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TomBrooklyn
03-21-2003, 03:45 PM
Heres one to get things started:
She sounds like a party girl.
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Drunk Women Wakes Up On Ice Floe
March 12, 2003

A RUSSIAN woman who celebrated International Women's Day with a little too much alcohol found herself adrift on an ice-floe in the middle of St Petersburg's Neva River, emergency ministry officials said today.

The woman, identified as 46-year-old Valentina, set off to cross the frozen river on foot after imbibing a generous libation in honour of the day devoted to the fair sex, which is a national holiday in Russia. But she soon found that the ice on which she was walking had become detached and was drifting.

Unfazed, she settled down for a snooze while awaiting rescue. Police who eventually rescued her had feared finding a frozen corpse, officials said. In addition to flowers and candy, women's day in Russia is accompanied - like most other holidays - by a generous intake of alcohol.

The Associated Press

snipershot
03-21-2003, 09:10 PM
Miscellaneous news would be the right word, sounds like she had far to much drink, crossing a frozen river on foot while your hammered /ccboard/images/graemlins/confused.gif Would've been screwed if she went under- no wait she was probably so drunk she thought booze and swimming make quite a combination /ccboard/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

TomBrooklyn
03-26-2003, 02:21 PM
MAN IN CALIF. SUES TOM RIDGE OVER DUCT TAPE ADVICE
- Corona, CA(Corona Times)
Tom Ridge's advice to Americans to stock up on duct tape and plastic has sparked a lawsuit which has been filed against him, the Department of Homeland Security and President George W. Bush. Steven J. Bosell, the owner of B & B Construction in Corona, California, has filed a lawsuit claiming emotional distress, personal injury and sexual disfunction after he wrapped his "privates" in duct tape to protect them from a biological attack.

"After watching Mr. Ridge on television advising us to stock up on duct tape and plastic, I went to the local Costco and bought $100 worth of duct tape to protect myself", Bosell said. "When I got home, I taped up my windows and doors. After I did that I realized survivors like myself are going to reproduce and populate the Earth after a biological attack, we have to protect our privates as well."

Bosell claimed in his lawsuit he wrapped his "privates" in duct tape as test of "Homeland Security". When he tried to remove the tape, Bosell injured himself when the tape began peeling off skin and body hair. After calling an ambulance, Bosell was taken to the hospital where the doctors and nurses laughed at him.

"I told the doctors and nurses at the hospital if they laughed, I would file a lawsuit against them and the hospital. They laughed anyways and I now have another lawsuit pending" Bosell said with tears streaming down his face. "They went out their way to make me look like a fool. Once I saw the doctors scalpel go toward my privates, I totally lost it and blacked out".

Also named in the lawsuit is the President of the United States, George W. Bush. "President Bush is just as liable for injury to my reproductive future because he hired Mr. Ridge to run the Department of Homeland Security and Mr. Ridge gave the nation bad advice. They also made me look like a fool." Bosell sobbed.

The Department of Homeland Security and the Bush Administration have no comment on Mr. Bosell's lawsuit.
/ccboard/images/graemlins/blush.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/blush.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/blush.gif
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/ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif I predict that the plaintiff will lose this case by dismissal. The court will note that Mr. Bosell owned a construction company, a profession that often utilizes duct tape and likely made him knowledgable about it's properties and cognizant of the detrimental effects of wrapping sensitive parts of the body it; and further, the fact that he was aware of looking like a fool indicates that he knew what he was doing was foolish. /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Rich R.
03-27-2003, 05:11 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote TomBrooklyn:</font><hr> /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif I predict that the plaintiff will lose this case by dismissal. The court will note that Mr. Bosell owned a construction company, a profession that often utilizes duct tape and likely made him knowledgable about it's properties and cognizant of the detrimental effects of wrapping sensitive parts of the body it; and further, the fact that he was aware of looking like a fool indicates that he knew what he was doing was foolish. /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif <hr /></blockquote>You don't have to own a construction company, to know that removal of duck tape, from delicate body parts, is going to hurt. /ccboard/images/graemlins/blush.gif

I won't comment on the part about, "looking like a fool", for fear of a lawsuit against me. /ccboard/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

TomBrooklyn
04-02-2003, 02:17 PM
'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Yahoo Weekly World News (http://tv.yahoo.com/news/wwn/20030319/104808600007.html)
Wednesday March 19, 2003
By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft." However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.

heater451
04-02-2003, 03:00 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote TomBrooklyn:</font><hr> . . .They also made me look like a fool." Bosell sobbed.<hr /></blockquote>He certainly beat them to that.

