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nAz
06-13-2003, 11:24 AM
/ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif


A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"

God replied, " Sorry, I didn't recognize you.

nAz
06-13-2003, 11:40 AM
A woman, pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen. Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.
She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the other. "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," say s the Mom, "I know what happened...you were urinating and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

nAz
06-13-2003, 11:41 AM
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?









A: Full.

nAz
06-19-2003, 12:30 AM
A blind man travelled by airplane to Texas. On board the plane, he felt the plush seats and remarked how big they were. The passenger next to him said: "Everything is big in Texas."
When he landed in Texas, he went straight to a hotel bar in Dallas and ordered a beer. The bartender served it in a mug. The blind man felt the mug and commented on its size. The bartender said: "Everything is big in Texas."
After three beers, the blind man needed the toilet, so he asked the bartender for directions. But he accidentally went to the swimming pool instead and fell in. As he flopped around terrified in the water, he screamed: "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

nAz
06-20-2003, 01:23 AM
I man walks into a bar and orders club soda. "Club Soda?" asks the bartender. The man proclaims "After last night, I'm never drinking again". The bartender cries out "you're one of my best customers! How can you swear off alcohol?" Last night I had to much to drink, and went home and blew chunks" says the man. The bartender explains "Everybody overdoes it a little now and then. The hangover wears off and you'll feel fine before you know it". The man say "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog"!

snipershot
06-20-2003, 07:31 PM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote nAz:</font><hr> I man walks into a bar and orders club soda. "Club Soda?" asks the bartender. The man proclaims "After last night, I'm never drinking again". The bartender cries out "you're one of my best customers! How can you swear off alcohol?" Last night I had to much to drink, and went home and blew chunks" says the man. The bartender explains "Everybody overdoes it a little now and then. The hangover wears off and you'll feel fine before you know it". The man say "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog"! <hr /></blockquote>

/ccboard/images/graemlins/shocked.gif OMG....good one /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

eg8r
06-20-2003, 08:10 PM
Definitely time to quit drinking. /ccboard/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

eg8r

nAz
06-21-2003, 11:35 AM
A man walked into a bar and asked the barman for 20 shots of whiskey!

" What's wrong? " the barman asked.

" I just found out my son was gay!! " the man said.

The next night he came in and asked for 50 shoots of whiskey.

" What's wrong? " the barman asked.

" I just found out my other son was gay!! " the man said.

The next night the man came in again and asked for 70 shoots of whiskey!

The barman said, " Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

And the man says, " Yes....MY WIFE!!!!!

nAz
06-23-2003, 12:09 PM
Blonde Mixup

How do you know when a blondes been having a bad day?

Shes got a tampon behind her ear, and she's lookin 4 her pencil.

ouch!

highsea
06-24-2003, 12:38 AM
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice answered, "NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

Wally_in_Cincy
06-24-2003, 06:46 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote nAz:</font><hr>
...Last night I had to much to drink, and went home and blew chunks" <hr /></blockquote>

I took my truck to the mechanic. He says "I think you blew a seal" I said "Leave my personal life out of this and just fix the frigging truck"

(insert rimshot)

Guy walks into hardware store and says "I need a file" Hardware guy says "How about this flat bastard?" Customer says "No, I think I want that round m**f** over there"

nAz
06-24-2003, 12:51 PM
@ HC haha that was good


@ walley rotf

we need more jokes in this thread

highsea
06-24-2003, 03:40 PM
A man is out in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!
After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it! The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars?" The other man yells back,

"They're not whores ... they're my sisters!"

SPetty
06-25-2003, 11:41 AM
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said, "Implants?"


I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast


I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner /ccboard/images/graemlins/blush.gif


Food has replaced sex in my life ... now I can't even get into my own pants!


Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative


Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."


I have my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here


I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected


If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ...THAT'S A MESSAGE!


I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life


Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley


Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive


If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?


How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?


Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

nAz
06-27-2003, 12:44 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote SPetty:</font><hr>

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative


I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

<hr /></blockquote>


hehehe good one /ccboard/images/graemlins/smile.gif

nAz
06-27-2003, 12:45 AM
A man came home from work....

sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, Quick, another beer before it starts." That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat a$$ down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. " Oh sh!t, it's started."

Qtec
06-27-2003, 06:05 AM
I was playing the piano in a bar when an elephant walks in . He comes up to me and starts crying !

I say "whats the matter , do you recognize the song ?"

The elephant replies , "no but I.....



















...recognize the ivory ".

Q

nAz
06-27-2003, 03:26 PM
lol qtec.


heres another one...

Old Sean lived alone in Northern Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Mick,
I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I Know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Father,
For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them missing BODIES!
Love, Mick

At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Father,
Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Mick

Tom_In_Cincy
06-27-2003, 04:47 PM
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing
with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Qtec
06-27-2003, 08:08 PM
LOL /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Q

Qtec
06-27-2003, 08:15 PM
Caught the last 20mins of Bananas. I love Woody Allen . He cracks me up. I think you either love him or hate him.
Q

highsea
06-28-2003, 03:19 AM
I guess the last 20 minutes might have been funny...

-CM &lt;~~~hates him...

highsea
06-28-2003, 03:22 AM
Now, Homer Simpson, that's funny.

"I'd kill everyone in this room for one sip of sweet beer"

hehehe

Qtec
06-28-2003, 04:47 AM
Thats what I am saying . Its a love or hate thing . Personally I think Woody ,s humour goes above most people,s heads . /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif
Betcha eg8r hates him as well. /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif
[ with any luck he might not see this .]

Q

WaltVA
06-29-2003, 11:06 AM
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude
and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet
above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm
still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME
to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in
before we met, but somehow now, it's MY fault.

Walt in VA

nAz
08-11-2003, 01:05 PM
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.

I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a
period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one.