View Full Version : How to get a job..

10-07-2003, 09:22 AM
Some resumes that didn't quite make it
Cover letter: "I am very interested in the account stuff position."

Unfortunately, we just filled that position.

Objective: "So one of the main things for me is, as the movie 'Jerry McGuire' puts it, 'Show me the money!'"

You don't beat around the bush, do you?

Cover letter: "I am sure you have looked through several resumes and cover letters with the same information about work experience, education and references ... I am not going to give you any of that stuff."

Can't wait to see what we'll get instead.

Skills: "I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home."

Good to know.

Resume: "I'm willing to travel threw out the states if necessary."

We'll throw you a line if we have any openings.

Qualifications: "Provided quality service in each job, starting with my first paper route at age nine."

So that's why we found your resume on the porch ...

Objective: "Assertive, self-motivated and goal-oriented individual seeks a position that utilizes my computer training and experience and/or bartending skills."

That's quite a mix of talents.

Cover letter: "If at any point you do not buy this message, take my cover letter and resume, rip them up, throw them in the garbage bin and do not forget to spare me the 'We will keep your resume on file for three months.'"

No problem.

Qualifications: "I am able to show up at the office on time, not only during the first week but also after a year of employment."

And after two years?

Objective: "To hopefully associate with a millionaire one day."

We'll keep our fingers crossed for you.

Qualifications: "I am properly licensed to operate my vehicle. I have only one offense on my driving record (speeding ticket)."

Sounds like you're ready for the fast track.

Cover letter: "I invite you to browse through my resume and offer me an opportunity within your team."

Thanks for the invitation.

Accomplishments: "The Marines is and probably will be the biggest accomplishment I've ever had, even though I wasn't able to join."

Glad to see you were able to work around it.

Skills: "I have technical skills that will take your breath away."

We're waiting ...

Qualifications: "I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you."

We'll tell them you said so.

Cover letter: "I can provide verification that I legally changed my name in July of 1998."

Now we're curious … what did you change it from?

Objective: "I need money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup."

That's a tall order.

Preferred name/nickname: "Phone Book"

We'll give you a call.

Objective: "To work on interesting projects."

We'll do what we can.

Duties: "Word processing, phones and running errors."

Looks like you missed one.

Job duties: "Created brilliant presentations."

And modest, too.

Application: How large was the department you worked in with your last company? "A: 3 stories."

OK ... Then, approximately how many people sat on each floor?

Cover letter: "My previous job provided me with a strong look into network administration, but no actual training."

You had a window office?

Strengths: "I am very used to working with thigh schedules."

That "tight" schedule didn't leave room to check for errors.

Cover letter: "Please, please, please hire me for this job. I will be waiting by the phone."

Don't wait too long.

Experience: "Computer games tester (still reigning Tetris champion)."

Is that a challenge?

Qualifications: "Twin sister has accounting degree."

Send her in!

Cover letter: "I speak several languages, and I am very handsome."

And modest, too.

Summary: "An accomplished professional with deliberate experience in project management."

At least you didn't just stumble into it.

Experience: "Have not yet been abducted by aliens."

How long have you been waiting?

Objective: "I am seeking a second job to supplement my income and support my shopping habit."

We may have a job for you in purchasing.

Cover letter: "What interested me about this job is that it's with a prestigious company (my friends would definitely approve)."

Glad to hear it.

Resume: "Important note: Resume adjectives and job descriptions have not been altered despite labor market conditions. I have not embellished my resume nor changed it except to incorporate additional details and in some instances to delete wordiness."

May we suggest some more editing?

Skills: "Read, write, speak, and think fluently in German, French and Spanish."

Centavo for your thoughts?

Skills: "Written communication = 3 years; verbal communication = 5 years."

Could you elaborate?

Cover letter: "Even if I don't get the job, it's OK. It's worth putting in the time and effort writing this resume."

We're glad we could oblige.

Objective: "I would like to work for a company that is very lax when it comes to tardiness."

We'll get back to you.

Interests: "Cake decorating I, II and III."

Can you bring samples?

Interests: "Tournament Scrabble player, amateur stand-up comic and 'Jeopardy' hopeful."

I'll take humorous word games for $1,000.

Interests: "Avid mystery reader."

We'll try to keep you guessing.

Personal: "Excellent health, except for ingrown toenail."


Personal: "Weight: 165 pounds - without money in my pockets."

And you'd like us to add some pounds?

Personal: "Classical Capricorn."


Experience: "My friends call me R-E-G-G-I-E, and that sums up my work experience."

We're still scratching our heads.

Goal: "To make money, and be the camel that squeezes through the eye of the needle."

Could be a very tight squeeze.

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of …

Cover letter: "After perusing my resume, I am looking forward to hearing from you soon."

If you don't mind, we'd appreciate the opportunity to peruse it ourselves before we get back to you.

Cover letter: "If I get my degree, I'll be suitable for anything."

That must be some education.

Resume: "It is my professional objective to obtain a position which allows me to make use of my commuter skills."

I think we can oblige.

Education: "I possess a moderate educatin but willing to learn more."

That "educatin" was evidently more moderate than you realized.

Education: "Bachelor of engineering. Passed out in top 2 percent."

Hope someone was there to catch you.

Education: "Have repeated courses repeatedly."

There's something to be said for perseverance.

Salary requirements: "The higher the better."

Sure. Why not?

Salary desired: "Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job."

Any interest in what we need?

Salary, benefits and other requirements: "$90,000 per year plus agreed-upon performance bonus. Four weeks vacation and 10 paid personal days. Company-paid life and health insurance. First-class airline and hotels when traveling on business. Realistic expense account. Office with windows, secretary."

Is that all?

Bad traits: "I am very bad about time and don't mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn't make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare."

We already do.

Position desired: "Sales rep. Satisfying customers and making sure customers are satisfied."

From the "department of redundancy department."

Weaknesses: "Suffer from prickly heat in summer."

Sounds uncomfortable.

Personal: "I believe in what studies have shown - that nap times each day increase employee productivity. I wish to work for a company that provides for this."

Hard or soft mattress?
Objective: "To obtain a position with the skills in hence the skills I already inquire."

Say again?

Education: "Suspected to graduate early next year."

Maybe you should let us know when you're sure …

References: "Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don't know their phone numbers."

We might need a bit more to go on.

Work experience: "Two years as a blackjack and baccarat dealer. Strong emphasis on customer relations - a constant challenge considering how much money people lose and how angry they can get."

Was hazard pay an option?

There's lots more at www.resumania.com/ (http://www.resumania.com/)

10-07-2003, 10:17 AM
Years ago when I had my own business, I had a guy walk in the front door,in torn jeans and a belly shirt, ask as soon as the door closed, "You're not looking for any help are you?" Needless to say I told him "No". Where do these people come from? /ccboard/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

DG - still misses that business