<blockquote><font class="small">Quote TomBrooklyn:</font><hr> /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif I predict that the plaintiff will lose this case by dismissal. The court will note that Mr. Bosell owned a construction company, a profession that often utilizes duct tape and likely made him knowledgable about it's properties and cognizant of the detrimental effects of wrapping sensitive parts of the body it; and further, the fact that he was aware of looking like a fool indicates that he knew what he was doing was foolish. /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif <hr /></blockquote>I agree, I don't think it will stand up in court. . . . /ccboard/images/graemlins/blush.gif



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TomBrooklyn
04-11-2003, 02:07 PM
Mon, April 7, 2003

HOMELESS MAN DOESN'T OWE $6 MILLION AFTER ALL

SALEM, Ore. (AP) - A homeless man billed for $6 million in taxes by the Internal Revenue Service has been notified it was a mistake.

John Ramer, known as the "six million dollar man" by his buddies at the Union Gospel Mission in Salem, was told Friday that his $5,981,104.02 tax bill was an error and he owed nothing.

The IRS refused to comment on the case, but an agency spokeswoman previously confirmed that they were looking into Ramer's complaints.

Ramer, 30, said the agency's Taxpayer Advocate Service traced the source of the mistake to an employer's computer glitch in 1994.

The problem started with some malfunctioning magnetic tape. Instead of reporting earnings of $35 to the IRS for a few hours work at a bowling alley, the mistake ballooned Ramer's pay to more than $2 million. Penalties and interest boosted the tax amount into the $6 million range.

"It was just the luck of the draw that it happened to me," Ramer said.

His former boss said he didn't remember Ramer's brief stint behind the snack counter, but he did recall there were some problems with the company's W-2 forms about 10 years ago.

Despite wide publicity about the case, Ramer says his financial situation has not improved. He said a television reporter bought him lunch, and someone gave him a T-shirt that says, "I'm not really a bum, but I play one on TV."

Sid_Vicious
04-11-2003, 02:16 PM
I heard that a few days ago, and the plane jane response from the IRS after admitting their mistake, "Oh we made a mistake, Mr. so-andso doesn't owe us anything." Had a mistake actually been on the side of any taxpayer, you can bet he/she would have hell to pay, certainly no way they'd be able to simply explain that it was an oversight. Seems to me that there's something wrong with that picture...sid

TomBrooklyn
04-18-2003, 12:28 PM
Maybe I have underestimated the lack of awareness of the dangers of tape. (http://www.insanepictures.com/pic.shtml?1012.jpg)

TomBrooklyn
04-19-2003, 02:25 PM
Bangkok Post
19April2003

London _ A British designer has made what he says is the world's first inflatable church _ a grey plastic building with a blow-up organ, pulpit, altar, Gothic arches and fake stained glass windows.

Michael Gill says the church, which stands 14 metres high to the tip of its steeple, could revolutionise the Anglican Church, suffering from dwindling attendances for years.

Vicars could carry it around with them on the back of a truck and set it up on patches of grass or in village squares for impromptu services, he said.

``This could change the whole perception of what the Church of England stands for,'' Mr Gill said. ``It's revolutionary. It's moving with the 21st century. If people won't go to church then the church needs to go to the people. This is one way of doing it.''

The church is hand-painted and has windows made from coloured PVC. Mr Gill says he plans to unveil the church at an exhibition near London next month.

