right sure it is. Who the hell are you
trying to fool? Well, Rob, actually.

Gollum, Smeagol, Gollum, Smeagol. Hey, it beats Miss
Between-A-Rock-And-A-Hard-Stone anyday.

Tribal Council. Jeff asks typical questions and receives typical answers.
Everybody is just Shiny and Happy and life is good and who cares if Jenna
and Heidi are painting each others' faces it's not like we don't already
know they're bestest buds, ya know? And everybody feels warm and safe and no
one expects to get voted off tonight...except Christy. She's always
expecting to get voted off. She just cannot trust any of these people. Story
of her life.

Alex loses, 4-3. Smeagol lives! Jenna smiles as Alex goes to leave, and then
scowls. Oh look....she didn't know. Awwwwww. Suddenly, in her mind, Rob has
just become Deena.

Heidi: "Huh?" Later, dear.

Next week:

Jenna, to Rob: "You don't care about personal relationships! You just care
about yourself!!" Oh dear lord in heaven, Jenna! Not that! Anything but
that! How dare he come all this way, starving and competing for a month, and
have the audacity, the unmitigated gall, to actually care about himself!
Doesn't he know he's in the presence of royalty? And when exactly did you
ever start caring about anyone besides YOURSELF, Jenna? Yeah, thought so.


Admit it, Jenna, you're frustrated because you know you can't beat Rob with
subtlty. He's the undisputed Master of the Unseen Move. So you're calling
him out publicly, in hopes that exposing his plans will alienate him and
shift power back to you. Good luck with that.

Here's the description of next week's episode, from the CBS website:


a.. Matthew makes an incredible sacrifice so that others can be given the
opportunity of a lifetime. But the newfound respect Matthew enjoys makes Rob
rethink his new alliance.

a.. Still stung by Rob's betrayal of the alliance, an enraged Jenna tells
the entire tribe about Rob's secret plans, revealing his strategies to
everyone. Will Jenna's revelations turn the tribe against Rob?

a.. Feeling ostracized and betrayed, Jenna and Heidi refuse to help out
around camp. Will this put the final nails in their coffins?

*#@* /ccboard/images/graemlins/ooo.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/cool.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/blush.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

About that last one...who didn't see that one coming? These two definitely
need to be spanked. And Rob's definitely the one to do it.

Rob: "Oh thank you, God."

04-27-2003, 02:51 PM
Now I know why I dont like reallity shows

04-29-2003, 08:41 PM
Final 4 should be Christy, Butch, Matt, and Rob who saved all three. But the girls could convince someone to vote for Rob!
Alex handled Rob wrong and it was costly!

04-30-2003, 07:00 PM
Yeah Jenna and Heidi are done for, IMO at least. I think Alex was shocked last week to see his name come up, he was getting pretty cocky and over confident so I didn't mind see him get the boot. Things should start getting very interesting now.

05-01-2003, 12:05 AM
I was on for the live chat with Alex and someone said rumor has it that Jenna and Matt in finals. I find this hard to imagine.

05-01-2003, 04:28 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote BillyRinNC:</font><hr> I was on for the live chat with Alex and someone said rumor has it that Jenna and Matt in finals. I find this hard to imagine. <hr /></blockquote>

Yeah I would find that pretty hard to imagine as well, just rumors with no truth to them, it happens on every show, people speculate who's gonna win and rumors start flying like kobe on a trampoline. I would like to see Matt win, everybody is scared of him and he knows how to play the game. I guess I'm just gonna have to wait and see.

05-10-2003, 05:29 PM
"The Amazon Heats Up"
"Principals of Fire"
"The Tragic 8-Ball"
"Jacare Flambe: BEL IN YO"
"The Outsiders, issue number 12: Mastermind Vs. Pyro"
"The One Where Matt Demonstrates His Social Skills By Making Out With His Car"
"The One Where Jenna Becomes Shawna"
"Deflated Heidi Go Ho(me)"

Apparently, it takes half a brain to lose with only three days left. Maybe Jenna stole
Heidi's other half and was using it for a pillow. I mean, Heaven knows the Zeta Bitch
Queen can't be called upon to actually rest her crownless head on naked, charred wooden
poles, right? She has to be comfortable while she's once again refusing to do any labor. I
bet Heidi even offered Jenna her pneumatic brain half willingly, since Jenna has the plan
that will get Heidi into the Final Two with her. And you know, it almost worked. In fact,
I'll bet Jenna thought she had a third vote lined up to oust Rob. So who was it, Butch or
Matt? I'd say Butch, as retaliation for last week's Christy votes, but you never know.
Could be Matt. Matt showed us this week that he has learned a lot about deception and
manipulation. Did he have a secret alliance with Jenna and Heidi, only to go back on his
word? Or did he just go along with the guys in voting Heidi out, knowing they'd all rather
be up against The Evil Jennaness in a jury vote? Did they feel Heidi was more of a threat
to win challenges? (I don't know why, since Jenna has already won Immunity twice. Of
course, Jenna suddenly got "sick" and "weak", seemingly making her less of a threat, and
making Heidi stick out like a sore...umm, hard stone?) Regardless, somebody had better
figure out a way to eliminate Matt real soon. Otherwise, he's going to win this thing. Not
that there's anything wrong with that...

Jenna complains she has pharyngitis. I think she's faking it, using it as strategy.
Painting herself as meek and helpless, and no threat to win. As she tells Jeff at the
Reward Challenge, "I'm a little girl and can only ask so much from a small body." Yeah.
Good thing all the big people are doing your share of the work, right? I also think
Jenna's faking her illness to avoid talking to anyone she doesn't need to. "Why waste time
talking to these losers? They're all against me. They won't help me win. They're not the
Cool People. Why should I bother with them?" I think Jenna's using every weapon left to
her to win. Even if it means portraying herself as a Shawna. Not in the hopes that her
teammates will take pity on her and send her home, though. Pity is an unknown concept to
malicious scum like Jenna. Tears, illness, they're just ways to get others to do things
for you. When I was a kid, my parents would have us (my younger Valley Girl sister and I)
do yardwork chores. Sure enough, my sister would start complaining about a leg pain, or a
sore throat, or a headache, and couldn't she just stay inside and dust the living room?
Besides, "The Brady Bunch" was on. Sure enough, Mom always said yes. I hate my sister.

Rob: "Amazingly, I don't sense any animosity from the two girls. That they know I saved
their ass last night. And they seem to be very grateful."

Famous. Last. Words. Jenna? Grateful? Rob, weren't you paying attention when Jenna took
her revenge on you in TC last night? You think she's _grateful_??? You could hand her a
check for the million right now and she'd complain that it wasn't in cash and that she had
to pay taxes and that you should be the one to pay her taxes because you brought her the
check too slowly. And you think she's being grateful? The only reason she's being nice to
you now is she hasn't yet figured out the nastiest was to screw you over this week.

Rob: "And now it's at the point where I'm completely honest with them." That's it! Dead
Rob Walking.

Rob: "Basically, I'm thinking, Heidi, I'm gonna vote for you next, and then Jenna."
Heidi: "Okay."
Rob: "But you know, we're so close to the end that Immunity could screw anything up."

Famous. Last. Words. Again.

Jenna: "I think it's funny because, honestly, I figure it's....even though Butch is a
moron, you against him, it's a lock."
Rob: "I did think about if I was to flip flop here, and go with you two to the end. But
then I would just screw over every single person that I've ever come in contact with in
the game and I would just look like the biggest [censored] ever. And, uh..."
Heidi: "And you care about that at this point?" Ouch!

