View Full Version : Got Milk? Better Read This First.

08-26-2003, 11:27 AM
It's quite a long read, but the first few topics will give you the idea. I'm sure a lot of you already know about the bovine hormone chemicals used in cows... here's more info on that.

I drink about 16 - 32 oz a day, that can't be good. /ccboard/images/graemlins/frown.gif


11-06-2003, 08:38 PM
You have two cows

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government programs to help your neighbor get a cow. You hold a concert to raise awareness for the cow-lessness. Barbara Streisand sings for the cow-less, who couldn't attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't done anything to help them at all.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have four cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have eight cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for
the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault

11-07-2003, 01:00 AM
/ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif


03-04-2004, 04:03 PM
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one beautiful cow - with a pedigree.

ARMY -- UNITED STATES: You have two cows. You don't ask. They don't tell.

ARTIST -- VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.

BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in Europe.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don't have time to milk them.

CANADIANISM: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.

CAPITALISM -- HONG KONG You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight
cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

CARTESIAN DUALISM: You have two cows. Therefore you are.

CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the cows, and charge people to look at them.

COMMUNISM -- CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You have two cows. The Government takes them and sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE - MAO STYLE: You have cows. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need cows pigs to make beef. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create beef from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN - CASTRO STYLE: Fidel Castro has two cows. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since 1985.

COMMUNISM -- FORMER CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They sailed to Miami.

COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

CORPORATION -- MEXICAN: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

CORPORATION -- SWISS: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

Cueless Joey
03-04-2004, 04:36 PM
SOY is the answer.
Soy milk, cheese, ice cream, everything!!!!!!!!! /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

03-05-2004, 07:51 AM
Sorry. I'm not giving up cheese.