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Thread: HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT OR DOG

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Front Royal,VA
    Posts
    2,429

    HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT OR DOG

    HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT OR DOG

    CAT:

    1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
    a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
    mouth
    and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
    cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
    swallow.

    2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
    arm and repeat process.

    3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
    paws
    tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
    with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
    spouse from garden.

    6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
    rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
    firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
    down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

    7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
    a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
    figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
    visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
    mouth
    open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer
    to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
    from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
    beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
    showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
    with
    elastic band.

    11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
    Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
    compress
    to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply
    whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
    tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the
    road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to
    avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13) Tie the little b******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine
    and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
    gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
    steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 litres of
    water
    down throat to wash pill down.

    14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
    emergency
    room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
    pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
    new table.

    15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
    shop to see if they have any hamsters.



    DOG:

    1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter.

    Make him beg. [img]/ccboard/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]






    Nick


  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Posts
    5,128

    Re: HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT OR DOG

    HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA

    C.C.


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