Rob: "Telling the girls my plan to vote off Heidi and then Jenna was actually very well
received." Yeah Rob, 'cuz you know the Beautiful People came all this way just to let the
King of All Geekdom screw them over. "Seems like people don't get too mad when you tell
them that and they just say, oh, okay, cool. I don't think they have anything up their

Famous. Last. Words. Again. Again.

Heidi: "All I know is that I'm not gong without a fight."

Again, and again, and again. (Note: the closed captioning for this read, " All I know is
that I'm not going until Friday." lol)

Butch chops wood. See Butch chop. Chop, Butch, chop.

Jenna: "Butch done lost his mind." Jenna, it's either wander off and chop wood, or stand
around listening to your latest excuse for not doing any work. You should be thanking him.

Rob: "I don't know what Butch's obsession with wood is all about. When he gets up in the
morning, first thing he says is we need to go get some wood." Rob, that's just Butch's way
of saying he needs some "private time". You know, like Ted did with his "me time" last
season. Just be glad Butch isn't off doing something stupid. (I know, famous last

Butch chops more wood. See Butch chop. Chop, Butch, chop.
Rob helps Butch carry wood. See Rob carry. Carry, Rob, carry.
Rob: "I don't know how I necessarily became the....Junior Deputy Firewood Bitch." I do,
Rob. You used the same brain that's making you think you can be honest with and trust the
Cute Boob Alliance. "I'm getting my good shirt dirty, Butch."

Jenna: "I don't know what he [Butch] does. I don't know if he talks to the wood."
Butch: "Ohhh, this is nice wood. What's that you say, wood? You know who killed Laura
Palmer? We'd better go see Agent Cooper!" "I'm just a wood-crazed nut, I guess. Great.
Butch the Wood-Crazed Nut teamed up with Crazy-Eyed Matt and Slimeball Snake Horndog Rob.
Maybe Heidi was right when she called them Team Crazy.

See Butch dance. Butch's Funky Chicken makes Justin Guarini look like, well, Justin
Timberlake. Maybe Butch should have taken lessons from Dave? Dance, Butch, dance.

Tree mail: "To succeed in the future, you must learn from the past." Kinda prophetic, when
you think about what's going to happen to the camp while they're away, right?

Just one quick note here: remember early on in the game, when they were building a
shelter, and someone (Roger?) said it had to be raised up and cleared underneath to keep
out the creepy-crawlies? And yet, no one says anything when Butch stuffs logs under the
shelter. Now I know it's easy to just blame Butch for the fire, but no one said anything
to him about storing all that wood. No one went and checked the fire to make sure it
wasn't burning too high before they left. If they all though Butch "done lost his mind",
why didn't they check up on his work? Oh, wait. That would have meant Jenna and Heidi
would have to get up off their CBAsses and do something, wouldn't it. Yeah.

Reward Challenge: Try Again. Of course, the funniest thing here is that Miss
I'm-Not-Going-Without-A-Fight Heidi was undone by simple rope knots. Rope 1, Heidi 0. And
I thought Matt and Rob made a mistake by not destroying their solved puzzles before moving
on (hey, who wants to leave a solved puzzle for Jenna and Heidi to see?) But, to his
credit, Matt understood the meaning of the Decoder Puzzle ("second bundle") and grabbed
the correct one while I was still trying to figure out what the heck it all meant. And
yeah, I cheered as Matt flew down the Flying Fox to claim the final key. Funny, isn't it?
The very first challenge had Heidi doing the same thing to win for the women. This time,
she couldn't even get past a few pesky rope knots. So Heidi, which one of your strengths
let you down? Intellect or athletecism?

Matt wins a Saturn Ion. I hasten to point out that, on MTV's "Real World/Road Rules
Challenge: Battle of the Sexes", they gave away _six_ Saturn Ion cars. Of course, they
only gave away $150,000 instead of "Survivor"'s million, but come on. CBS charges way more
for its advertising than MTV does. They should be giving away a nicer car. And when Jeff
told Matt he could share his tailgate feast with only one other person, all I thought was,
"pleasePleasePLEASE don't pick Jenna! I'm so tired of her!" So Matt picked Rob, which
makes sense, since both of them have helped each other along with the game. Plus it keeps
Rob where Matt can keep an eye on him, just in case Rob's thinking of flipping Matt this
time around.

Matt, lighting the barbeque coal: "I'm a pyromaniac." hmmmmm.....did Matt set the camp
Rob: "Butch is gonna be so jealous. We have coal."

Okay, so the wood Butch stacked right on top of the fire collapses, creating a larger
fire, which burns down the fire shelter and anything around it. (Well, at least they can't
blame Marcell the monkey this time!)

Matt, staring at his fire: "Hey, I've got the magic touch, what can I say?" hmmmmm....."I
want my hotdog...dark."

Butch's "Believe in Yourself" sign is reduced to "Bel In Yo". I wonder how difficult it
was for the "Survivor" cameramen to keep from laughing as the fire roared? I'm betting
they were under instructions to let it burn until it reached the edge of the camp. Yeah,
that'll show those dumbasses.

Butch: "Oh."
Heidi: "Oh my god."
Butch: "Oh."
Heidi: "Oh my god." (Wow, those two really heated up things, didn't they?)

Of course, Jenna immediately worries about the important stuff that's been destroyed. You
know, like the remaining food, available drinking water, cooking pots and implemtnts,
Rob's Magic 8-Ball, and anything they used to keep away hungry alligators and jaguars,
right? No, of course not. Those things aren't important. How silly of me. She's worried si
ck about her Zeta Rush jacket, her letters from home, and her Pledge Crown. You know,
those valuable, irreplaceable items she shouldn't have brought out to an exposed jungle
camp in the first place.

Jenna: "All the packs burned down, except for Heidi's which was underneath [the shelter]."
You know, I'll bet Jenna's feeling resentment towards Heidi right now. She won't say
anything, but you know Jenna.

Heidi: "I wish my stuff was burnt, just like everybody else's. That way, I could, just, be
on the same level with them." The same level? Does that mean burning your stuff will grow
you half a brain?

Butch: "The first thing that came to my mind was, gosh, could it be my fault? You know,
we'll never know." Oh, I don't know about that, Butch. Who was it that stacked all that
wood right on top of the fire just before you all went to RC? Yeah, that's right. You.

The camp is toast. At their tailgate party, Rob and Matt make a toast, to each other.

Rob: "I've run out of credit. Nobody trusts me anymore."
Matt: "Right, except for me."
Rob: "Yep."
Matt: "You're the reason I'm here today. So many times you came through and gave me just
enough information."
Rob: "You wouldn't be here without me, and I wouldn't be able to finish this out without
you." Privately: "I've done all I can at this point. There's no more rules I can break.
Matt is in the driver's seat at this point, and I'm riding shotgun." Yep. Rob, you created
your very own Frankenstein Monster, strong and competetive, friendly and compassionate. It
hasn't yet had to stab anyone's back while you've stabbed them all. Your only hope is if
it doesn't win anymore challenges, and if you can convince everyone who doesn't trust you
to give you just one more chance. Good luck!

Jenna: "I lost stuff that was handed down for five, six years. I lost stuff that's not
Matt: "I don't have anything to keep me warm at night."
Jenna: "Aren't you listening, you psycho? I said I lost my Pledge Crown!!"
Rob: "We don't have any food or water. Even my Magic 8-Ball is ruined. I guess..."
Jenna: "Will you people shut the [censored] up? Aren't you listening to me? I lost my sorority
warmup jacket! How am I supposed to carry on? None of you gives a damn about anything."
Matt: "I'm not going to point any fingers, because we don't do that in this tribe."
(translation: I'm not ready to stab Butch yet.)
Rob: "Butch."
Matt: "In hindsight, it was basically an inferno waiting to happen."
Rob: "Bullshit. Butch."
Butch: "It doesn't make any difference how it happened. It caught, it burned."
Rob: "Tell that to my Tragic 8-Ball."

