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View Full Version : 2nd Annual Barbara vs Her Brothers...



Barbara
07-29-2003, 08:33 PM
So tonight was the first time in 15 years my whole family has been in one place at one time!! The last time was at my folk's surprise 40th Wedding Anniversary attended by 100 of their closest friends. This year they celebrated their 55th. Hey, I'm impressed. Not a phone call goes by that Mom doesn't have something to say about Dad. Oh yeah.

So this Saturday is the rematch of me against my unbelievably competitive older brother, Paul, and my baby bro, Zurn (no explaintion on that nickname. All the neices and nephews are calling me for "partner" next Saturday at the Brother Aces' "I only cook large dead things" BBQ party at my folk's house with the pool room. It's always a blast. (did I forget to mention I have 5 brothers and two sisters? Catholics.)

Okay, so I need woofing material and just naturally nasty (but not profanity-like) stuff to say. Set up lines for delivery would be appreciated. My nieces and nephews have it down pat with the "Just hurry up and miss so Aunty Barbara can shoot.", but I need more.

One line I like is "The only way you're going to run that table is to take your shoes off and get on top of it." We usually play cut-throat between the 3 of us and last year I actually ran a table which p-o'd Paul out the wazoo.

C'mon. Kato?? Rackmup?? What do youse guys throw at each other at your little get-togethers??

Anyone else? PLEEEEEEEASE???? I need to start writing stuff down and memorizing it and getting over laughing at it before I can really deliver it.

TIA,

Barbara~~~putting on my top hat, picking up my custom, going to my folks... /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

CarolNYC
07-30-2003, 03:30 AM
Hey Barb,
If he takes a long time to decide what to shoot, start humming the "Jeopardy" tune!
If he shoots a shot with no position, say "Just poking and hoping!"
When he misses a shot and you run the table, tell him "You miss,you lose!"(smiling, of course!)
Carol~not too good at "woofing!":):):)

Rich R.
07-30-2003, 03:55 AM
When one of your brothers misses, tell him, "Ray Charles could have made that shot."

When your beating one of them baddly, you can always use the old "It's like a nightmare", Keith McCready line from the Color of Money, or something to that effect.

You can really make some stinging remarks about them letting a "girl" beat them. That ought to get under their skin just a little. /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

I'm not very good at this stuff, so I'll have to get back to you if I think of more.

Ward
07-30-2003, 06:29 AM
Barbara

When you are spanking him, tell him not to quit his day job...

Later

Kato
07-30-2003, 07:13 AM
Rackmup/Kato woofing though a light hearted banter is specifically geared toward the individual game. Such as this. Ken is completely in love with his jump cue. He could have a wide open table and he'll be getting ready to shoot and I'll say something like this, "boy Ken, that shot looks a little tough for you, why don't you jump that?" That's puts a great deal of confusion into Rackmup's brain and causes him to self destruct. Then, when I'm breaking Rackmup will say something like this. "You break like a girl.........a 6 year old girl"

Kato

Eric.
07-30-2003, 07:27 AM
Hmmm, talking smack. Let's see, how about:


Do you know which end of the cue to use?

Who are you this year, Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles?

Before we start, what kind of spot do you need?

Hey, this ain't Algebra, just shoot already.

Need help with this shot?(call a young child over to help)

Hey, God hates a coward, go for it.(great for sell-out shots)

Did you actually shoot that with your eyes open?


Eric >just getting warmed up

Rich R.
07-30-2003, 07:39 AM
If, or when, you have a bad hit and/or scratch, and your brother gets BIH, pretend to be looking the other way when he places the ball. Then, before he shoots, say, "You know, you have ball in hand, don't you?"
When he says, "Yes I know" or something like that, you just say, "Oh, OK", in a very quiet and reserved kind of way, implying that he is not taking the right shot.
It will drive him crazy, trying to think of where you would have placed the ball.

Barbara
07-30-2003, 08:49 AM
Awwwww Eric...

Now this is great sutff!

I knew I could count on you!!

Barbara

Barbara
07-30-2003, 08:50 AM
Okay Kato, I can use the "breaking like a 6 year old girl line"!

Barbara

Barbara
07-30-2003, 08:55 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote CarolNYC:</font><hr> Hey Barb,
If he takes a long time to decide what to shoot, start humming the "Jeopardy" tune!
If he shoots a shot with no position, say "Just poking and hoping!"
When he misses a shot and you run the table, tell him "You miss,you lose!"(smiling, of course!)
Carol~not too good at "woofing!":):):)<hr /></blockquote>

Well, I'm not too good at woofing either, which is why I'm asking for help. And it's kind of dangerous to taunt any one of my brothers with their rapier wits. Sometimes you end up being on the receiving end of a barrage of insults. But the thing is, you're laughing at the smack you're receiving. /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Barbara

Barbara
07-30-2003, 08:56 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Rich R.:</font><hr> If, or when, you have a bad hit and/or scratch, and your brother gets BIH, pretend to be looking the other way when he places the ball. Then, before he shoots, say, "You know, you have ball in hand, don't you?"
When he says, "Yes I know" or something like that, you just say, "Oh, OK", in a very quiet and reserved kind of way, implying that he is not taking the right shot.
It will drive him crazy, trying to think of where you would have placed the ball.
<hr /></blockquote>

Ah yes, the old "head games" line....

Thanks!