He has written to the Pope to see if the Vatican is interested in buying one. ``I have targeted him personally,'' he said. If the church is a success, Mr Gill plans to diversify into inflatable pubs and nightclubs. _ Reuters

wolfdancer
04-19-2003, 02:32 PM
Tom, they could fill the church with inflatable dolls...I'd donate a couple of my old ones.
And on your tax item....Ca state put a lien on me for $334k. This one was my fault...didn't know how to fill out a schedule D for my "day-trading"...when we settled, they owed me $17

wolfdancer
04-19-2003, 02:38 PM
Is there any truth at all to this story...'cause no one could have that much inside info...unless..it might be Patrick

TomBrooklyn
04-23-2003, 03:54 PM
The Spam That Isn't via E-Mail

By THE NEW YORK TIMES
HONOLULU, April 6

Jack LaForge, a 17-year-old Honolulu resident of unimpressive size, ate an entire can of Spam - cold - in roughly two minutes on Saturday, beating 11 other Spam eaters during a celebration to honor the meat sometimes called "Hawaiian steak."

"I just stuck a whole piece in and swallowed it" Mr. LaForge said, adding that he really felt he needed a smoke.

The Spam eating contest was one event in the Waikiki Spam Jam, a three-day festival designed to honor the state's favorite comfort food. Hawaii consumes 6.7 million cans of Spam each year - more than any other state - and this fixation drew thousands of people this weekend.

Music blared from two stages as people downed creative Spam dishes and posed for pictures with a giant can of Spam in blue hightops. The festival started with the creation of the "world's longest" Spam musubi, usually a four-inch block of rice topped with Spam and wrapped with seaweed, a standard local snack.

"We tried to get Guinness to certify it as the longest Spam musubi, but they said they never heard of musubi," said Matt Bowden, engineer of the 132-foot-by-8-inch tribute to luncheon meat. "Poor things."

Spam showed more elegantly at Friday's event, a cook-off featuring leading hotel chefs who offered dishes like mushroom and Spam ravioli and gratin of Spam with roasted eggplant.

"I really liked the brochettes," said Doug Inouye, a lawyer for a local nonprofit group who settled on the Asian-style Spam skewers served with salmon and coleslaw. "Not too salty, and the miso-marinated salmon complemented it well. The Asian slaw brought out the taste of the Spam."

Despite its elevation to the status of "haute cuisine," Spam is still daily fare in Hawaii, a must-have on any self-respecting breakfast menu, including at McDonald's, and a staple of community cookbooks.

Hotels offered free room upgrades to anyone who presented a can at check-in. Many local residents who said they rarely come to Waikiki - often considered too touristy - dropped in to pay homage.

"I love Spam," said Darrel Lau, who lives about 20 minutes away. "I've been eating it all my life." Some of the tourists were baffled, though.

Wally_in_Cincy
04-24-2003, 06:24 AM
I had heard about the Hawaiian love for spam before. Apparently they developed quite a taste for it due to the pervasive US military prescence there over the last 80 years.

TomBrooklyn
05-26-2003, 10:27 PM
USA Today

Klingon interpreter sought for patients
PORTLAND, Ore. - Position Available: Interpreter, must be fluent in Klingon.
The language created for the ''Star Trek'' TV series and movies is one of
about 55 needed by the office that treats mental health patients in
metropolitan Multnomah County. Although created for works of fiction,
Klingon was designed to have a consistent grammar, syntax and vocabulary.
And now Multnomah County research has found that many people - and not just
fans - consider it a complete language. 'County officials said that
obligates them to respond with a Klingon-English interpreter, putting the
language of starship Enterprise officer Worf and other Klingon characters on
a par with common languages such as Russian and Vietnamese, and less common
tongues including Dari and Tongan.


Cat inherits British widow's estate
LONDON - Tinker really is the cat that got the cream. Thanks to his late
owner, a wealthy widow, the former stray now lives in some splendor in his
own house, valued at $560,000, and dines on fish bought from his $160,000
trust fund. The will of Margaret Layne, 89, published in The Times newspaper
on Tuesday, named Tinker as the beneficiary of a large chunk of her estate,
including her house in Harrow, northwest London. When he dies, the estate
will pass to the trustees, Layne's former neighbors, Ann and Eugene
Wheatley, who deliver Tinker's food and milk each day.