Matt: "What we're going to do today is build a new fire shelter. Except we'll do it
differently this time. This time, we won't be stacking any wood next to the fire."
Because, you know, wood burns. Doctor, it always hurts me when I do this. Well, don't do

Heidi: "I want Butch to go before me and Jenna. I mean, I feel we've earned it. We worked
our butts off. We've not been careless. We didn't burn down the camp." Yeah, that's true
about the camp. But as for working your butts off, umm, care to elaborate? How much fish
have you caught? How many trees did you chop down? How many vines did you tie together?
Sure, you've done a great job washing your bikinis and buffs, but have you even washed
anyone else's? I can go on about all the things you and Jenna haven't done for people, for
the camp, for anything but your own selfish vanity. But I'm having a really difficult time
coming up with things you have done. Except, you know, like stripping for chocolate and
alienating Christy and blaming everyone else for everything that's gone wrong for you. And
there's no point even pointing these things out to you. You're in such a sorry state of
denial you're still blaming everyone else, like you did this morning in your "Early Show"
interview. I mean, you actually said that Jeanne, Janet, Deena, and Joanna were all over
you, calling you names and such. If they were so mean and rotten to you, howcome we never
saw any of that? What would be the point of editing out any of Janet or Joanna's mean and
nasty comments to you, what with them leaving so early anyway? No, Heidi. I'm willing to
bet they never said anything of the sort to you. But you sure had a lot to say about them.

How's it feel, Heidi, being the second most hated woman on the show?

Heidi: "I say to Jenna, I feel so bad for not helping them [the guys, working hard to
rebuild the camp]. But then I say, naaahhhh, no I don't."

Jenna: "We're not doing any work for them. Why? You're just gonna vote us off. We're not
doing crap for you. We're not going to make your life any easier. I'm grateful that they
built a new shelter, 'cuz we really needed it, but I just won't help." Hey, Jenna, want to
know why you should be helping? Here's why. Only one of you can win immunity. That means
at least one of you, if not both, will make it to the Final Four. That means you may have
to gain an ally or cut a deal very, very quickly. No more laying around for days on end
while figuring out to line up your ducks and humiliate Rob again. As we've seen before, a
little good will can go a long way, especially when you have to cut a quick deal at TC.

Matt: "They're just digging deeper graves for themselves, as far as I'm concerned."
Exactly. Jenna and Heidi just sit and stare.

Immunity Challenge: Rope Course. It would have been kinda nice if they used a four-way
split screen here, like they do on "24". Or maybe kept the scoreboard up so we could see
how everyone was doing. As it stands, it's not really much of a challenge, as Matt wins
easily. Wow, he's really turned his game up a few. Looks like he can pretty much dictate
terms now.

Jenna once again claims she sick. She sounds just like Shawna, all those weeks ago. And
everyone looks at her with the same eyes she used on Shawna, all those weeks ago.

Jenna: "How am I supposed to enjoy my last couple of days here when I *sniff* can't even
do anything?" First of all, you're not here to "enjoy" anything. You're here to win the
game. Secondly, since when do you do anything? As far as I (or anyone else not named
Heidi) can tell, you're doing exactly what you've always done: lay around, working on your
tan while everyone around you works their butts off, and then you complain you're not
"enjoying yourself" enough. Well, I'm not enjoying you either. And, short of a tree
"accidentally" falling on you, I won't get any enjoyment from you until I see your torch
snuffed out.

Heidi: "She's genuinely, genuinely concerned about her health." As was Shawna.

Tribal Council. Jeff asks Jenna who she'd like to face in the Finals.

Jenna: "I would rather go up against sombody I really care about and know was a great
player, and that'd be it. Like, I wouldn't want to go up against somebody I knew I could
beat, because it's not competition." So, umm, Jenna values loyalty above all else, and
only wants to go up against someone she cares about, but not someone she thinks she can
defeat? Rob looks puzzled. Jenna's doing a good job of spinning for the jury, but the only
one who may be listening is Alex, and he's already said he'd vote for Jenna.

Jeff: "Heidi, do you deserve to be in the Final Two?"
Heidi: "I definitely deserve to be in the Final Two." (Famos. Last. Words.) "These other
four people know how I've played this game. I've played soooo hard. I'm like the
mastermind behind like half of the plans that go on day to day, and I've got like, three
guys here that are scared to death of me, right now. That I could beat them." (Rocket
Scientist Dave puts his head in his hands. Is it because he can't believe his ears, or
that he knows he's going to spend the next three days listening to Heidi droning on and on
about how she was voted out because they all feared her?) "And that's saying something,
that's saying something. That I have not just been a slacker in this game." HA!
again...HA! God, I can't wait to hear someone...anyone...make Heidi explain that statement
at the reunion show.

Rob, voting: "Two girls. One brain. Divide by two. Only one half-wit left." Watch out,
Rob. That other half-wit stole Heidi's half of the brain.

You know, for all of Rob's backstabbing, double-dealing, and alliance shifting, this is
the first time he's actually received any votes. And they came from his latest allies. As
Heidi loses the vote, Rob cops one last feel of her cute knee. So long, Heidi. I know I
should be sad. I mean, you've been such a great source of material for my ranting. But you
know, I just can't forgive you and Jenna for the things you did to Christy.

Next week: There is no next week! It all ends on Sunday! Moms, set your vcrs and go have a
nice dinner! There is no tomorrow! There _is_ no tomorrow!

What I expect to see at the reunion show on Sunday:

Heidi: "Tastes great!"
Jenna: "Less filling!"
Rob: "Probst, get those women a beer!"
Jeff: "Christy, how good did it feel, calling the Evil Stepsisters 'bitches' on Letterman
and not getting bleeped?"
Christy: "What's 'bleeped'?"
Butch: "My log has something to say..."
Rob: "Yeah. Don't play with matches."
Ryan: "Dude!"Daniel: "Dude!"
Joanna: "Hallelujah!" Okay, I sooooooo don't want to hear anything ever again from Joanna,
but I'll be amazed if she doesn't let loose with even a single shout.

05-11-2003, 05:17 PM
With my limited attention span I've yet to read one of your endless posts but with the survivor finaly (sp) about half an hour from beginning I have to words left to say in this thread.......


05-12-2003, 11:48 AM
It turned out to be true as unbelieveable as it was. I was so shocked to see that Matt lost. He played better; won multi challanges, gave of himself, worked harder than most, and was a most honest person under the circumstances. I am going to ask her on live chat how could it be about who needs the money more?

11-24-2003, 07:47 PM
"Snakes...why does it always have to be snakes?"
"The Reward That Wasn't"
"The One That Got Away" (sorry, too obvious to ignore)
"Swimming With Shark"

Rupert: "I love being the baddest hunter out there. I never give up. I
never surrender. I never admit defeat."
Jeff: "Oh, Rupert takes a hard fall!"
Bruton: "Good luck, Rupe." Shut up, you backstabbing [censored].

I think the nicest thing I can say right now is that I just picked up
the new Beatles "Let It Be: Naked" cd, and the new "Finding Nemo" and
"The Two Towers: Extended Edition" DVDs and I shall console myself with
them and some leftover pizza on Friday. Humph

Night 24. The traps are all set. The perimeter is secure. Yet there is a
feeling of unease, as though some hole was left open. A hole just big
enough...for a snake to get through.

