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04-17-2003, 10:32 PM
Sorry to all present Christians. Heaven is all booked up for the time being. It may be wise to find a better religion.

Jesus Christ

Vagabond
04-18-2003, 06:38 PM
Howdy Jesus,
I was so bad ,even the hell could not handle me and got kicked out.Seeya Jesus!
Vagabond

bluewolf
04-19-2003, 09:41 AM
Well if heaven is full and you still inhabit the planet earth, guess that leaves you out ROFL

The Jehovah witnesses believe in a finite area in heaven allowing a finite number of souls,144,000 souls to be exact. And to get into the Morman heaven you have to jump through all kind of hoops, like getting married in the Morman temple.

Now what religion are you referring to? This is what my Bible tells me!!!!!

John 14:1-2 "Do not let your hearts be troubled, Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father's house there are many mansions (rooms);if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you"

When you wrote me a pm telling me I was doomed, I wrote you and told you not to get me started on scripture, because you were way out of your league.

Now which God do you think you are sonnybuck?

If you think that you are the return of Jesus, you are an antichrist. The Bible talks all about them too.

Put you scripture where your mouth is, or SHADDUP!!!!

Laura

Wally_in_Cincy
04-19-2003, 10:20 AM
My girlfriend was raised Roman Catholic. She and I now attend a Protestant Christ-centered church. Well the other day the Pope said Catholics were not allowed to take communion anywhere but a Roman Catholic church. Does this mean she is going to hell?

Wally~~respects the Pope but sometimes scratches his head in amazement

Tom_In_Cincy
04-19-2003, 10:28 AM
Wally,.

I gave it all up for "Lent"

bluewolf
04-19-2003, 10:30 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Wally_in_Cincy:</font><hr> My girlfriend was raised Roman Catholic. She and I now attend a Protestant Christ-centered church. Well the other day the Pope said Catholics were not allowed to take communion anywhere but a Roman Catholic church. Does this mean she is going to hell?

Wally~~respects the Pope but sometimes scratches his head in amazement <hr /></blockquote>

Not according to my understanding. I have been involved with the Catholic and protestant churches. This does not ring true. Plus there are several protestant denominations who have beliefs which are similar to Catholic beliefs.

If you want to know specifics about the Catholic church or certant protestant ones, pm me.

Laura

wolfdancer
04-19-2003, 10:57 AM
Wally, as a former alter boy, I speak with great authority on this issue. Only a BCA certified priest can offer communion, otherwise it's a foul, and we Catholics have a 3-foul rule, ....hope this helps

Wally_in_Cincy
04-19-2003, 11:12 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote wolfdancer:</font><hr> Wally, as a former alter boy, I speak with great authority on this issue. Only a BCA certified priest can offer communion, otherwise it's a foul, and we Catholics have a 3-foul rule, ....hope this helps <hr /></blockquote>

Uh-oh /ccboard/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

Can she receive absolution by working bingo for a year?

TomBrooklyn
04-19-2003, 12:25 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote bluewolf:</font><hr>The Jehovah witnesses believe in a finite area in heaven allowing a finite number of souls,144,000 souls to be exact. <hr /></blockquote>How many Jehovah Witnesses are there? They go around door to door and hang out on street corners recruiting new members, so one would might assume they have some room left.

Brooklyn is the home of the world headquarters of the Jehovah Witnesses. They own a lot of warehouses in the neighborhood area called DUMBO (Down Under the Manhatten Bridge Overpass), and office buildings in Brooklyn Heights.

wolfdancer
04-19-2003, 12:30 PM
Absolutely!!!!!

Wally_in_Cincy
04-19-2003, 12:52 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote wolfdancer:</font><hr> Absolutely!!!!! <hr /></blockquote>

Well thank....uh....God

Wally~~seeking to be absolutely absolved myself.

04-19-2003, 01:31 PM
Might be a tight fit, but maybe you could squeeze in between the Williams sisters.

bluewolf
04-20-2003, 07:17 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote TomBrooklyn:</font><hr> <blockquote><font class="small">Quote bluewolf:</font><hr>The Jehovah witnesses believe in a finite area in heaven allowing a finite number of souls,144,000 souls to be exact. <hr /></blockquote>How many Jehovah Witnesses are there? <hr /></blockquote>

Lots.

Laura

Voodoo Daddy
04-20-2003, 07:47 AM
I cant wait to go to HELL...cause I'm gonna see the moron that potray's himself as Jesus on the CCB and beat him until the place FREEZE'S OVER!!! What a Jack-Off!!!

CarolNYC
04-22-2003, 03:58 AM
Steve,
Im ROFLMAO-
HEY-ZEUS(jesus)-you pissed off the WRONG GUY!ha ha ha ha
Carol-still laughing!

Blackwolf
07-06-2003, 11:04 AM
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &amp; FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our
pulpit.

14. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

19. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

20. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park = across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

21.Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.
is done.

22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.

24.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

26. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

eg8r
07-06-2003, 02:01 PM
Is there a reason you resurrected this thread just to post some jokes? I guess it is the same troll that has been coming around for awhile.

eg8r

Blackwolf
07-06-2003, 05:19 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote eg8r:</font><hr> Is there a reason you resurrected this thread just to post some jokes? <hr /></blockquote>Hello:

Yes, because this is humerous thread with a religious theme, I thought the Church Bulletin Bloopers would fit in well with it, and I didn't think the joke was significant enough to start a thread of it's own.

Why do you ask?

BW