Barbara /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Barbara
07-30-2003, 09:01 AM
Ward,

He doesn't have a day job, he has a fun job! Get a load of this: Paul gets hooked on watching the World Series Of Poker. Next thing, he goes out to buy two poker tables for his place of work (he's the CFO of a company that progams games for cell phones - get the picture?). He has custom poker chips made up. He and his colleagues play Thursday night until Friday mornings sometimes.

And if the company does real good this year, he's withdrawing 10 large and going to Vegas himself.

He's 53 going on 15 forever.

Barbara~~~has a "real" job.... /ccboard/images/graemlins/crazy.gif

Ward
07-30-2003, 09:11 AM
Barbara

If I were you I would stay away from poker and stick with pool

Later

Wally_in_Cincy
07-30-2003, 11:05 AM
Nothing much to add. Just that when they miscue, and they will miscue, don't forget to hand them the chalk with an innocent, helpful look on your face.

If you happen to get them on the golf course tell them "I've seen better swings on a condemned playground". I was trying to think of something witty using "stroke" instead of "swing" but I'm drawing a blank

hth

Rod
07-30-2003, 05:08 PM
Barbara,

Here's one for ya. I pulled this on a friend maybe 5 years ago. My friend is practicing when I casually walk up and ask, Say John, have you ever been in the ring, you know boxing? He gives me a puzzled look and says, no, what makes you ask that? I said, Because that's one hell of a right hand jab you have there!!! LOL

It worked perfect because of his question back at me. If not and he knows the difference between a stroke and a jab it still is funny. I LMAO after that one, you had to be there. He does have a punchy stroke and knows it.

Rod

Barbara
07-30-2003, 06:53 PM
Trust me Rod, none of the two brothers is terribly concerned about form. They're strictly casual players who think they're better than they are. Well, at least Paul does. He's still p-o'd that I can swim faster than he can and made to the finals of the Olympic Trials in rowing.

Aunty Barbara's the favorite. So says all my nieces and nephews. After all, I can't leave it all to the cats. /ccboard/images/graemlins/wink.gif!

Barbara~~~just needs to do a little smack talking.... /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Barbara
07-30-2003, 07:00 PM
Actualy Wally, I'll use that "swing" line for when they're practicing at the driving net my Dad has set up at his house. Paul is a pretty good golfer. So is one of my other brothers whose handicap could be 5 or less if he could get out more.

Paul recently had a hole-in-one and his wife, who was so excited about it, emailed the whole family and mentioned it. Zurn then replied back "to all with history" and asked whether it was at the hole with the windmill or spaceship rocket. LOL!

We're talking this kind of family!

Barbara~~~needs some more plain ole' trash/smack talking lines...

dg-in-centralpa
07-30-2003, 07:17 PM
Barbara - here's the best cut you can use. When they "poke" or jab a shot, tell them that you hope they poke their wife the same way they "poked that shot." Works every time.

DG

rackmup
07-30-2003, 07:25 PM
Glad to help:

Racking

As they work to get the rack "tight":

"Looks like you could use some practice racking. Don't worry...you've come to the right place."

Breaking

"Try to hit the head ball. Ah hell...I'll be shocked if you hit any ball."

After they miscue on the break:

"Okay...do it over again and see if you can get the cueball to the end rail. At least do that and I'll let you spread 'em around with your hands and keep shooting."

On a poor break (balls don't spread):

"Man, I've heard louder impacts when a tissue falls on the floor."

"I've had sandwiches with more spread."

"It's okay. You can't hurt them. Hit 'em hard this time."

While lining up a shot:

"It's not that hard." (apologies to Earthquake.)

"Any good player could make that shot. Do you know one?"

"I smell smoke."

"Do you inhale or exhale on your forward stroke?"

While watching them struggle with making a ball:

"Man...I haven't seen this many misses since a Sung Yung Moon wedding."

"Oh God...giving birth all over again would be less painful than watching you."

After beating them for a couple of hours or so:

"I'm warmed up. Are you ready to play now?"

At the end of the night:

"You've improved a little. I suggest practicing for two solid weeks, then take a week off. After that, sell your cues and quit the game completely."

Barbara, I have others but they are not fit to come from a woman's mouth.

Regards and have fun,

Ken

Barbara
07-30-2003, 07:33 PM
Oh yeah!!

These are keepers, too!

Barbara~~~LOL

Fran Crimi
07-30-2003, 09:28 PM
A few more to add to the mix:

-- So, I see you haven't been playing much, huh?

-- After he misses badly: Yup. I used to make that same mistake too....And then I turned 10.


Here's a good exchange, but you have to be deadpan all the way through:

You: Did you always used to do that thing with your neck that you do? I never remember seeing you do that.

Bro: HUH? What thing?

You: Does your neck hurt when you shoot?

Bro: No, why?

You: Forget it. It's not a big deal. As long as it doesn't hurt. Don't worry about it. Just go ahead and shoot. I shouldn't have brought it up.

Bro: Well tell me! What is it?

You: Well, your neck is all scrunched up when you shoot. You don't strech it out at all. I just figured it must hurt being all scrunched up like that. Forget about it.

Then sit back and watch him stretch his neck. LOL!


Bad. Very bad.

Fran

Barbara
07-31-2003, 05:21 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Fran Crimi:</font><hr>

Bad. Very bad.

Fran
<hr /></blockquote>

LOL!! Oh, they'd both fall for the neck thing!!

Thanks!

Barbara

Kato
07-31-2003, 07:11 AM
Oh Fran that is so very good /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Kato~~~likes it

9 Ball Girl
07-31-2003, 07:35 AM
Bahahahahaha! I'm gonna use that one on my BF!