Rupert: "Night time is my one bad time." Uh oh, Rupert's starting out on
a negative note. Bad, very bad. And his soliloquy is reminiscent of
Mac's (played by Bill Duke, brilliant, underrated, and currently
co-starring in ABC's "Karen Sisco", which will return to the airwaves as
soon as the Alphabets remove their heads from their asses) from the
movie "Predator". It's even got that same fake night time blue light.
Only difference is that Mac was lamenting the loss of Badass Blaine and
his Cannon of Painless, while ol' Rupert is lamenting, well, himself?

Rupert: "At night is when I think about my family. I miss my family. I
tell my wife, Laura, all my triumphs, all my woes. I tell Laura
Voice from behind log: "Hhhhhhsssssss...they are all againssssssssst
you, Ruperttttttsssssss."
Rupert: "That you, Shere Khan?"
Voice: "Nooooooo, it'sssssssss meeeeeee, Sssssmeagol. Gollum, Gollum."
Rupert: "Oh, hey Smeagol. Why are you here? It's too early to go
Smeagol: "I couldn't sleep. That Jon really irritatessss mee. I want him
to meet my friend, Shelob, but he refusssses."
Rupert: "Umm, okay, whatever. Look, I just want for everyone to see I am
the best damn Survivor there has ever been. I am it. I am the one."
Gollum: "You are the one? Truly? The Master calls. Why do you not
Rupert: "Not _that_ one, Smeagol Gollum or whatever your name is. You
sure you're not really Jon?"
Smeagol: "Smeagol isss ssssorry. Smeagol knows Rupert is the one."
Rupert: "I know. I know. I shouldn't think that way, though. I know, I
know. I hear you."
Christa: "Rupert? Who are you talking to?"
Rupert: "Huh? No one, I guess. Just myself."
Christa: "Well, stop it. You're scaring me. Now come to bed. I'm cold."
Rupert: "Yes, dear."

Okay, I guess this week's show was for those of us who didn't think last
week's was obvious enough. I mean, they don't just hit us over the head
with the "Rupert's Toast" sledgehammer, they do it repeatedly, and right
from the start. Anybody who didn't realize Rupert was gone by the first
commercial break just has not been paying attention. Rupert whines.
Rupert cries. Rupert longs for his family. The mental game is getting
him down. He tries to get comfortable on a big rock, away from Balboa,
away from his friends, away from his alliance. He is alone, apart.
Nothing is working for him anymore. And, to top it all off, the worst
possinle thing happens: his prized fishing skills fail him, and that
shark he so desperately wants, the one with the million dollar check
tied to it, slips silently away. Rupert's Spear of Destiny has at last

Meanwhile, Pissant Jon has found something new to be angry about: Rupert
and Christa's close, overt alliance. "Honestly, Rupert and Christa are
making me sick with their 'Baby, Baby, Bebe, Bebe' blah blah blah." See
Jon whine. Whine, Jon, whine. Yeah, Jon's jealous. He couldn't get a
woman like Christa on the best day of his life. And, even if he did, he
sure wouldn't know what to do with her or how to keep her around.

Jon: "I've been saying this in my head. I haven't vocally expressed this
thought. But I feel that Rupert, Christa, and Sandra have gotten to the
point of the old saying, 'Absolute power corrupts absolutely'. They are
so power-ridden, and they know it. The feel they are above the law."
Yeah, like you've never felt power-ridden before, right you pissant
scumbucket? How about your behavior at Tribal Council? Feeling powerful
then? God, I can't wait until you get voted off. I just hope they bring
garlic, a crucifix, and a wooden stake to finish the job.

See Jon and Burton. Jon and Burton scheme. Jon and Burton plot. Jon and
Burton plan. Jon decides to throw in with Burton and (what's left of )
Morgan, eliminate The Rupert Show, and worm his way into 3rd or 2nd
Place. Okay. Problem is, the Show will become the Jury, and they ain't
going to vote for your worthless butt. And I seriously doubt Rhino Ryno
will, either. Jon is going out of his way to make enemies when he
doesn't have to, and it will cost him.

Burton can't decide when the time is right to tell Tijuana and Darrah
that they're not next to go, if they stick with him. Umm, how about now?
I think they can keep a secret, especially one that ensures a few more
days of survival. The problem is Miss I-Have-A-Problem-With-Lying Lill.
I guess they'll just have to shut her up.

With Rupert away fishing, and Sandra and Christa off looking for more
lemons to use to create interesting Christa faces, Wolfram &amp; Hart, err,
Burton &amp; Jon hatch their devilish, anti-Rupert plan. And it's simple
enough: make like Darrah is going, no one breathe a word to the others,
vote off Rupert or Christa instead.

Burton: "Bottom line is, if those three are here in the end, none of us
will win." Well, duh. Because Rupert will win every immunity." Jealous
Lill: "I'd rather have one, two three..."
Darrah: "Me too."
Lill: "Three, four, five..." What is Lill doing, ordering Chinese food?
"Four, three, whatever." Lill? Lill, winning alliances this late in the
game usually involve superior numbers. That means five. F-I-V-E. Now,
how many fingers am I holding up? One? Dumbass.

Rupert returns home, sharkless, his bag empty.

Rupert: "I love being the baddest hunter out there. I never give up. I
never surrender. I never admit defeat." Osten, are you listening? You
know, I can think of no finer Christmas present for Osten than a t-shirt
with this Rupert quote emblazoned across the chest.

Reward Challange: umm, I'm not even going to try and explain this one,
except that there's climbing and pulling and bell ringing and people go
down while their partners go up and no, this isn't the Bravo Channel.
Burton tells us if he "happens" to win, he'll maintain the ruse of an
alliance with Drake by giving Rupert his reward. You know, cuz he feels
so bad about not even sneaking poor Rupert a slice of bacon last time.
"Burton promised me", Rupert assures us. Famous. Last. Words. Oh, and
their reward: an afternoon's worth of _deep_sea_fishing_, aboard a
catamaran, complete with pizza and beer. Gee, with all these expert
fisherpersons and all competing, too. So, unless Burton or Rupert wins,
I'm guessing that expensive ol' catamaran is going to end up becoming a
huge microwave oven and tanning salon. Go team.

Is it strange that Burton and Lill keep getting paired up? Or am I just
looking for conspiracies?

Jeff: "Jon, did you ring your bell?"
Jon: "Every chance I get, Probst." Oh, yuck. And, speaking of oh yuck,
how would you like to be the graphics artist in charge of blurring
Rupert's Balboa?

Jeff: "Who can complete their puzzle first? It is the flag right above
your head. That's what you're trying to recreate." Rupert looks up,
wasting precious seconds. Rupert, it's a skull and crossbones! The
puzzle is all black and white, and some of the pieces are shaped like
bones! What did you think it was, an Oakland Raiders flag?? Oh, wait,
lemme guess: you thought you could afford a few seconds' delay, because
Jon would use his puzzle-solving mental prowess to catch up? Rupert, are
you going to make me call you a dumbass? Cuz, you know, I don't wanna do
it, but I will...

Rupert tries to solve his puzzle by smashing the square block through
the triangular hole. Ok, that does it. Rupert, you're being a DUMBASS. I
know, I know, it's probably just because you've been standing next to
Pissant Jon for so long, but geez, try and have a little dignity, okay?