Woman returns 94-year-old overdue book
VERNON, Conn. - The book Kelly Woodward recently returned to the Vernon
Public Library was overdue - by about 94 years. It was due back on May 3,
1909. At the 1909 rate of 2 cents per day, the late fine would have amounted
to $685. But the library directors decided to waive the penalty. Woodward
said she found the 1904 edition of ''100 Choice Selections No. 4'' edited by
Phineas Garrett in her parents' attic. The book is a collection of plays,
prose, and poetry. She brought it back to the library in March.


Hamburg to PETA: We like our name
HAMBURG, N.Y. - Officials of this town, named after the hamburger, have told
animal-rights activists from PETA that they won't change the name to
Veggieburg, even for $15,000. "We're proud of our name and proud of our
heritage," Hamburg Supervisor Patrick Hoak said. PETA had offered to supply
schools with $15,000 of non-meat patties in exchange for the name change.The
Buffalo suburb has been called Hamburg since 1812.

TomBrooklyn
05-26-2003, 10:29 PM
USA Today
STOCKHOLM, Sweden - It's a bird. It's a plane, but it's not Superman. At
least not in Sweden, where a couple who wanted to name their child after the
comic book hero found the law harder to bend than the man of steel himself.
The tax authority, which oversees rules for names in the Scandinavian
country of 8.9 million, nixed a request by Sara Lindenger and her live-in
boyfriend, Johan Leisten, both 28, to name their child Staalman, Superman in
Swedish. The authority said it wasn't suitable because it might ''lead to
discomfort for the person who uses it.''

[Did Patrick have a kid? ed.]

TomBrooklyn
08-18-2003, 06:46 PM
LOS ANGELES, Aug 5 (AFP) - A US porn star was Tuesday campaigning to join in an increasingly whacky race for the governorship of California, pledging to make lap dances tax deductible and to swap guns for smut if elected.

Mary Carey joins other potential candidates such as "Terminator" movie star and Republican activist Arnold Schwarzenegger and Democratic Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt, who also covet the embattled governor's job.

"My goal is to bring happiness to the streets of California," would be politician and adult movie star Carey told reporters as she tried to gather the 65 signatures needed to put her name on the October 7 ballot.

The 22-year-old blonde said her electoral platform would include taxing breast implants to generate revenue and hiring porn stars to help negotiate better wholesale electricity prices in the energy-strapped state.

She also wants to creat a "Porno for Pistols" programme under which gun owners would be urged to swap their weapons for X-rated movies in a bid to reduce violence in the free-wheeling golden state.

"If more guys had orgasms, they'd be less violent," she said, adding that she would present herself as an independent candidate if she achieved the requirements to run by Saturday's deadline for candidacies. She was clad in a star-spangled bikini top, designer shorts and was tottering on platform shoes as she strutted her stuff in Los Angeles, stopping passers-by to sign her petition.

The 1.76 meter (5 foot 9) X-rated candidate was flanked by her manager and two supporters, one carrying a sign that read "Californians Prefer Blondes,"echoing the title of a 1954 Marilyn Monroe movie. She also came up with a novel solution to a key global problem, global warming: "Wear less clothes."

Actor and former body builder Schwarzenegger was meanwhile due to formally announce Wednesday whether or not he will fight Democratic Governor Gray Davis for his job when special elections to oust him are held in October. Aides however said he was now inclined not to run for family reasons.

Flynt said Monday he would file his candidacy by Saturday providing polls could prove that Californians would accept a "smut peddler" as their leader and make him a serious candidate.

More than 250 people have taken out application forms to run for the governorship of the most populous, but most broke, US state. Anyone can run provided they gather 65 signatures from supporters and stump up the 3,500 dollar fee required to stand.