View Full Version : Canadians are Cool

Mr Ingrate
09-03-2003, 10:38 AM
Not sure if someone who lives in Pittsburgh is a good judge of cool, but found the article amusing.

Aug. 13, 2003. 01:00 AM

Hey, Canada's one cool country


You live next door to a clean-cut, quiet guy. He never plays loud music or throws raucous parties. He doesn't gossip over the fence, just smiles politely and offers you some tomatoes. His lawn is cared-for, his house is neat as a pin and you get the feeling he doesn't always lock his front door. He wears Dockers. You hardly know he's there.

And then one day you discover that he has pot in his basement, spends his weekends at peace marches and that guy you've seen mowing the yard is his spouse.

Allow me to introduce Canada.

The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten they're up there, but they've been busy doing some surprising things. It's like discovering that the mice you are dimly aware of in your attic have been building an espresso machine.

Did you realize, for example, that our reliable little tag-along brother never joined the Coalition of the Willing? Canada wasn't willing, as it turns out, to join the fun in Iraq. I can only assume American diner menus weren't angrily changed to include "freedom bacon," because nobody here eats the stuff anyway.

And then there's the wild drug situation: Canadian doctors are authorized to dispense medical marijuana. Parliament is considering legislation that would not exactly legalize marijuana possession, as you may have heard, but would reduce the penalty for possession of under 15 grams to a fine, like a speeding ticket. This is to allow law enforcement to concentrate resources on traffickers: If your garden is full of wasps, it's smarter to go for the nest rather than trying to swat every individual bug. Or, in the United States, bong.

Now, here's the part that I, as an American, can't understand. These poor benighted pinkos are doing everything wrong. They have a drug problem: Marijuana offences have doubled since 1991. And Canada has strict gun control laws, which mean that the criminals must all be heavily armed, the law-abiding civilians helpless and the government on the verge of a massive confiscation campaign. (The laws have been in place since the '70s, but I'm sure the government will get around to the confiscation eventually.) They don't even have a death penalty!

And yet, nationally, overall crime in Canada has been declining since 1991. Violent crimes fell 13 per cent in 2002. Of course, there are still crimes committed with guns brought in from the United States, which has become the major illegal weapons supplier for all of North America but my theory is that the surge in pot-smoking has rendered most criminals too relaxed to commit violent crimes. They're probably more focused on shoplifting boxes of Ho-Hos from convenience stores.

And then there's the most reckless move of all: Just last month, Canada decided to allow and recognize same-sex marriages. Merciful moose, what can they be thinking? Will there be married Mounties (they always get their man!)? Dudley Do-Right was sweet on Nell, not Mel! We must be the only ones who really care about families. Not enough to make sure they all have health insurance, of course, but more than those libertines up north.

This sort of behaviour is a clear and present danger to all our stereotypes about Canada. It's supposed to be a cold, wholesome country of polite, beer-drinking hockey players, not founded by freedom fighters in a bloody revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists and royalists more interested in order and good government than liberty and independence.

But if we are the rugged individualists, why do we spend so much of our time trying to get everyone to march in lockstep? And if Canadians are so reserved and moderate, why are they so progressive about letting people do what they want to?

Canadians are, as a nation, less religious than we are, according to polls. As a result, Canada's government isn't influenced by large, well-organized religious groups and thus has more in common with those of Scandinavia than those of the United States, or, say, Iran.

Canada signed the Kyoto global warming treaty, lets 19-year-olds drink, has more of its population living in urban areas and accepts more immigrants per capita than the United States.

These are all things we've been told will wreck our society. But I guess Canadians are different, because theirs seems oddly sound.

Like teenagers, we fiercely idolize individual freedom but really demand that everyone be the same. But the Canadians seem more adult more secure. They aren't afraid of foreigners. They aren't afraid of homosexuality. Most of all, they're not afraid of each other.

I wonder if America will ever be that cool.

09-03-2003, 10:54 AM
Dave, ever since you were deported to Canada, I've feared the worst for you...but never fully understood how bad the moral turpitude of the country was.
Get out before it's too late!!
Your citizenship here can be reinstated if you admit to your wrongdoings....the illegal campaign contributions to Grey Davis, whitewater rafting with Hillery, the "Hi! Bill" virus hidden in your tournament software, etc

09-03-2003, 10:55 AM
No.No. No. Smoking a bud turns you into a homicidal maniac. Or worse , a pinko. These mind altering drugs can bring down society. People might start....well...thinking. Worse,they might not us seriously. They might be able to see through our bullshit.

Hang em high . Thats what we have always done and will contiue to do so .

Noose County Sherrif , Ben Dover .

/ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

09-03-2003, 12:13 PM
Any time I ever smoked herb I completely ceased all thought.

Kato~~~not that bright anyway.

Mr Ingrate
09-03-2003, 12:59 PM
Hi Jack,

Don't think they'll let me be a permanent resident any time soon. I had to hand in my green card since I no longer reside in the US. I'd have to go through the whole procedure again and we've just gone through the Canadian hoops to get Joanne her permanent resident card in Canada.

Good thing I was already a registered degenerate, I fit right in here.

09-04-2003, 07:40 AM
Canadians aren't cool. Canadians are cold. I heard it snows there!!!!!!!!!!! /ccboard/images/graemlins/frown.gif

Kato~~~don't like the cold stuff.

09-04-2003, 08:11 AM

Canada has 9 months of winter and three months of bad skiing. /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Barbara~~~doesn't ski...

Mr Ingrate
09-04-2003, 09:34 AM
<blockquote><font class="small">Quote Barbara:</font><hr> Kato,

Canada has 9 months of winter and three months of bad skiing. /ccboard/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Barbara~~~doesn't ski... <hr /></blockquote>

Actually Barbara, the old saying is "Ten months of hockey and two months of bad ice."


Canada has two seasons, Winter and August!

The "Canadian Dream" is also temperature related. Unlike the "American Dream" the "Canadian Dream" is to be somewhere that is warm all the time.

That may be why the average IQ in Florida almost doubles in the winter as the "snowbacks" cross the 49th parallel.

09-04-2003, 11:47 AM
Canadians can't drive Dave, ask any New Yorker. There are more them in Florida than there are Floridians.