Jeff: "Burton and Lill win reward!" Ahhh, but what about Burton's
promise to Rupert? "You can keep it or if you want give it up to
somebody else, you can do that as well."
Lill: "I want to keep it. Sorry, guys." Yeah, we'll just sit here and
wait for all those lovely deep-sea fish you're going to catch for our
dinner, Lill.
Burton: "Jon." Jon? Promises, promises. Okay, seriously, if you still
don't realize that Rupert is toast this week, stop watching "Survivor"
and go back to "Supermarket Sweep". Really.
Burton, hugging Jon: "You better drink a 12-pack for me." Oh, yay, and
then Lill can have her way with Jon. Can we just blur out the whole boat
scene? Please?

Umm, you're not going to believe this, but this week's Dumbass Award
goes to...ME. I must have hit a wrong button while pausing, because I
lost the channel right here. It picks up again with that snake eating
the lizard, which means I missed Lill's breakdown with Jon, Sandra
hearing Jon and Burton conspiring, everything that happened on the boat,
and the entire Immunity Challenge. And, of course, since I've had two
decades of sleep apnea destroying my memory cells, I can't remember most
of what happened. O well, I'll try and slog along...

Burton said something about not wanting to give his reward to Rupert
because: a, Rupert already has enough food to eat (yeah, like you're now
an expert dietician, Burton); and b, he wants Rupert starving and
lethargic so he can "smoke" him in the IC. Well, okay, that's sound
reasoning, except that if Rupert already has enough to eat, what makes
you think he's suddenly going to become weak from starvation? Seems to
me Rupert has been able to catch anything that doesn't answer to the
name "Bruce", while we've only seen you catch, what, one fish and an
electric ray in the past week? I think the real reason you don't want
Rupert going is so you can keep an eye on him. And sticking Pissant Jon
on the boat means you don't have to worry (much) about him backstabbing
you for an afternoon.

I don't remember why exactly Lill started crying, so I guess it must
either be because she's upset over forming an anti-Rupert alliance, or
for not giving up her reward to someone "worthy". If it's the former,
hey, that's the game. You gotta shift alliances at some point. If you
can't deal, go back to Scouting. If it's the latter, well, yeah, maybe
it would have been nice to give up a _fishing_ reward to someone who can
actually _fish_, but you won fair and square (not triangle, Rupert,
square), and certainly no one will be angry with you over it.

I don't remember at all what was said between Jon and Burton, but I do
remember Burton saying something that made me snort my miso soup, and I
was pissed at Burton for making me feel what it's like to have tofu in
my nose. Wish I could remember what he said...

I don't think much happened on the boat. Jon had pizza, Lill had pizza,
I had pizza (Ameci's, with sausage, meatball, salami, onion, green
pepper, and sliced tomato. Yum!), we all had pizza. Then Lill had I
think a small sip of domestic beer, got earthshatteringly drunk, and
tried her Dance of the Seven Scout Badges for Jon. But all Jon wanted to
do was talk strategy, and Lill gave her standard "Just tell me what you
want me to do" response. Lill, ever the sheep.

I know they had a scene of Rupert and Lill at night, with Rupert trying
to get info from Lill. Geez, how pathetic is it when your only hope is
to get Lill to confess? I remember Lill saying "uh huh" and "no" a lot,
but not offering up details. I guess if she just denies everything to
Rupert, she can ease her guilty conccience while sharpening her knife.

Don't even ask me what happened at the Immunity Challenge. I was looking
up something while it was on. I figured it would come down to lung
power, which meant Rupert vs. Burton. I also remember thinking it wasn't
fair that they used an unmoving dartboard, since most of the darts would
tend downward, which would give an advantage to anyone with their name
in the top half, right? Is that how it played out? Were the last people
eliminated those with their names in the upper half? I do remember
Burton being given the chance to give up his Immunity. Yeah, right, like
that's ever going to happen again.

Okay, back to the tape...

The metaphorical snake has the hapless, still breathing lizard by the
neck. Cut to the snake grabbing the lizard back by its hind leg. Cut to
the the snake at the neck again. Sheesh, will ya make up yer mind
already? What are you, a neck or a leg snake? Lousy sledgehammer

More Rupert complaining. More Rupert acknowledging Burton's prowess.
More Burton and Jon making plans. God, I hope the women band together in
an Amazonian revolt and boot their anti-Rupert asses off next week. One
of them, anyway.

Jon: "I promised him [Rupert] that I wouldn't write his name down again.
A promise to me to be broken about as easily as a fat woman on wicker
furniture." He looks into the camera, smiles. Yes, ladies, amazingly
enough, Jon is still single.

Back to the metaphor, whereupon the lizard has decided to give the snake
a little head. A little lizard head, that is. As the camera moves in, we
see five tiny black swords sticking out of the lizard's back.

Rupert thinks Burton has Darrah, Tijuana, and Jon on his side, while
Rupert has Sandra, Christa, and Lill on his, which would result in a tie
at Tribal Council.

Rupert: "Lill has been the key figure in a lot of votes lately." Okay,
Rupert, if that's the case, why haven't you promised her anything better
than 6th Place? Even if you had to lie and make a side deal or two,
isn't that better for you than sitting back and letting Burton sway her?
You know Jon had her alone for an entire afternoon, and he's clearly
against you. Don't you think he's been working on her? Why aren't you
doing the same? Why risk a tie when you want a solid majority? Do you
really want your fate decided by a colored rock?

Sandra: "All along he's [Burton] said it's going to be the Strong Five,
and then we separate from there." And she believes him. But didn't she
overhear Burton and Jon conspiring against Rupert earlier? What, she
thought they were lying to each other then? Because of course Burton
wouldn't lie to her now, right? Sheesh. Meanwhile, the snake has nearly
consumed the entire lizard. Sledgehammer.

Tribal Council: have we ever seen a TC where _all_ the questions were
about a single player before? Can they possibly make it any more
obvious? Sledgehammer! Yes, everyone says, Rupert catches a lot of fish,
but he's not the only fisherman around. Translation: we're prepared to
starve on stingrays and lemons if we have to.

Jeff: "Who here is getting a free ride?"
Sandra: "Let it be known thjat Jon wakes up at noon, and then he goes
under the bushes. He has a secret spot where he takes an additional
nap." Jon has a look of feigned disbelief. Bus-ted. "I have yet to see
him wash a dish, or even clean a fish."
Jeff: "Jon, she pointed a big ol' fat finger at you."
Jon: "That's fine, she gives me a headache. I could care less. It's all
about her." Yeah, like hell you could care less. How much you want to
bet Jon screams and bitches to Sandra at the beginning of the next
episode? How much you want to bet she's now next on his list to go? I'm
sure he thought he was sooooo smart, pulling one over on everyone with
his secret napping bush. Maybe they should make Jon go out fishing for
the day, and then chew him out when he returns empty-handed.

Here's how the voting went, with comments:

Christa (votes for Darrah): "It's your time to go, you're not part of
the Drake tribe, and you're the next one."

Sandra (votes for Jon): "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. And I know
you have it out for me. But guess what, before I go home, you will be
going home." Umm, Sandra? Was that part of the plan? Did you forget
Rupert was going for a tie vote? Did your emotions overwhelm you? Did
you think Burton was still on your side? How many times must you
overhear him conspiring against your alliance before you realize he's
sizing you up for a backstabbing?

Rupert (votes for Darrah): "A Morgan has to go tonight, and the other
two work harder than you."

Burton (votes for Rupert): "Our island is not big enough for the two of
us. And I don't have plans to go anywhere anytime soon."

