View Full Version : Feel like bash something so i'll pick on da french

03-03-2003, 02:40 PM

All about french war`s

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

03-03-2003, 06:20 PM
The French really suck at this whole war thing. Their also so easy to pick on because they suck at just about everything, after the winter olympics in Salt Lake City we determined they suck at the last possible thing that we weren't sure if they sucked at-judging /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

03-03-2003, 07:24 PM
check this out VERY funny


03-03-2003, 10:23 PM
/ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif
I nearly fell out of my seat when I saw that one, it actually asked if you meant French Military defeats, if you put that in you would find more information than you would know what to do, I'll get back to laughing my a$$ off now!
/ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

03-04-2003, 03:13 AM
hehehe that was funny huh? maybe i can find one on the Turks, but then again they have a much better military history then the French /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

03-04-2003, 05:52 AM
Howdy nAz,
French women are love Machines!cheers
Vagabond /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

03-04-2003, 07:43 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Vagabond:</font><hr> Howdy nAz,
French women are love Machines!cheers
Vagabond /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif <hr /></blockquote>

I'd heard that, but around here it's easier to buy condoms than gas masks so I'll probably never know for sure /ccboard/images/graemlins/laugh.gif


03-04-2003, 09:05 PM
Um......who doesn't have a better military than the French. I think even us Canadians could take them, hell were 1-0 against you guys /ccboard/images/graemlins/tongue.gif, since then we've just outsmarted you guys for the past 191 years /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

03-06-2003, 12:26 PM
I agree V! Who could argue against any culture that popularized the "manage et troi". It's got to be a hell of a lot more fun than what i got........the "Manage et une" LOL St.

03-12-2003, 09:01 PM
"Going to war without France is like going duck hunting without your accordion."

~ Donald Rumsfeld, U.S. Secretary of Defense

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"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac,
~ President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh

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"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

~ Argus Hamilton

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"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"

Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

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"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq."

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?"

~ Dennis Miller

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Raise your right hand if you like the French...

Raise both hands if you are French.

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"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates Americans, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."

~ Conan O'Brien

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"I don't know why people are surprised the French don't want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France."

~ Jay Leno

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Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

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"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."

~ David Letterman

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"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried."

~ Rep. R. Blount (MO)

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"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."

~ John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

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"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."

~ Alan Kent

03-14-2003, 02:39 PM
Ok here are some more /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lecter

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again. BAhahahaha /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

The only navel victory that the French had in it's long history is the blowing-up of the Rainbow Warrior in New Zealand.

Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?

A. You can make soldiers out of toast.

Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?

A. So the French can show them how to surrender.

Q. How do you get a trombone to sound like a French horn?

A. Stick your hand in the bell and mess up all the notes.

Q. Why are the French so afraid of war?

A. You would be too if you never won one in your history.

A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The barman says "That's an real ugly bird you've there. Where did u get it?"

The parrot says "I got it in France ... There's millions of 'em there"

The French still need more proof that Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery.

08-10-2003, 04:18 PM
An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty
flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief.

Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

08-10-2003, 04:59 PM
....and you all talk about respect.

Any body ever heard of WW1 or the French resistance?

America has been insulated from the horrors of war. Its always been somewhere else. You only see it on TV.
9/11 was a wake up call .

Nobody has woken up .

Whats the American war record? Which war has America won on its own ?

08-10-2003, 10:10 PM
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

Got to love Patton. There was a man who didnt mince many words.

08-11-2003, 12:09 AM
Watch what you say or the USA may invade your country. It doesn't take much to get the USA to invade another country these days.