Tijuana (votes for Rupert): "First of all, good blessings to you, Laura
and Raya and your boys. This message goes to you. First of all because
you're a threat and obviously you have put the Drake tribe members
before all of us, including the Morgan tribe members and me. And we
don't have a fair shot in any fashion. Yourself, Christa and Sandra,
you've been a little too overconfident that you guys have it in the bag.
But the Drake tribe members came and crawled over. And inside you guys
don't. Good blessings to you and I'll see you on the other side."

Jonny [censored] (votes Rupert): "To be the man, you've got to beat the
man. Woooo!" Geez, yet another UPN wrestling quote. And yes, ladies,
he's _still_ single.

Darrah (votes for Rupert): "Rupert I'm voting for you because there is
NO longer a Drake alliance NO more. And I know you're going to be
totally shocked by. But thanks for the good fish and feeding my tummy."

Lill (votes for Rupert): "It was a selfish move, I should have sent
Rupert. He deserves to go. He should go. And I'm just being selfish and
I just buried myself right here by going." Yeah, okay, I guess that's
why she broke down earlier. But geez, get over it. Rupert can have all
the food he wants in about ten minutes. And it's
all...because...of...you. And Sandra. Yeah, Sandra, you better be
shocked. You done [censored] up Big Time. You not only sank Rupert's
galleon, but your own as well.

Rupert: "Lill has been the key figure in a lot of votes lately." Yup,
she sure has. Bye, Rupert. I'll miss you. Mostly because I now have to
suffer through weeks of the scintillatingly sagacious, erudite loquacity
of Darrah and Lill.

Rupert: "I cannot believe that." Yeah, I'm with ya, buddy. And we'll
also have to endure Jon and Burton swaggering along, telling us ad
nauseum what Rupert-conquering badasses they are. Not to mention Christa
and Sandra, sitting in some far corner, weeping and wondering which of
them is going next. (Pppssst! It's Christa! Sandra is no threat to win

Wow, no "Clearly your tribal alliances have shattered" comments from
Jeff. No comment at all. I think he just saw the ratings drop. Good
thing Sweeps Month is over!

Next Week: Jon is devastated with some distressing news. Yeah, right.
Cry me a river. I bet he's faking. I couldn't care less if his entire
world collapsed. Sandra was right. And Burton accuses Christa of
sabotaging something. But what? His ego? And gee, I wonder who fingers
Christa to Burton, anyway? I'm betting it's Jon.

Oh, and since Rupert is supposed to be off taping "All-Star Survivor",
I'm betting he won't make an "Early Show" appearance today.

Hey Rupe,
Don't make it bad.
Take your lit torch,
And smack Jon in the face.
Even Jesus Christ couldn't win
There's more important things in life
Than a million dollars.

Hey Rupe, don't be afraid.
You've been accepted
By all of America.
The best man
To ever compete on the show.
You'll never ever be
An outcast again.

John Dalton is a cold man
John Dalton is a cold man
Tijuana Bradley is a cold fish
Tijuana Bradley is a cold fish
Darrah Johnson is a colder fish

And any time you feel the pain,
Hey Rupe, refrain.
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know they're all fools
Who play it cool.
They're making the island a little colder.

Burton Roberts is a cold man
Burton Roberts is a cold man
Lill Morris is a dumb bitch
Lill Morris is a dumb bitch

Jon Dalton is a cold man
Jon Dalton is a cold man
Dead or Alive?
Jon Dalton is a dead man

Hey, Rupe, don't let me down.
Still have your family,
They will always love you.
Remember, don't shut us out of your heart
You're one of us now, and that's forever.

(Sincere apologies to Messrs. McCartney and Jackson)

Hey, I told you I was President of the San Fernando Valley Chapter of
the Rupert Boneham Fan Club, right?


12-07-2003, 04:20 PM
"The Lord of the Lies: Return of the Dumbasses"
"...and this time, I mean it"
"Dumbass Fantasy Island"
"Invasion of the Morphing Pod People Dumbass Snatchers"
"Dumbass Me? Blunderbuss You!"

Christa: "You think Jon would lie?" "I don't know whether or not to
believe him, 'cause I can't believe him ever." "I really hope he's
telling us the truth. Probably not. I don't know." Jeez Louise, what a
complete moron. And here I was, a few episodes back, thinking she was
actually playing the game well. I simply cannot believe that, after
everything that has occured, she still harbors doubts regarding Pissant.
Well, all I have to say is....

Bye, Christa. You're obviously extremely clueless and playing a very
weak hand. The only reason you and not Sandra are going tonight is
because you can swim (and are physically stronger, but really, Sandra is
helpless in the water. She's no threat.)

Sandra: "Whenever I hear 'wet' and 'water', that's awful for me." Oh,
good. So glad you signed up to compete on a desert island then.

Sandra: "She [Darrah] voted for Burton last night. She shouldn't have a
problem voting for him today or tomorrow." But that's before you and
Christa backstabbed her, as per Pissant's wishes. What the hell makes
you think she'll ever believe you again?

Darrah: "I'm sure there will be a bunch of different ones comin' up to
me, tryin' to sway votes an' stuff. But I'm just gonna like, play it,
you know, let them come up to me an' see what's goin' on. An' then I'll
decide what I need to do after that." Good lord, Darrah just morphed
from Amber into Vecepia.

Sandra: "Jon is just like...a girl." Yeah, an evil bitchy scheming white
trash no account lowdown lying piece of excrement girl.

Meanwhile, Burton catches lunch. No one else is shown catching lunch.
"Lunch" consists of a single stingray and two fish. Bet you're all glad
you voted off Rupert and his twelve-fish-a-day minimum, huh? Everyone
knows that, if they vote Burton off, the camp will quickly be reduced to
a pile of starving, complaining, whining backstabbers. Oh, wait...it
already is.

Reward Challenge. Pissant reads the sea mail, presumably because Lill
has forgotten how to read in her 31 days of fun. As soon as Jeff says
"water obstacle course", I wonder which team Sandra is on, because
they're going to lose. Sure enough, they do. Unfortunately, we still
have to sit through a horrifically long challenge, just to be sure. It
actually becomes close at the end, when Pissant is forced to do
something physical (lift, tilt, and push with your legs, dumbass), and
of course there was the hope someone would forget to blur out Christa
and Darrah's bits and pieces, but otherwise, another useless challenge.

Herve: "Boss, boss! De plane, de plane!"
Ricardo: "Yes, I see. Tell me, Tattoo, who do we have this week?
Sycophants? Pod people? Chameleons? Dumbasses? Lying scumbags?"
Herve: "Yes, boss."
Ricardo: "Then they must be Survivors! Tell me, what are their
fantasies? Do any involve Chrysler Cordovas, with soft Corinthian
Herve: "First, we have Lillian. Her fantasy is to spend a night as Peter
Pan in Never Never Land. She wants to have no responsibilities
whatsoever. She wants to be waited on, hand and foot. She wants her food
ordered by others, cucumbers placed over her entire body, and she wants
a room with a strong bed so she can jump on it all night long."
Ricardo: "I think we can handle that."
Herve: "Ah, no boss. We got a problem."
Ricardo: "Really? What?"
Herve: "It's her granny pants. They're scaring away all the help."
Ricardo: 'Well, can't she remove them?"
Herve: "That would be worse."
Ricardo: "We'll work on it. Who's next?"
Herve: "Next we have the lovely Ms. Darrah. I am not certain exactly
what her fantasy is, since she keeps mumbling and sluring her words. But
I think it involves sitting quietly, doing nothing, and winning a
million dollars."
Ricardo: "But isn't she already doing that?"
Herve: "Yes, but she keeps shifting personalities. Yesterday she was
Amberesque, and today she is Vecepian. By tomorrow, who knows? She may
turn a delightful shade of Colby. And each personality wants to win the
Ricardo: "Tattoo, where do you find these people? They sound like 'Big
Brother' rejects."
Herve: "This is what's left. They already voted off the interesting
Ricardo: *sigh* "Okay, who's next? He looks like a lying ratfaced
Herve: "That's Pissant. His fantasy is easy. He wants to spend the night
with a woman."
Ricardo: "Really? Why, hasn't he done that before? He looks healthy
enough. No obvious diseases. Terrible overbite, but that should not be
much of a problem."
Herve: "Well, you see, he thinks all women love wrestling as much as he
does. He worships wrestlers. Especially older, even retired ones. He
often repeats their tag lines and tactics when dealing with others. It's
very UPN."
Ricardo: "He worships them, you say? And yet he wants to be with women?
Sounds more like he'd want to be with Butthead."
Herve: "No, boss. Butthead didn't win the challenge. And Beavis here is
in some serious denial."
Ricardo: "I think we can fulfill all of their fantasies by locking them
in the guest house until morning. With any luck, the women will come to
their senses and kill the Pissant. Shh, here they come now."
Herve: "Okay, boss."
Ricardo: "Hello, I am Mr. Rourke, your host. Welcome to Dumbass Fantasy

Wow, was that too long or what?

Sandra: "Jon said if we saved you [Burton] that Darrah and Lill were
gone." What? Okay, lemme get this straight. You're trying to shore up an
alliance with Burton, based on what Pissant said? The same Pissant you
said was untrustworthy and a liar and who you chewed out in front of
everyone and who has openly, repeatedly said that you and Christa should
go next? That's what you're basing this on? Why, because you think you
all have Shared Mutual Interests alluvasudden? And why Burton? Hasn't he
made his intentions clear enough by now? What happened to your plans for
a Womens' Alliance? You've got a 4-2 advantage! Have you such little
faith in your own survival skills? Can't any of you catch a fish??? No,
I guess you're only good at dumping fish and deflecting attention,
aren't you.

Burton: "Ok. But I haven't even talked to Jon. He just said..." Oh for
the love of pizza. Look who just became another pod person. When did you
cede authority to the Puppet Master, Butthead? Did he pull his Jedi mind
trick on you during the night? Or are you just trying to make him the
bad cop by telling everyone he's running the game now? As if thet'll
help you. If you go up against him in the F2, you may have just lost two
votes by seeming to be the weak victim here. Don't count on the old
Drake Alliance.

Sandra: "Let it be known that if it wasn't for me and Christa, Burton
would not be here today. You would think, that that would count for
something." Yeah, it shows how well you've been played. You had your
chance last week, but you let poor Pissant's granny mess with your head.
And you blew it. You deserve everything that's not coming to you.

Christa: "This is hard. I tell you, I can't tell when people are lying
anymore." Geez, could you ever? The only reason you've made it this far
is that you hid behind Rupert and Sandra for a month. You see what
happens at Tribal Council, you don't question people's motives or votes,
you let Burton bully you about the stupid fish, I mean...whatever.
Goodbye, Christa. You're too honest, open, and clueless to be of much
use to anyone anymore, and your physical strength makes you too much of
a threat. So long, and thanks for the fish.

Christa: "That conversation with Burton was a real eye opener for me. I
saw the light, suddenly." You saw your torch, seconds before Jeff
snuffed it out. "We're not here to make best friends; we're not here to
do anything like that." Best friends? With this bunch? Oh god, you're
one of those "I'm here for the experience" treehuggers, aren't you?

guLillble: "It was so nice to be able to open a menu and to be able to
read. I did remember how to read, after all this time." Yeah, slowly,
with your mouth wide open. Hooked On Phonics means Hooked For Life.

guLillble: "What about clams?"
Pissant: "Chicken fingers would be a good appetizer."
guLillble: "Chicken fingers would be a good appetizer." Copy/Paste: it's
a good thing.
Pissant: "You will stop wearing granny panties."
guLillble: "I will stop wearing granny panties."
Pissant: "You will worship me and shower with me and vote for me to win
and let me touch your bottom."
guLillble: "Don't push it."

guLillble: "I love a man that takes over." Too bad there's none around.
"I like when a guy takes the initiative." Well, there's Lill in a
nutshell (or basketcase, take yer pick). Whichever guy speaks for her
first, jumps right in and makes all her decisions right away, that's
where she'll go. Could've been Rupert, but it was Burton and then
Pissant instead, and here we are.

Pissant: "I'm a great date." Still single, brings in Big Gay Al to
spread lies about his dead grandmother, uses badly outdated wrestling
taglines at the drop of a torch. A prime candidate for an internet
dating service.

Oh, a word here. Last season, I accused EvilBitchQueen Jenna of lying
about her dying mother in order to get ahead in the game. Which I still
think she did, but, as it turned out, she was being honest: her mother
did pass away recently. So, I apologize a bit; I'm sorry. At least you
were speaking the truth when you brought your dying relative into the
game, Jenna. And I thought you the lowest of low. I was wrong.

Pissant: "As Lill said, I'm much more than just a pretty face." Yeah,
you're a despicable, gutless, contemptable weasel, too.

Lill tells Pissant and Ambervecepian everything she learned from Christa
and Sandra. Lill demonstrates she will tell anyone everything whenever
they ask. Don't think that is lost on Darrah.

Pissant: "I had to swear on my grandmother [when making promises to
Christa and Sandra]." Note that he does not say "grandmother's grave",
keeping with his strategythat he himself never actually say his
grandmother is dead, so long as he has others (Lill) unwittingly doing
his bidding. And of course guLillble plays right along, never analyzing,
never questioning. Ambervecepian sits quietly, eyes darting, taking it
all in. Later, Pissant tells us he told them one of his "grandmother's
last wishes was that [he] win." (laughs) What a fine, sterling example
of all the best qualities we humans cherish Pissant is.

Lill jumps up and down on the bed. Her fantasy is fullfilled. Now we see
why she was a Scoutmaster: she shared a maturity level with her troop.
Later, we'll see her pout, hog the bed, and fling her oatmeal all over
the kitchen.

Pissant: "Lill is the queen of standing on the catwalk." Huh? And why
would saying so upset Lill?

guLillble: "Jon talked down to me like I'm some...idiot." No, child.
Which you are. Lill thinks Pissant may now be separating himself from
her. Oh, good. So her next logical move should be to corner Burton and
make him commit to her, right? lol Geez, Lill, talk about cutting
strings. Good thing there's others to get rid of first, huh.

Christa: "I was thinking about Darrah. I tell you, after that challenge
[which Darrah won because Burton couldn't spell 'liaison'] I fear her
most in something like that [because, you know, they're just liable to
have _another_ Survivor Scrabble challenge in the final week] 'cause I
think she has a good chance of winning." Especially if she keeps her
mouth shut, her eyes open, and doesn't go around making enemies the way
everyone says you have, editing be damned.

Christa: "Darrah _was_ a cheerleader, you know." Uh oh, we know what
happened to the last cheerleader to play "Survivor". Is Ambervecepian
now morphing into Jenna!?!

Butthead Burton: "Without having talked to Jon, I have no idea what's
going on." Yup, chowderhead. Just can't make a decision anymore, can
you? Even when Christa has _finally_ realized she'd better start cutting
deals, even offering up Sandra, you can't move a single...muscle. While
looking for mussels. Maybe you'll find one that'll get your ass in gear.
"I really want you to go to the Top Four." "And you've got my word on
that." AND SHE BELIEVES HIM. Christa, there's a whole lot more than your
nose that's stuffed up, isn't there.

Pissant talks to Darrah about a Final Two. He talks and talks, and talks
and talks. She nods her head, and I think she may have squeaked out a
"no", but I'm not certain. Finally, Pissant says, "This conversation
never took place." What conversation?

Darrah: "I won't say anything else about it." Well _that_ should be
easy. Okay, so Pissant now has single alliances with Darrah, Burton, and
Lill (tentative, crumbling), as well as a group alliance with all three.
I hate to say it, but he's starting to look like Brian. I'd still take a
sleazeball used car salesman/ softcore porn star over Pissant any day,
though. "Jonny, he's a snake, he lies, but, he also tells the truth,
too. And I know he's not sitting here, lying to me about going to the
Final Two." Yeah, and he didn't lie about Christa last week. Or about
his grandmother. Or about any of the other alliances he's made. At least
snakes don't screw you over before they kill you.

Butthead finally gets a chance to get his marching orders from Beavis.
"Who's next?" "Christa's next." And there you have it. There is no one
likeable left. Everyone has willingly turned over their fates to a known
liar, all on the basis that he's not lying to _them_. Sorta like when
you think everyone in Congress is a lying sonofabitch except for _your_
representitive. What is it with this collective will sapping? Too much
sunshine? Large pods in the bushes? Spending too much time watching Fox
News Channel? What? Well, anyway, I guess unless these people wake up,
and soon, the entire game will come down to which person Pissant Beavis
thinks he stands the best chance against before the jury. Now, will
someone _please_ call Johnnie Cochran?

guLillble: "Are you still thinking that we're the Final Two?"
Butthead: "I'm really not thinking -- I don't want to think that far in
advance." Translation: I only get marching orders on a need-to-know
guLillble: "Okay, you're telling me you've had second thoughts." Well,
no, because that would imply first thoughts.
Butthead: "That's not true, I think." lol "I can't think two Tribal
Councils in advance." Burton, right now you can't think two hours in
advance. What happened to your good cop/bad cop routine? Why not start
planting some anti-Pissant seeds now, so when Lill has to make a
decision she'll choose you? Who are you going to turn to if Pissant
starts favoring JennAmbervecepian?
guLillble: "I can't help but feeling you're having second thoughts."
Butthead: "Lill, that is all in your head. I am not having thoughts."
guLillble: "I may have to win Immunity at the end." You mean Final
Immunity, which is usually one huge endurance challenge? Yeah, right,
like that's ever going to happen.

Immunity Challenge: shooting off your Blunderbuss. Might as well be
called Darrahcantmiss. Funny thing about the Blunderbuss guns they use:
one definition of the word is "a stupid, blundering fellow". I think we
have enough of those to go around. Oh, and Ryno, if you're reading this,
and you still want a shot at Darrah after she dumps Mr.Can't Remember
Her Favorite Meal? Well, she's a great shot. I'm just sayin'.

Did the same people who fired low during the blowgun competition also
fire low with their Blunderbusses? And are all cheerleaders that good
with guns? Scary.

Christa narrowly misses Immunity by hitting a wood frame. Darrah doesn't
miss a thing and wins. My god, is she now morphing yet again, this time
into ColbyJennAmbervecepian? Is there no stopping her? Please, spare the

Christa: "I almost won Immunity. I almost almost always win Immunity,
but that's never good enough." Christa's hair is...something that would
scare the Bride of Frankenstein. Does she have it all done up so it
won't get in the way when she pokes her head through the guillotine?
"Right when you think something, things go completely opposite."
Especially when "thinking" involves trusting known scumbag liars.

Sandra tries one last time to strike a deal with Darrah, who again she
betrayed last week. Darrah plays along, telling her she's voting off
Lill. Note: Darrah could have forced a tie here, although it would have
jeopardized her alliances with Beavis and Butthead. It would be nice to
see a tie once in a while, wouldn't it?

Sandra: "Jon is a snake. Jon will never be anything other than a snake.
But the fact is that Christa keeps telling me 'Sandra, I honestly
believe him. He swore on his _grandmother_ [note: not his grandmother's
_grave_...isn't anyone listening???], therefore he can't be lying.'" She
believes him, you believe her, you're both dumbasses, please return your
Everlasting Gobstoppers, we have some lovely parting gifts for you all.

Tribal Council: more useless, time-wasting questions and answers. Burton
gives a speech about lying and deception, Rupert rolls his eyes, Christa
admits to a few lies, Sandra doesn't want to go up against Lill in a F2.
Lill apparently wants the jury to consider her ability to strategize.
I'm sure Rupert rolled his eyes again here, but they did not show it.
Christa admits to having rubbed people the wrong way; again, they never
showed that, either. Editing is great. I should use it sometime. Here's
how they voted:

Pissant (votes Christa): "Whether you like it or don't like it, learn
to love it, 'cause it's the best thing going today. Hoooo!" Jonny

Lill (votes Krista): "Outside of this game, you and I could be really
good friends. But you've become just more of a threat physically. So I'm
writing your name down now." Which is what I was told to do, having
neither mind nor will of my own.

Christa (votes Lill): "Uhhh, hopefully everybody else is doing the same
thing and voting for you. You're too nice. Bye." 'Hopefully'. Geez.

Burton (votes Christa): "This is purely a strategic vote. You're a real
strong competitor. And I've got to keep going in the game." I don't need
you anymore. Sandra, you're next.

Darrah (votes Christa): "Christa, I'm voting for you because this is
what my alliance came up with I know we had differences but it was great
getting to know you." Umm, whatever.

Sandra (votes Lill): "Lill, we've had our differences. Or shall we say
I've always been the one to disrespect you and you've always treated me
with kindness. This is totally strategic because I'd hate to go up
against you. You're too much of a kind person and I know they'd just
hand you the money and I can't have that happen. Adios." Killed with
kindness, a week early.

Adios, Christa.

Did Christa actually say during her final words that she was surprised
at getting voted off? You mean you got that horrible hair style because
you thought you were safe? Yeesh, it looks like you've got one of those
Alien facehuggers perched atop your noggin'.

Six days left,
Five skilled liars,
Four more votes,
Three jury spots,
Two episodes to go,
And a lying scumbag Puppet Master...

Next week: "I swear on my grandmother. I swear, I swear, I swear." Funny
how the person he always says that to ends up getting voted off...

A few tidbits from Christa's "Early Show" spot:


To a caller, she further explained, “The women just weren’t going for
it. Especially Lil; she is allied with Burton. They were both Outcasts.
I mean, it was kind of hard to turn the tables there.”

As for Darrah, Christa says, “Darrah just sat there. She talks about
food all day long and that’s about it. No strategy. Doesn’t really care
about the game as long as she gives a vote to somebody. Apparently, it’s
working big-time. All I ever heard her talk about was chocolate chip
cookies and getting a boob job.”

That leaves the question of Jon. Did Christa really believe his
grandmother story?

She says, “I did think that possibly he could be lying. I mean, as you
can see, it’s a family reward challenge that Sandra and I were the only
two people who were rolling our eyes the whole time. It seemed a little
fake, the whole presentation. But then again, it’s kind of really
something that’s hard to prove. So just like the whole sabotaging with
the fish, you can’t really prove that I didn’t do it. But, then again,
how am I going to prove that Jon is lying about his grandma?”

On to the issue of the fish: Sandra comes back after Rupert gets kicked
off and knocks over the fish and the blame is on Christa.

Christa says everybody was convinced she did it: “I mean, I was almost
convinced I did it.”